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Pronouced Tech-Oh
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I often see that many ppl on this forum basically either choose to be isolated or have a difficult time talking to anyone, even people they know. So I was just wondering if there is anyone here with I guess a less severe case. Basically I'm able to talk and converse A LOT and be comfortable doing so with people I've known for a while and grown comfortable with. But only when it comes to strangers or people I don't really know or feel comfortable around do I get extremely quiet, nervous and say the bare minimum to get the conversation over --- I even find my self trying to force a question or 2 out just to appear "normal" to them. As far as going out goes, I never go anywhere because I really don't have any friends and if I go alone I'll just stand there like an idiot, basically defeating the purpose of going (assuming it was a club - and yes, I've done this before). Basically I'm at a level where I'm not completely cut off from a social life (not far from it though!), but it does keep me from really being able to enjoy life and take advantage of the many opportunities it has to offer. It seems my biggest challenge is initializing a conversation in order to meet new ppl.
 

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B 2 Lonely
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*Raises both hands in the air*

This sounds like me, almost to the T.

Basically I'm able to talk and converse A LOT and be comfortable doing so with people I've known for a while and grown comfortable with. But only when it comes to strangers or people I don't really know or feel comfortable around do I get extremely quiet, nervous and say the bare minimum to get the conversation over
Yes, i do this a lot - the only thing that keeps me talking to people is my job. if i did not work, i would probably be in worse shape. however, talking to people each day improves my social skills in conversation and helps me work on getting my point across in an understanding & methodical way, instead of blabbering.

I even find my self trying to force a question or 2 out just to appear "normal" to them.
I don't usually force a question, i try to be attentive to the conversation, picking out things that might be interesting to myself, so i can comment on it, which gives the impression of "hey i am listening!". sometimes it is okay to listen to conversations and say nothing. hopefully though, it was worth standing there or being involved in it.

As far as going out goes, I never go anywhere because I really don't have any friends and if I go alone I'll just stand there like an idiot, basically defeating the purpose of going (assuming it was a club - and yes, I've done this before).
I went to a bar a month ago - it was okay, but it was too dark, so i got a bit nervous. i know people, and i recently bumped my childhood friend into the "know zone" (out of friend zone). i know many people but they are always busy so i feel like going out alone is a waste of time, and gas. sometimes i do go out but its to shop for PC parts.

Basically I'm at a level where I'm not completely cut off from a social life (not far from it though!), but it does keep me from really being able to enjoy life and take advantage of the many opportunities it has to offer.
I am sorry you feel that way, because i feel this way, as well.
 

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Out there...
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^ Yeah, with people I don't know, I can act however I want because I know most likely, I'll never see them again (that is unless, I wish to keep in contact with someone).

With "friends" or people you know, you know you're probably going to have to face them again, so for me, there's always that looming fear of judgement from these people and you can't necessarily break free of that grasp.

However, I seem to erratically have periods where I want to socialize vs. not wanting to socialize. Also, there are periods where I do great socially where everything is spot on and in other random cases, I flop big time. These all happen very arbitrarily for me. Very unpredictable, sometimes.
 

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electric
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I feel like I do reasonably well too. I am shy and avoid girls unless I have some reason to approach them or talk to them not related to my thinking they're cute, but otherwise my anxiety is usually a discomfort I can calm. It's harder the more people's attention I have, but even then it's merely challenging. I know I get clearly shy though too when people are really generous or complimentary. If I'm asked or invited to go out with people I have to talk myself into it most of the time. I struggle to make and keep friends though and I get very lonely, but really, I'm not often all that interested in being friends with people when it comes down to it and I think people often feel the same way with me. It's not how I want things to be, but I don't often feel like I have much in common with someone.
 

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electric
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But only when it comes to strangers or people I don't really know or feel comfortable around do I get extremely quiet, nervous and say the bare minimum to get the conversation over --- I even find my self trying to force a question or 2 out just to appear "normal" to them. As far as going out goes, I never go anywhere because I really don't have any friends and if I go alone I'll just stand there like an idiot, basically defeating the purpose of going (assuming it was a club - and yes, I've done this before). Basically I'm at a level where I'm not completely cut off from a social life (not far from it though!), but it does keep me from really being able to enjoy life and take advantage of the many opportunities it has to offer. It seems my biggest challenge is initializing a conversation in order to meet new ppl.
Me too. I say the bare minimum a lot! lol It makes me think I'm one of these days going to pay for taking advantage of their extroversion and self-confidence!

And yeah, doing otherwise fun things alone just sucks.
 

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Herp Derp
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270 Posts
Yes this describes me perfectly. In fact a lot of times if I'm around people I know, I catch myself talking TOO much and try to hold back, but then people ask me if I'm feeling okay since I seem quiet. I guess the talking is what got my roommate and his friends to "like" me.

