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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So as stated, my neighbors are having party. ALL the neighbors. In the court we live on. Past experiences that have involved me going to these things with MOST my neighbors turns out badly and as such, 5 years later I make it my sole goal to avoid anything to do with these people AND I pretty much want to remain unseen even on my own property when they happen to be outside. Some back story: since 1 particular household is pretty much The Party House I had been to a few parties or gatherings there. Lots of alcohol. Now, I seemed to notice that the probability at these things of someone getting drunk or belligerent was pretty much a given, I figured if I did anything stupid or said anything 'weird' it would basically be brushed off and or forgotten. Not so, as I found out. Sure, I'm not the person that took out their fence in a drunken stupor and fell into the neighboring homes' swimming pool, nor am I the one that fell at the top of the hill and continued to roll the entire way down the street into the one light post at the end. But yes, I drank too much a few times around these same people even though I really knew better and that I'd regret it. I did nothing bizarre compared to some of the other people in regards to drinking is basically the point I'm trying to make. Drinking aside, I've overheard some pretty crappy things said about me when they thought I couldn't hear. Some things I've overheard would be laughable... such as I practice witchcraft because I happen to be buddies with a black semi feral domestic cat/bobcat that shadows my every move outside. Granted, I'm sure it doesn't help that they see me walking around in the middle of the night with said cat because I don't, as you remember from earlier, like to be seen when anyone is out if left to my own devices. Alot of instances where one of them will be talking to my spouse and I'm standing RIGHT THERE, even said hi, and been totally snubbed complete with lip curling. LAST time I was involved in a party situation that involved the entire court: last 4th of July and all the households were outside hanging out and setting off fireworks and drinking. I was sitting on my porch behind my jasmine plant watching and no one knew I was there which suited me just fine. My newest neighbor was walking down the road to join them when he spotted me and said 'hey, what are you hiding for? come on and hang out' basically, and I tried to tell him, look, these people really don't care for me and something bad usually happens, so no, I really don't think that's a great idea. But he persisted with 'you'll be ok, just hang out with me and it will be fine.' I said, 'I doubt it.' He told me hiding was ridiculous, which, yes it is. I am not really a shy person and I think that's what he thought. I decided that might as well, at least one neighbor is trying to be friendly and if worst comes to worst, my house is RIGHT THERE so I just go home. So I went. As soon as I was spotted it was kind of like the parting of the red sea. The talk stopped and turned into groups of 3-6 all tittering and whispering and point blank staring. You can imagine how I felt. I tried to act like that did not hurt my feelings, even said hi to a few people and was met with that lip curl thing. At that point I turned to the neighbor that had thought this was a good idea and he was looking at me funny. Like I grew horns and a tail. I started to talk to him and he sort of just blew me off, politely I'll give you that, and joined some of the others. And ignored me. I really don't blame him. He was the newest neighbor and it's important to fit in with the people you live around and all, so seeing that I was certainly NOT what was deemed acceptable to the others, he probably made the right decision. For him. So....that left me standing there alone. Even my KIDS (15 and 17 at the time) would have nothing to do with me. Instead of going home like I really really should have done, I got very angry and stayed because I refused to let these people have the satisfaction of knowing they had chased me off. So, I tried to act nonchalant and leaned against a parked car that a bunch of kids were sitting on and tried to subdue a full blown panic attack. Not a minute passed before one of the kids told me to get the blankety blank off his car. This was a friend of my eldest. And he was quite vocal. Everyone heard. Did I leave? No. Stupid. So I moved and stood BY another car. That lasted less than a minute when the guy that owned that car got in my face. I didn't even TOUCH his vehicle. At that point I was so upset, had the whole fight or flight going on, I told him I wasn't even touching his vehicle and that I'd appreciate if he'd stop making a scene out of nothing, to which he replied he could have me arrested for being belligerent which I was NOT being. Then arrested for being drunk in public which I was not (thank god). And several other things to the glee of the others watching when I told him where he could stick it. Which was a first for me with these people. Turns out the guy was an off duty cop and boyfriend of one of the people on the court. At that point my youngest took pity on me and came over and diffused the situation and Cop Boy ventured off. At that point, I just waited until no one was paying attention to me & slipped away and went home, I made a vow to myself NEVER AGAIN. I'm almost 40 and I'm sick and tired of feeling like that kid in high school everyone picks on. Not to mention I'm sick of adults that act as bad as those high school bullies.
