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Can being too awesome give you SA?

3K views 54 replies 45 participants last post by  letitrock 
#1 ·
I don't remember where I read this, but some book suggested that social phobia is not purely a result of low self-esteem; in fact, the issue may be just the opposite. Social anxiety can result when individuals place too high a level of importance upon themselves. Basically, you get anxious because you can't stand the idea that people - all people - won't immediately recognize how great you are.

I feel myself thinking this way sometimes. I don't contribute to conversations, not because I can't think of anything to say, but because i can't think of anything good enough (i.e. clever enough, witty enough, wise enough) to say. Or if I do say something, I replay it over and over in my head afterwards and realize how inadequate it was, and how it didn't really reflect what I meant.

Does this make sense to anyone else?
 
#2 ·
Yes, I understand. I thought I was extremely important as a kid. I have to say the one perfect thing that exists for each situation but I can never find it.
 
#3 ·
This makes a lot of sense actually... I always thought that I don't have low self-esteem because I love myself and I'm just afraid others won't feel the same... And I agree on the not being able to find something good enough to say. Like I always have to be funny or smart or something. Hmmmm
 
#4 ·
It seems like your describing a spectrum of your self esteem. On the one end you feel this way because of complete self depreciation and on the other end you think no one realizes your potential and uniqueness so you stay quiet and unheard. But I think there really Isn't anything you could say that would be "good enough" because you may not get that agreeable and appreciative response you may have wanted, which would lead back to the self evaluation if what you said was "good enough". This may be just be my speculation because no one knows better than you how you internalize all of this.
 
#6 ·
My awesomeness cannot be comprehended by the minds of mere mortals. Only comic book superheroes, a select group of top theoretical physicists, and Jeff Rogers of Cedar Rapids, Iowa know the true extent of my awesome.

However, I feel my levels of awesome to be unrelated to my levels of crippling mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish.
 
#7 ·
Now that you mention it, it can be a little bit of both in my case. I don't say anything because I don't feel that it's good enough, and I don't try to contact people because I feel like they'll be annoyed by me. When people are being really friendly to me I think it's only because they're trying to be nice, not because they actually want to be my friend. But at the same time I get depressed because I feel that no one notices or cares about the good things about me and instead they see a timid, rather pathetic person.
 
#8 ·
April showers, I feel the same way. Even when it's clear that someone likes me and wants to be my friend, it still seems like they're just being nice and that I'll annoy them eventually. It's frustrating when people don't see everything that's good about me, but I don't really show them- Even when I get an opportunity to talk about something I know a lot about and am interested in I still can barely hold my end of a conversation because I don't want to stutter or phrase anything wrong or say something the other person might disagree with.
 
#29 ·
I don't believe the problem people with SA has is thinking they are "too awesome". I believe the problem can be better described as perfectionism.

The difference between the belief that you are "too awesome" and perfectionism is that when one thinks they are "too awesome", they believe they are already funny, smart, interesing, etc. and are frustrated that other people do not see that. In perfectionsim, however, people believe they have to be perfectly funny, smart, etc. for people to like them. They also feel like they do not already posess these qualities and are frustrated that they will never be good enough for people to accept them.

I believe the problem with most SA'ers is perfectionism. I stuggled with this problem so much a few years ago. Even now that I am overcoming my SA, I still struggle with this problem.

Even when it's clear that someone likes me and wants to be my friend, it still seems like they're just being nice and that I'll annoy them eventually.
This summerizes my thoughts exactly. It seems like once someone gets to know me, they will discover I am a really uninteresing person they don't want to spend time with and will eventually turn away. I'm still trying to overcome this belief.
 
#10 ·
i get like that sometimes.

Sometimes its right on the tip of my tongue, and i think "this is great, they'll laugh" and then the moment passes and it seems weird to bring it up.

people without SA seem to not have this "filter" on what they say... they dont seem to care.
 
#12 ·
I do kind of have low self esteem but at the same time I have some arrogance. The problem is that I started to doubt myself. I've been afraid the part of me that thinks I'm awesome might be wrong, or that over time I lost my awesomeness, and I feel like I need to prove my worth, but I'm too scared to try.
 
#14 ·
I think that being too awesome and social anxiety can also conflict if one suffers from perfectionism. there have been a few times where i met someone at a party and they stated something along the lines of "you're awesome" to me during the night. very flattering, but it pressures me into feeling like i have to be "awesome" with them all the time or else they won't like me as much. or worse, that i'm really not awesome and it was just that one night. gahh.
 
#17 ·
This is exactly how i feel in social situations with new people. I can think of plenty to say, but i just freeze up on actually saying it because i think its just too damn boring and they'll think "wow this guys lame". And i've actually had friends in my past state that i'm awesome. No friends anymore though.

:(
 
#20 ·
I struggle with that too. It sounds a little like narcissistic personality disorder to me. I'm hypersensitive to criticism, or anything less than total approval, and when I am criticized, I react by becoming extremely avoidant or defiant.
 
#23 ·
yeah my parents gave me too much praise when i was a kid, trying to give me good self-esteem, but went overboard. so when it clashed with reality around 12yo i was really confused - what the hell was going on?? why don't people like me as much as they're supposed to? i started withdrawing because it was like the rug had been pulled out from under me and i had no confidence in my perceptions of reality. my self-esteem was all chaotic after that, and then eventually just really negative.

i think that's why i like philip k. dick books so much, actually - they usually feature some reality that is unstable or illusionary in some way.

i actually felt a lot better when i found religion (a temporary thing, as it turned out), and was able to pray for humility - i was able to get along with people a lot better, even with things like eye contact. it was like that pride was all still there, just buried, and kept interfering with being able to interact with people normally. i think that still might be the case, but i don't even want to acknowledge it, or something.

um, which is why i loved the book a wizard of earthsea so much, because it's about this guy whose pride leads to unleashing this shadow into the world, which starts causing all this havoc in his life. in jungian psychology, the shadow is the parts of yourself that you don't want to acknowledge, or are unaware of. in the end he manages to set things right though, but i don't want to spoil how he does it.

or maybe i should though - don't read if you don't like spoilers - he winds up chasing the shadow down and acknowledging it as part of himself, and it merges back into him. it's like the parts of yourself that you don't acknowledge or own are then free to act independently of you, and cause problems. which is also why taking complete responsibility for the quality of your life can help a lot, because you have to take ownership of parts of yourself that you don't like and try to disown.
 