But damn, even at family gatherings (I see most of my family once a year at Thanksgiving) I barely talk to people.

The problem is, I think that even with people I know in a class or whatever, I get kind of obnoxious when I talk a lot so I think that's probably what kept people from befriending me
 

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Banned
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I often see that many ppl on this forum basically either choose to be isolated or have a difficult time talking to anyone, even people they know. So I was just wondering if there is anyone here with I guess a less severe case. Basically I'm able to talk and converse A LOT and be comfortable doing so with people I've known for a while and grown comfortable with. But only when it comes to strangers or people I don't really know or feel comfortable around do I get extremely quiet, nervous and say the bare minimum to get the conversation over --- I even find my self trying to force a question or 2 out just to appear "normal" to them. As far as going out goes, I never go anywhere because I really don't have any friends and if I go alone I'll just stand there like an idiot, basically defeating the purpose of going (assuming it was a club - and yes, I've done this before). Basically I'm at a level where I'm not completely cut off from a social life (not far from it though!), but it does keep me from really being able to enjoy life and take advantage of the many opportunities it has to offer. It seems my biggest challenge is initializing a conversation in order to meet new ppl.
I'm sure a lot of people can relate to your situation. In my opinion it's the beliefs you have about yourself that stop you from making new friends that is the biggest problem. For me it depends on my mood. If I'm in a really good mood and really confident I can be very outgoing and friendly. If I'm in an average mood with average confidence I'm not gonna put too much effort into it. You say that this keeps you from being able to really enjoy life-that's a big deal. I don't know what your beliefs about yourself are but you may want to try to see what they are and how that affects your life.
 

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Pronouced Tech-Oh
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
^ Yeah, with people I don't know, I can act however I want because I know most likely, I'll never see them again (that is unless, I wish to keep in contact with someone).
I wish I was able to do this, but I think the problem is that WANT to be seen cool and be liked, and that's part of what makes me afraid and shy. I don't want to give bad impression, even if its just to make new friend (something i really need to do). For example when it comes to girls, I basically think 50 different scenarios out in my head and basically persuade myself not to even make an attempt at approaching them as I'm afraid I'll be laughed at and/or look at weird.

Yes this describes me perfectly. In fact a lot of times if I'm around people I know, I catch myself talking TOO much and try to hold back, but then people ask me if I'm feeling okay since I seem quiet. I guess the talking is what got my roommate and his friends to "like" me.
LOL @ talking too much...people at work probably think I'm a chatter box. It's just I know them now and I'm comfortable with them. I'm a Desktop Support Tech (IT guy) where I work so I have no choice but to talk and interact with them all. And actually when I first meet them I'm as quiet as can be like I said...sweaty, nervous, afraid. Two ladies here told me they though I was stuck up because I never talked when I first started here. I would make friend with them outside of work...but they're all old farts! (no offense to the older ppl here LOL)

Thanks for the replies guys
 

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Out there...
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5,124 Posts
^ Yeah, with people I don't know, I can act however I want because I know most likely, I'll never see them again (that is unless, I wish to keep in contact with someone).
I wish I was able to do this, but I think the problem is that WANT to be seen cool and be liked, and that's part of what makes me afraid and shy. I don't want to give bad impression, even if its just to make new friend (something i really need to do). For example when it comes to girls, I basically think 50 different scenarios out in my head and basically persuade myself not to even make an attempt at approaching them as I'm afraid I'll be laughed at and/or look at weird.
Well, believe it or not I am still like this to a degree. However, it's down to a moderate/manageable level. I still inwardly freak out or panic around strangers, that is if I want to attempt to socialize and the specific situations (such as whether or not they're already talking to somebody, looking away from you, whether it's too loud, whether they seem to be not in the mood and will dismiss you almost immediately, etc.) or surroundings make me second-guess myself.

I know it's much easier said than done, and trust me I wasn't a big believer in this myself, but it's a whole lot easier if you don't care at all about the result and just go "What the hell, go for it". Doing just that without hesitation will alleviate a good portion of that anxiety. And if the reaction isn't favorable, I force myself to shrug it off (I say "force myself" because in some instances, it isn't always easy to just get over one non-positive reaction).

I used to think I would never be able to properly able to get over a hurdle like this one. But now I've I've made noticeable progress, what's to say that this can't be fully overcome (within time and reason)? And this is saying a lot because I'm usually the last peron to notice changes of any sort within myself.

BTW, I've noticed that we're both the same age. Even though I've adopted the mindset of "it's only a number", I still worry a good deal about not getting up to speed socially before "time runs out" (relatively speaking). The worst part is that pressure to be succesfull socially and otherwise before I approach my 30's. Because I'll REALLY feel like and be perceived as an outcast with no way back in if I can't make any further progress.

Apologies for the essay I just wrote, but I figured I'd chime back in. Best of luck, brother. We're all in this struggle full way.
 
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