That leads to this party. Which is tonight. And I HAVE to attend because it's a party for the high school graduates. My kid and another. The entire situation is bizarre. They decided to throw this party (more just an excuse to have an adult party) in part for my kid without even asking us first. Complete with DJ and a taco truck. My husband was informed of this when we were leaving to shop, he was flagged down by the neighbor. I say my husband was informed because even though I was sitting right by him, and I said hi, the guy just acted like I wasn't there. Hubby asked what we could do to help, and it pretty much boiled down to 'help us pay for it'. I've been watching these neighbors (3 households) setting this thing up this last week, and I just sit behind my jasmine plant like a hermit. I asked a few times if I could do anything, bring chairs, help set up, anything. Response, if anything beyond a lip curl and no reply has been a rather disgusted, "NO." with an eye roll. One neighbor took it upon herself to make fresh lemonade for this thing, which is what she's been doing for 2 days, and hubby told me I should go help her (The source of the disgusted 'NO'). See, he doesn't venture much from work or his Man Cave, also he doesn't think they like him too much either, so not only does he not see what I deal with on a daily basis, he's thrilled to be 'part of' something that they're doing. He just doesn't get it, nor does he get how horrible it is for me when I'm trying to not have anxiety attacks every time I even leave my house. (I'm agoraphobic and been working on that for 20+ years). Add the social anxiety which I've been working on all my life and you get the idea.
The largest problem and I'm scared to death, I quit drinking alcohol 6 months ago (because it almost killed me.I was/am a full blown alcoholic). And the neighbors just recently found that out. One response was "Really? For how long?" It's not that the idea of being around alcohol freaks me out, ok, well it does, and this will be the first time I've been around a group of people drinking. That's how I dealt with large groups of people...I drank. I just think it sucks that the first time I will be dealing with this will be with these people who seem to go out of their way to antagonize/insult me, nor does it help that there is a running bet on how long I will remain sober which just started 2 weeks ago (when they discovered I no longer drank). They don't know WHY I quit, they think it's a New Year Resolution. Think it can't be worse? They issued a party invite on FACEBOOK and are attempting to throw one of the largest parties in the town. So, there goes the 'known' factor, where I can kinda get what may happen because I KNOW who will be there, and now it's not going to be that way. I have talked to family and the few friends I have about this entire thing, people who know everything that's happened since we moved here and each and everyone of them says find a way to get OUT of it, but they see I can't otherwise I'll be adding 'horrible mother' to the gossip mill, and it isn't fair to my son to weasel out of it, either. I've tried telling myself that they'll be too preoccupied with everything, I'm being paranoid, I'm blowing things out of proportion, I'm being selfish when this is all for my kid...all the things that seem reasonable to tell myself. Problem is, I've told myself the same things prior to each time I've been in a situation with these individuals and it turns out I had every reason to worry in the first place. Then you add that people who truly DO care for me, and my therapist, saying 'I wouldn't go. Ever seen 'Carrie'?' And that's how it feels. I've had the feeling of being 'set up' before, and that's how I feel now. I distinctly feel that my quitting drinking is going to being the main focal point this time, and that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone that's been struggling with alcoholism for a very long time. I'll be having enough problems with myself without them adding to it. But, since it's a party for my kid, I have no choice.
I'm sorry this is so long, and thanks to anyone that has read this far, but as of now I have 4 hours before this thing and I am desperate for any advice. ANY. Any that doesn't involve hiding behind my jasmine plant and being laughed at. But, I'd prefer that to public humiliation. What would you do?
 