#24 ·
I don't remember where I read this, but some book suggested that social phobia is not purely a result of low self-esteem; in fact, the issue may be just the opposite. Social anxiety can result when individuals place too high a level of importance upon themselves. Basically, you get anxious because you can't stand the idea that people - all people - won't immediately recognize how great you are.

I feel myself thinking this way sometimes. I don't contribute to conversations, not because I can't think of anything to say, but because i can't think of anything good enough (i.e. clever enough, witty enough, wise enough) to say. Or if I do say something, I replay it over and over in my head afterwards and realize how inadequate it was, and how it didn't really reflect what I meant.

Does this make sense to anyone else?
Interesting-I never thought about it that way-It makes sense to me, and I relate to having to say the perfect thing and replaying something you said over and over in your head,

But I like the way you put it a lot better-Can being too awesome make you have SA?-

I've never thought of myself as awesome necessarily, I don't have high self-esteem, but you know how there's always that one person, in my case, since I'm a girl, I always notice that one girl, in college or whatver who's confident, bold and laughs a lot, and is opinionated, and has a big social circle and just doesn't give a **** about what people think-I feel like if it wasn't for my SA, I would be one of those people, but I avoid letting that part out of me because it would give me too much attention, and people would think I'm too weird, not cool, not normal, so to avoid that, I don't say anything.

i completely relate to what's been said - i treat life like a stage performance in which i'm both the actor and the critic - i work so hard to give the perfect performance every time, but no matter how i do, i'm always judged harshly by my critic - i set impossibly high standards for myself in everything i do, i expect to mess up, so i rehearse and review and berate myself. i must be some kind of super-human to set such high standards for myself, but not anyone else!!!
yes

And I agree on the not being able to find something good enough to say. Like I always have to be funny or smart or something. Hmmmm
yes

I also don't talk to people enough because I feel as though none of the things I will say will be as "cool" as I would like them to be and won't impress people so I just stay silent.
yes
 
#28 ·
I don't remember where I read this, but some book suggested that social phobia is not purely a result of low self-esteem; in fact, the issue may be just the opposite. Social anxiety can result when individuals place too high a level of importance upon themselves. Basically, you get anxious because you can't stand the idea that people - all people - won't immediately recognize how great you are.
Too high a level of importance on oneself can be interpreted just as easily in ways other than believing one is great. For example, being more thoughtful, sensitive or serious in nature gives rise to placing a very high level of importance on yourself, others and many other aspects of life. Having low self-esteem and low confidence can give rise to placing a high level of importance on how you come across to others, because it's tied in with being extra sensitive to rejection, never mind others accepting you as great.

The theory might apply to some, but it does not seem to agree with much evidence; without knowing more about the book, it's difficult to tell. Perhaps many with SA simply believe they have to be great to be accepted and acceptable, and the author misconstrued this.

That people with social anxiety think they are great doesn't seem to make sense in the context of most people's social anxiety I've read about and experienced. Most primarily seem to want to pass for "normal" and are desperate to not be caught appearing abnormal or below average, let alone not great.

It almost reads as though the author is accusing people of having social anxiety disorder because they have a superiority complex. I wonder whether they were an old-school psychoanalyst?

I feel myself thinking this way sometimes. I don't contribute to conversations, not because I can't think of anything to say, but because i can't think of anything good enough (i.e. clever enough, witty enough, wise enough) to say. Or if I do say something, I replay it over and over in my head afterwards and realize how inadequate it was, and how it didn't really reflect what I meant.
These thoughts and behaviours can be interpreted in many other ways than someone thinking they are great or having a superiority complex. For example, they could result from natural oversensitivity to criticism or rejection, black and white thinking, being different to those around you (e.g., introverted, not much in common with others, autistic, having auditory processing difficulties, having a speech disorder), valuing intelligence and accuracy, wanting to display intelligence due to needing to increase one's sense of self-worth and self-efficacy.

There is also a difference between having perfectionistic tendencies (and valuing awesomeness) and having unfounded, or otherwise, beliefs you are great or superior; perfectionism often means you see more flaws in yourself and your environment, and leads to underestimation rather than overestimation of ability.
 
#30 ·
Hmm, this is a great thread. I definitely have some perfectionist tendencies. I also am able to make friends pretty easily, yet I push them away when they get too close. This can lead to a very unstable life :D

On the other hand I'd have to point out that having few normal communication skills would probably leave someone unable to reach a state of true "awesomeness".
 
#31 ·
I definitely can relate to this. It's almost like I carry myself on a pedestal to a point where my anxiety comes from people not reacting to me the way I'd like, or expect them to. I sometimes feel like I'm so good that I must be doing something wrong at the moment that people don't notice my "greatness" and find myself picking apart every flaw and every thing I could have possibly done "wrong." I also don't talk to people enough because I feel as though none of the things I will say will be as "cool" as I would like them to be and won't impress people so I just stay silent. I have this problem with wanting to impress people at all costs to a point that I overanalyze every word and every action that could be perfected in order to make myself look "all that" to another person.
 
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