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I cannot for the life of me stand to be within the area of where I used to live/go to college, in Quincy, Ma. Whenever I even conjure up a thought of this area, I am flooded with negative memories of social phobia, missed opportunities and the overall feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin.

I would say my decision to have gone live there was because of my own social phobias, for lack of a better term. I went to Eastern Nazarene college for three awful and uneventful semesters. Needless to say I was never very religious and probably never was that schools ideal canidate for their student body. I felt like I just need to "proceed as normal" after I graduated high school, and I needed to "look" as if I was doing something I wanted to do. Since my Dad had gone there and loved it and always made a big deal to mention it in converstations about applying to schools and such that I basically decided to go there on a whim. That was a bad choice. Since I hated the idea of being part of that crowd, I just retreated into myself and basically became a recluse to avoid conformity. In doing this, rather than set priorities right early on, I ended up developing alot of the habits of avoidance that I'm trying to shrug off.

I realize I probably sound like a brat for looking at my experience of first going to college as a tramatic expereince, but I think of it as a tipping point as far as developing social phobias, etc.

I eventually left the school in 2006, with little to show for it and a bruised ego that never fully recovered. Between then and now, I went through a community college before taking a really socially awkward college decision. In 2007, I began to commute from my parents house in NH to Umass Boston. The reason? I wanted to make it "seem" on the outside like I was doing something I wanted to do. But the distance and the unusual commute makes me feel like even more of an outsider. I am even less of a Bostonian than a Christian, so going to the all commuting school public college in the city makes me feel impossibly isolated. I know these are opportunities that I ought to feel appreciative for, but I know I put myself in a situation that makes it especially difficult to feel comfortable about my situation. I rarely even mention the fact that I go to UMass boston to people in NH out of fear of sounding awkward and having to explain myself. I NEVER tell anyone in Umass Boston that I live in NH. At this point I want to finish school since I'm almost done, but I cannot continue being kept in this isolating situation that makes me unhappy and unsatisfied with being myself.
 
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