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Personally I wouldn't go under the circumstances, but I'd try to find a specific, productive thing to do during the time the party is taking place so I wouldn't feel that I was just avoiding it.
You deserve to be proud of your sobriety & you should be proud of anything you do which helps you to maintain it.

(( hug ))
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Believe me, I've tried. I've really tried. But to not attend a party which is basically going to be held right outside my door, for my own kid is..well, it's so many levels of wrong. I'm kinda stuck.

Thank you for your words on my sobriety. I do encounter alot of doubt from others sometimes when I tell them. Haven't had alot of support and all. Probably because I'm ashamed to even admit I got as bad as I did. So it's really nice to hear.:D

As to whether I think my alcoholism had anything to do with the situation of these people, it's only a small part. It would be awfully hypocritical of other alcoholics to just have that reason for the way they treat me. I admit, I really don't know what the issue is with them. I could guess, but I'd probably be wrong.
 

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It sounds like you're good at trusting your feelings & I bet you're usually right :)
Is there somewhere you can go for a few hours until the party is over?
I've not known too many kids who were concerned about their parents *not* being at that kind of party... :um
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Not really, lol. I don't drive for one. And second, I really have no friends in the area, so I can't just go hang out with someone.

I know my kid is pretty much going to be doing his own thing, as will the other kids, but this is a kid/adult party. You know how sometimes parents will have a party 'for the kid' but it really is just another 'reason' to have a party for the adults? It's one of those things. Sadly, I guess they are short on entertainment so they amuse themselves by messing with other people. Bad part is, they know full well they have me in a very uncomfortable spot (more overheard conversations I heard from my bedroom window which overlooks the entire court. I don't try to listen, it's just hard NOT to hear everything from that window).

I guess I'm just going to have to pop a Valium, or 2, which I really don't care for, and throw myself in the lion's den and hope for the best because it seems the only option I have. I've been asking myself, if this was someone else's issue and they asked me for advice what would I tell them? Sadly, spiking their drinking supply with ex-lax isn't a 'real' option, haha, so I'm back at square one with that one. Haha. I'd also say to someone else, that if those people want to talk crap, they're going to do so regardless what you do, so it doesn't matter, give them something to talk about. But since I'm not exactly comfortable with that idea myself, it must be the wrong advice, lol.

Maybe I just think too much.
 

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Would it be feasible for you to make a brief appearance then 'disappear' for a significant time then, briefly, pop back in again? - If that makes any sense!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Like pop in and out kind of a thing? I could try that. And even though these things run until the next day I could disappear completely by say, 10 pm with some kind of excuse. I mean, alot people DO go to bed at 10 pm, so they can't claim I'm lying (though they'd know full well I am, but oh well). Maybe I could ask one of my brothers to call me with a 'crisis' thus giving me some kind of excuse to stay inside. And stay on the other side of the house to avoid hearing what their opinion of me is from my bedroom window. That's one thing in life I could really do without. That whole 'those that listen at keyholes always hear something they don't like about themselves' thing. And I admit, sometimes I DO listen because I'd like to know just what it is I supposedly did/am doing. Not the smartest thing to do, I know, but I think we all do it. I guess because we want to know what we're doing wrong.

Hmm....maybe things won't be as bad as I think they will be. :par Or maybe once again I'm trying to delude myself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
However I still like the ex lax in the drinks thing. That would force the party to wind down pretty quickly on it's own, I imagine, with everyone wanting the privacy of their own toilet.:teeth Oh if only.

And it would serve them right for picking on people they know little about.:mum
 

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Oy! No ex-lax! Pop in briefly/pop out for ages & no eavesdropping - what they may have to say is not worth hearing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
That's what I'm going to do. As of it's actually starting right now (a bit early).

One small problem I just discovered. I was unaware that people will be in and out of MY house? It seems that the kid portion of said party has already hit a snag. Seems the other kid who's party this is as well has just decided he didn't like my kid's friends or something, and something dire would occur if said friends showed up. Which is a bit redundant now, considering that Facebook invite. I'm....wondering if the kids will end up here instead of out there? I'm not sure what is going on. I guess that's as good as an excuse than any...I have to keep an eye for underage drinking in my house or something?:confused:

This will be...an experience. (one which I'd rather not have)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I survived the party. Wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world and the usual people acted as they usually do but with no antagonistic stuff. Thank god. I was actually APPROACHED by some people I did not know which was alright. Basically those people came over where I was sitting alone to 'see if you're as bad/weird as been told', LMAO. Talk about a roundabout way to meet new people.:rofl They decided (as been told by my built in spy network aka my kid) I was 'interesting but odd', which is a whole lot better than I expected.

Thanks BadGirl! I did the popping in/out thing like you suggested and it was great; gave me loads of time to recoup when I started feeling really off and nervous. I also wasn't expecting my husband to invite one of his employees (he pretty much figured no one would really be talking to us much and also that I needed someone I could focus on to...hmm...acclimate myself, which worked beautifully. ;)
 

