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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know im a noob here, but i've gotten past a lot of my social anxiety and i can see the light on the other side.... No, no, I'm not perfect yet but at least I feel like I have come a ways. I still have problems sometimes and i get caught in wacky social situations.. But I am fairly relaxed now. You dont have to take my advice if you dont want to, but its here to read whenever you want. Really I just want to help because i feel for everyone.

..just want people to know that the thing that got me through it more than anything else was optimism. If the anxiety you suffer makes you depressed.. And you are always going through this endless cycle of trying but failing, and then becoming depressed, its the depression that makes you backtrack isn't it?

Ya.. its really hard to see the light when you are in pitch-black. Maybe you cant fathom it right now, but if it makes you feel any better, becoming optimistic is easier than losing weight. Its faster than losing weight and its more fun than losing weight.
If you think you are negative by deffinition, and see no way you could stop being negative, the first thing you should probably do is try.

There is no avoiding mistakes in the real world. Its going to happen no matter, but if you fail, and you only look at your mishaps as failures, of course you wont be able to get past them. Every time you make a mistake acccept it and just say "i learned a lot from that" Everything in the past should remain in the past...

If you have obsessive and intrusive thoughts that invade your mind that you cant control, know that when you have them, that they are just little bugs invading your brain. Recognize when you get bugs. Visualize that they are bugs even! When you get them, replace that negative ego-bruising thought with a positive one. ALWAYS do this.

The thing with negative people is.. (and i was such a negative person i swear) We recycle the same negative thoughts because our minds have become so accustomed to processing them. You are not negative by nature! Your mind is like a forrest with all these little pathways that you have walked along everyday. When you walk on the same grass everyday it dies. You need to form new paths of thought.

It takes practice, but it is possible and like i said it is way easier than losing weight. Eventually all your positive opinions about yourself will snowball. They will harden and you can use them like a shield against all those negative thoughts. You cant battle social anxiety with nothing in your hand to defend yourself at all. You have to give yourself that power and build your ego up a bit. Becoming brave and stepping outside and taking risks with people comes much more easily after you have taken a few hits. I recommend: Getting into the habit of being religiously optimistic (edit: a jolly pragmatist :p) before you go and try to take huge social steps.

I tried to do both at the same time and looking back, I fell back a lot because interacting with people sometimes sabotaged my optimism.

Thats not to say you should stop trying altogether! But first you should prioritize being optimistic. It takes some time to always look on the bright side.

Whatever happens dont expect things to be perfect at first. Always escape back to the positive zone in your mind when you get knocked over. Fantasize about somethiing like a story you are writing or focus on your hobby to keep yourself from going into negative thought-loops.

Having a skill or talent is like the most awesome thing to distract yourself with too! It will also help build your ego. ((edit: I should probably stress this more.. I did build my talents up a lot when i was battling SA and it is a huge part of why i have confidence))

Like I said you dont have to take this advice, but I felt like it would be important resource for people.

I will check this sometimes. If you have questions I will try to answer them the best way I know how.

My experience might not be like yours but if it helps you at all, then great
 

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I agree with this so much. The glass has to be half-full.

Being negative will negatively affect your confidence, and it will show.

I got called in to work on my day off? Great! I can go make some money...

My team lost? That's alright, we'll get 'em next year.

I said "Hi" to this cute girl and she didn't say anything back. Hey, can't say I didn't try!

I told a joke and nobody laughed. Did the world end? Did the sky fall? Nope, I'm still here. It's all good.
 

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It depends on what your definition of "optimism" is. I tend to prefer "realist" myself. Just as you can convince yourself that everything will always be horrible, you can also convince yourself that everything will always be wonderful - just because it's more positive doesn't mean it's a correct view of the world. Isn't it much better to say that some things are horrible, some things are wonderful, and most thing are neither?

