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OneDayAtATime
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my story:

For about five years now, I've experienced cycles of mania and overwhelming depression with very short periods of stability in between.

During my most "manic" phase, I feel I'm in more control than when I'm down. I am excited about everything: I want to join every club at my university (and have joined many), make as many friends as possible, I want to constantly be moving around, I want to party, and I'm hypersexual (and sometimes I've acted upon that). I hardly sleep.

But then, I plummet into these phases of depression, where I've noticed that my main trigger for do so is my own doubt, regret, or anxiety from my choices when I was more manic. I'm in the down phase much longer than the manic. I tend to withdraw from clubs I just joined, friends I just met, don't go out anywhere at all because I feel incredibly anxious of expressing this side of me.

I'm now taking a mood stabilizer to try to break this trend.

The one thing that never goes away, though, is my constant self-analyzing. All the time. I make charts, lists, write and write about my own personality trying to figure out who I am, what I naturally enjoy, etc. I've been doing this ever since I can remember.

This constant self-think, is what I believe, is making me so unstable.

So, is there anyone out there who experiences something like this?

- Em, Age 20
 

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Yes. I've been diagnosed with bipolar II, among many other things. Your story sounds very much like mine. I go through phases where I feel indestructable, I seriously feel like superman...ten feet tall and bullet-proof. And then more often than not I'm sooo, sooo low. When I'm down, it's almost hard to put into words. There is seriously nothing that will bring me to a "normal" mood. It's just a waiting game. Nothing triggers it. I never know how I'm gonna be day to day. I might be OK, which is rare lol. More often than not I have to deal with being really, really high, or so low that I can't function. I've literally gone for days without getting out of bed, without showering, without doing anything, I've been that down.

I'm taking Lithium (900 mg) for bpd
Adderax, tranquilizer to treat anxiety
Remeron, antidepressant
Risperidone, an antipsychotic for schizophrenia / bpd

It really bothers me knowing that I need an anti-psychotic in order to function. It's just confirmation of how broken I really am. But it helps. The meds help me get by. I would be an even bigger mess than I am without them.

The Lithium and the Adderax have saved me. Adderax is really more like a mood stabilizer.
 

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OneDayAtATime
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
TenYears:

When manic, have you ever acted upon your impulses?
Did they cause you a lot of distress later on?
And are you usually in a down or up phase?

-Em
 

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Yes, I've acted on my impulses, many, many times. It's gotten me into a LOT of trouble. For example, I was off my meds a few months ago, and I was arrested three times in a four month period. I went to jail lol. I can sort of laugh about it now, but it's really not funny. All three times, it was during one of my "high" stages. I've had a couple of one-night-stands. Which...is just not like me, at all. I'm still paying for my mistakes from a few months ago, & will be for a loooong time. Yeah, it's caused a lot of distress.

More often than not, though, I'm low. And when I say low, I mean one step above being suicidal...I get that low. And for no reason, nothing triggers it.
 

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Such is life
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I have bipolar disorder NOS. I was constantly psychotic and hypo manic when I was younger. When I was about 18, it leveled out. I had to drop out of high school it was so bad. I have a mood swing like every ten minutes, but I can control it. I haven't been manic in years. My bipolar is pretty much level now that older, but I am still a little moody.
 

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I have hypomanic moods, in which I'm super confident about myself, I feel like doing million of things, I'm really optimistic about life and I'm sure that anything that I plan, will come true. Then the depressive mood kicks in, in which I'm in bed or on the computer almost all day, I don't feel like going out at all, I barely eat and I don't sleep well at all. I start questioning all these plans I made while being hypomanic, I feel lonely and hopeless. It really sucks and I want to put an end to it, that's why I'm really considering seeing a professional
 

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Yea i have this **** too it sucks hey. Depressed one day, a champion the next. I guess its better than being depressed 24/7.
 

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I have bipolar as well. My experience has been very similar to yours. On meds, I don't get manic, just depressed. It really blows. I miss hypomania, but at the same time I'm afraid of the consequences. This illness is terrible. I wish I was dead every day.
 

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Oh yes, I know the high's, lows, and everything in between's of bipolar disorder. It's heaven and it's hell. Sometimes it is both at the same time which is quite the mental anguish. However, I am not bipolar 2 I am bipolar 1. I have rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder to be exact. On that note, this is a hellish time of the year for me in terms of mood cycling.
 

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So from analyzing yourself so much, you much know yourself very well then.
 

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OneDayAtATime
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So from analyzing yourself so much, you much know yourself very well then.
Haha, if only that were the case.

The more I analyze, the more I confuse myself about myself, so I continue to analyze what I just analyzed until I completely stress out.

It's ridiculous, I know, and a entirely self-centered thinking pattern that I've trapped myself in. It takes up most of my free time, which makes me feel completely out of it around others. I have some weird fixation on identity for some reason.
 

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Backstreet's Back ALRIGHT
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I was diagnosed with bipolar ages ago but I don't think they said what type since I was a kid.

I definitely fit the bill for type 2 though. My Mom notices it a lot because when I'm in one of those "extremely happy" moods, I talk non-stop and go from one subject to another in a matter of minutes and I usually pace back and forth. I'm typically just in a great mood and excited about everything.

and then in a matter of minutes, it's like the fun monster drained me and I'm suddenly depressed and angry as hell. That is when I sit at the computer and mope and think about killing myself. I suppose if I was skinny, hot and confident, I'd probably be a teensy bit promiscuous.

When i was younger, I suppose I'd get extremely hyperactive and disobedient...Then I'd be full of so much rage that i'd hit and break things...I was crazy...I hurt people...then I'd turn into a sweet angel again.

I took medicine like depakote, lithium and risperdal and I don't have many memories but I suppose they worked okay. I was on abilify for not very long when I was like..16 or 17? Then i stopped taking them. The bottle is still sitting in our medicine cabinet lol.

I honestly don't really know myself. I've been suffering from a bit of an identity crisis these past few months and it sucks butt.
 
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