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Candi, your story inspired so much that that I wanted to join to talk to you. I live in the EXACT same type of neighbourhood. One major difference is I don't have children or a spouse so I feel completely alone at times (most times). I have felt so unwanted many times on this street, with this group of people, however it seems that they are the only friends I have so I try to fit in mostly, and not let the negativity bother me so much. But when I read about how you have overheard all those negative comments, I wondered exactly what it was that you heard, because you didn't elaborate. What exactly do these people have against you? Also, I wondered have you asked yourself if what they said is valid? I mean, if you gained information on what you allegedly did that turned them off of you, isn't there a way to fix it? I mean confront them and clarify who you are to them, perhaps explain they are mistaken? I ask these things because my struggle involves overhearing things that I THINK are about me. I hear them talking about others all the time, and yes I partake in the gossip, and I know its wrong but somehow it helps me feel part of things. Jeez, as I write this I can see how pathetic it sounds, especially because consider myself to be a good person, honest and caring and all the rest. But I find myself wanting to be part of everything so badly that I join in that negative crap. But then I feel that as soon as I turn around that they are doing it to me. Here is the crux of the problem. They probably are doing it to me, and in some ways I probably deserve it, but it kills me that people are talking behind me back, that I have done something wrong, and when I get that way then I immediately feel I need to fix it, but then end up making things worse. Now, I didn't mean to go on so much about me, because I am really curious about you. My main question is: is what you overheard valid? Or could it be that you somehow sought out information (real or perceived) to confirm your feelings of inadequacy?
Also, I want to add that I was glad to hear things ended well, and that you made it through that nerve-wracking event. And happy too that you kept your dignity! (That's my new word these days-DIGNITY!)
 