I came across a series of articles about it once that defined it as, basically, willfully deluding yourself into thinking that things will always work out for the best. It was accompanied by a test to judge how optimistic you are, which was a list of scenarios in which something had either gone right or wrong and gave you a choice on what was responsible for it - if you blamed all the good things directly on yourself and all the bad things directly on external influences, you were an optimist. So for instance, doing well on a test because you're smart and awesome makes you an optimist, but doing well on a test because you studied hard beforehand makes you a pessimist. Being late to a destination and blaming the traffic makes you an optimist, but saying it's your fault because you left home too late makes you a pessimist. It was ridiculous. I don't want to wander through life smiling and oblivious, even if it will supposedly make me happier.
 

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Thank you, it is inspiring :)
 

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Thanks, but I have a question, If I do this, I don't believe all the optimistic things I say to myself. Is that a problem or can you relate to that?.

I mean, I'm in a social situation and people are ignoring me because I'm quet, then I feel bad about myself because I think I'm boring.
What do I have to say to myself in this situation? "I'm just quet and not boring?, I dont believe thats true, I believe I'm am boring and I have reasons to. I don't have reasons why I am not boring, so how do I have to handle this? . Just fool yourself and at the end you will believe it?. That sounds not good to me.

But I have to say your "solution"is true I think, but I just have problems with practising it.
 

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Yeah, I have realised the importance of having a positive attitude. Instead of trying to get over my axiety I have decided that I will overcome my anxiety and now am simply working towards that. There is no 'trying' because I have already decided on my goal and am commited to succeeding.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks, but I have a question, If I do this, I don't believe all the optimistic things I say to myself. Is that a problem or can you relate to that?.

I mean, I'm in a social situation and people are ignoring me because I'm quet, then I feel bad about myself because I think I'm boring.
What do I have to say to myself in this situation? "I'm just quet and not boring?, I dont believe thats true, I believe I'm am boring and I have reasons to. I don't have reasons why I am not boring, so how do I have to handle this? . Just fool yourself and at the end you will believe it?. That sounds not good to me.

But I have to say your "solution"is true I think, but I just have problems with practising it.
Yes i totally relate. I didn't believe all the things i told myself at first either. Its fine, don't let it bring you down. The point is that you keep trying... Like I said, it all snowballs...

Pile the positives right on.

If you think negatively and feel bad, learn to catch yourself. Fight the negative side of your mind that is critical. Making a habit of countering your negative alter-ego's criticisms with compliments. If you did something great that day recognize that you did it. Eventually it will come much easier to you. You will convince yourself that your positive thoughts are true.

When you have that ego, you can convince yourself you can do a hell of a lot.. Its crazy. ((dont let yourself become too confident either though, over-confidence can be just as bad. I don't mean you should literally be an optimist all the time. Just work towards being a cheery pragmatist))

Anyway it will come to you fast, especially if you have skills. Skills are so important. If you have some kind of hobby or goal try to use that to give yourself a boost. Work towards it very hard. You want to prove to people you're a badass right? Coolness is relative so just make it work for you.

nunchuk skills.. bowhunting skills .. computer hacking skills ;)
 

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Thanks, but I have a question, If I do this, I don't believe all the optimistic things I say to myself. Is that a problem or can you relate to that?.

I mean, I'm in a social situation and people are ignoring me because I'm quet, then I feel bad about myself because I think I'm boring.
What do I have to say to myself in this situation? "I'm just quet and not boring?, I dont believe thats true, I believe I'm am boring and I have reasons to. I don't have reasons why I am not boring, so how do I have to handle this? . Just fool yourself and at the end you will believe it?. That sounds not good to me.

But I have to say your "solution"is true I think, but I just have problems with practising it.
I didn't thrive in a situation I wanted to thrive in, but hey, I have SA and at least I'm taking the steps necessary to improve. I understand that this won't happen overnight, and I also understand that good things come with time, therefore I'm going to see this as a learning experience and an opportunity to rise. I'll get the hang of it sooner or later. Nothing is going to deny me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Also.. Something else I think will help people majorly:

Just strive to be genuine. It gives you so much mobility. Trying to always follow the crowd is so suffocating. Cool people aren't fake. The most amzing people we idolize are always innovators, they always push boundaries, they are not afraid to be themselves. You know the way so many celebrities are eccentric crazies? Yet people still celebrate them? People love a genuine person. I think stressing that is important.
Go with the flow.

That's so hard to understand at first i know but its such a magical thing to just kick back and love your weirdness. 9 times out of 10 people really do believe in you if you believe in yourself. Working up to that takes time because you feel like you're taking stabs in the dark.. But I think you just have to be self-assured and quirky in front of people a number of times. you have to see the results a number of times to really believe that.

after a while of this.. its crazy. you realize how many of the people you used to be so terrified of were just as unsure of themselves as you were. SO many people never take anything with a grain of salt.

But then when you get to that level, you have to deal with the kind of people that want to take you down a few notches... But then thats a whole other thread. im not ready to make that yet wish me luck i guess
 
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Also.. Something else I think will help people majorly:

Just strive to be genuine. It gives you so much mobility. Trying to always follow the crowd is so suffocating. Cool people aren't fake. The most amzing people we idolize are always innovators, they always push boundaries, they are not afraid to be themselves. You know the way so many celebrities are eccentric crazies? Yet people still celebrate them? People love a genuine person. I think stressing that is important.
Go with the flow.

That's so hard to understand at first i know but its such a magical thing to just kick back and love your weirdness.

:clap

I never personally followed any sort of crowd. I could never fake being fake.

Accepting yourself and all of your quirks and oddities is the first step.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
It depends on what your definition of "optimism" is. I tend to prefer "realist" myself. Just as you can convince yourself that everything will always be horrible, you can also convince yourself that everything will always be wonderful - just because it's more positive doesn't mean it's a correct view of the world. Isn't it much better to say that some things are horrible, some things are wonderful, and most thing are neither?

I came across a series of articles about it once that defined it as, basically, willfully deluding yourself into thinking that things will always work out for the best. It was accompanied by a test to judge how optimistic you are, which was a list of scenarios in which something had either gone right or wrong and gave you a choice on what was responsible for it - if you blamed all the good things directly on yourself and all the bad things directly on external influences, you were an optimist. So for instance, doing well on a test because you're smart and awesome makes you an optimist, but doing well on a test because you studied hard beforehand makes you a pessimist. Being late to a destination and blaming the traffic makes you an optimist, but saying it's your fault because you left home too late makes you a pessimist. It was ridiculous. I don't want to wander through life smiling and oblivious, even if it will supposedly make me happier.
Yeah i edited the op to say pragmatist, thanks.

I do not mean we should try to be oblivious.. ARgh.. No no no. I do not like ignorance one bit.

For example I still read a lot of the news. A lot of it is depressing, yeah. I just dont focus on it obsessively. I focus on the bad things when I need to and move on.

It DOES make you more productive and less likely to falter if you approach problems optimistically though. If you have to talk to a group of people and you tell yourself how ****ty its going to be making a speach, you're proably going to slip all over the place because you've built up this tension in your mind.

Trying to approach work with a tense mind is hard. Its also hard to approach socializing when you've built up a similar tension.

edit: still... being ridiculously optimistic is not such a bad thing. sometimes in certain situations its just best to not listen to logic. When you have a difficult goal, you could find all kinds of reasons to convince yourself its not possible.. There is this book called "Know your limits, then forget them"

you can find it on google books for free. Its really really great.
 

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Yes I agree optimism is very important :) but for some people (like myself), I found it almost impossible to just..be positive. Life was full of mistakes and all I could see was negativity. Positive evaluations of things seriously seemed like brainwashing and a brushing off of reality.

I find it's difficult to transition from a negative cycle into a positive one just by trying to 'think better'. What really helped me out was finding a book full of affirmations or self-talk scripts. These are statements that you say to yourself that promote positivity or whatever you want to improve. I like to think of affirmations as seed that you plant as you say them, and your mind helps it grow (wow, that sounds so lame.. but its true).

Just a tip for anyone who would really like to be more positive, but can't figure out how. :)
 
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