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One more thing- I did read that they commented on you being a witch or something, but could they have been joking (albeit a very ignorant joke)... As I mentioned earlier I admitted to taking about others in my group, and I have been involved in conversations like that, and I confess I would probably join in to that one, to try to get others laughing. It is a digesting habit I have, part of my own insecurities I know, I try to be funny to get others to like me, and I think I may have found an outlet here to learn and reflect on my own crap.
Anyhow, just wanted to add this last thought, hope I haven't overstepped...
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Kim: Hi! I'm new here too. I found this place a few hours before that party I was freaking myself about lol. Ok let me try to answer some of your questions because your post sounded like the little voice in my head lol. Glad to know that I'm not the only one. So I wrote that I'd been to some of the parties that had been thrown (on a much smaller scale) before things went bad. I thought I was doing so well to fit in with them at the same time trying not to go all funny and have a freak out attack. I would say I'm a nice and kind person too, with a seriously warped sense of humor, sure, but that's to be expected considering the plethora of crap I've dealt with in my life, lol. And here we go, I gossiped. Just like you. You know it's a crappy thing to do, but you do it anyway to fit in. You find out so and so isn't liked because of (insert reason here valid or invalid) and you may not care much for them either, or maybe you think they're ok but does it matter?....and off your mouth goes. Yeah I'm guilty of it too. Then you see said gossip monger hanging out with the person that was gossiped about & think, "Great. Just great." Like you said, you know if they gossip about that person, bet your bottom they're gossiping about you too. Ironically, that isn't much of a reason for them to have issue with me for that because, they led, I followed and they sure don't want you repeating what they started in the first place. :sus To answer another question, I too am guilty of assuming people are saying things about me when I overhear them when they are not, and long story short, I have reason, lmao, to be sure not to jump to conclusions as MUCH as I used to, lol. Sure, that happened a few times but it was nothing major. The things that have been overheard were overheard completely by accident, and a few times I was actually stuck a few feet away and overheard purely because I did not make my presence known. Many times from my room where I work which overlooks the whole court, many times from my front porch because no one can see past some plants, and a few times when I have been out walking at night. Yup, with the black cat. LOL. You'll notice I'll joke about the black cat alot. Some of the things I've heard are: I'm from the 'wrong side of town', meaning I lived in an area The Black People lived. Yeah. Racist much? I am a tramp (How? With whom?) I am a drunk ( they at least had THAT right, but so are they, so who cares?) I'm a drug user. (?) I'm 'certifiably insane'. (alrighty then) That was early on and frankly, rather basic for gossip, though the level of racism here sucks. Then they went onto my husband beats me. My children are thieves. We're ******* trash (that one after discovering I was from SC), I fall alot because of a leg problem and they ALWAYS make some nasty comment about me being drunk. They only saw me drunk in public 4 times at parties, and besides that they would have seen it only if they came to my house because I was a solo drinker, if you know what I mean. Comments about my weight (too much, too little.) Some crap about my parents and brothers whom they've never met and know nothing except whatever I may have told them. Then I'm a conspiracy theorist (maybe I am?)Then about 3 years after we moved in they started the black magic witchcraft stuff. And I can see a few reasons why maybe. Yes, other than the black cat, lol. I think it started with them asking odd questions. I love to answer odd questions. Paranormal and odd stuff. History. Useless knowledge. Home remedies and herbs and quite knowledgeable about cats and snakes and...you see where some of that can lead to when you're talking to ignorant people. Throw in a black cat with a severe attitude issue who acts like she's my personal secret service and you've got one winner of a rumor goin' round.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Since I brought up my sense of humor, I'm adding something. I always believe that humor can pretty much fix any situation, even to the point of making fun of myself. Last Halloween I thought, with all the witchy rumors going around, and the fact that one of the jerks had thought it amusing to draw pentagrams on my front porch and door with chalk, I'd turn it into a joke, show them I could laugh at myself, hahaha, and make them feel maybe a little embarassed at themselves. I had this whole thing thought out, and to me it was funny, so come Halloween, I dressed as a 'cute gypsy witch' as authentic as I figured I could, grabbed a crystal ball (I collect them, so what?) and my broom. When the doorbell rang, I answered the door, with ball, broom and candy bowl...and...here we go again with cats...my indoor black cat (not the out of doors beast) perched on my shoulder. I would hand the crystal ball to one of the trick or treaters and tell them to gaze into it and seek the answer to the question 'how much candy is Candii going to give you?' Whatever the reply, I'd tell them it was the wrong answer and say it was 2 candy bars more than their guess, and proceed to pass out the candy. Then,& I thought it was funny, I'd step into the yard and sit sidesaddle on the broom and gaze up at the sky and say, "I must away...the Grand Wizard is calling and away I must fly!" ( a little bad movie reference there). The little kids from other neighborhoods thought it was great. The people here, however, be it the parents with their young kids or the few teenagers just looked at me real strange. I don't know how I missed how obviously STUPID I was making myself look until the household across the street brought their brood and some friends of theirs over for candy. As they walked away I sat down on the porch for a cigarette, so they didn't see I was still there. I heard one adult say to another (this would be neighbor's friend to actual neighbor) "Wow. So that was awkward." Stop there a minute. You know that jaw dropping humiliating 'aha!' moment you get when you realize everyone is gawking at you NOT because you said something so funny it left them speechless, but because you've had a big piece of toilet paper trailing out the back of your pants like a windsail for half an hour and that piece of New Year's confetti you've felt under your nose for half the night is not confetti at all but a big booger instead? No? That's never happened to you? Ok, well, that's how it felt. Sure, maybe they could be talking about someone else, maybe, and that's not much consolation considering you feel like a horse's backside. Then I heard the friend ask something about 'what do they call witch's animals?' and 'familiars I think. The one on her shoulder wasn't it though. You might see her and the damn thing walking around when it's later. It's pretty creepy. ______won't let the kids go over there cuz they were always taking her flowers and once she told them that people used to wear daisy chains or something so they could see fairies. They wanted to go over all the time this summer when she planted a circle of sunflowers for them right there. It seemed neat I guess, but you couldn't see what was going on when the kids went in there. Who the h*** plants something like that in the front yard?' Friend laughs. 'Haha, maybe she'll get loaded and fall on her broomstick and kill herself and pop goes the weasel! hahaha!' 'Dude, serious, I think she knows we know and that's why she dressed that way.' 'Yeah, ___ and ____ saw her earlier and said if she lost anymore weight she'll look like the crypt keeper.' 'maybe she has cancer?' 'wouldn't surprise me she's been in and out of the hospital and no one is sure why really, we didn't know she was even gone. Figured she was hiding in the house doing..whatever it is she does in there.'

And that's what they said. Wording here and there was not exact: the broomstick comment, I can't remember it perfect, but it was pretty close to that and I'll never forget the pop goes the weasel remark. Also, the sunflower circle that I did indeed plant in my front yard for the kids, they said more but I can't remember just what, only that it seemed to imply I was a child molester of some kind. I stopped where they began discussing just what it was I do at home alone and it's not something I think is appropriate to even post.

What I learned:
You can't fix everything with humor, especially if the person(s) involved have no sense of humor.
Doing cool things for other peoples kids makes you a pedophile.
Being a vessel of useless knowledge makes you look like a weirdo and not cool.
Telling kids fairy tales and making daisy chains must obviously mean I am putting spells on their children so I can later absorb their youth so I will be beautiful and young again and will no longer resemble the crypt keeper-like hag I supposedly resemble.
Obviously it must be time to spray paint my cats white, because black cats MUST be bad.

Am I missing anything?
 
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