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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Does anybody else suffer with this? I'm talking about the kind of memories that become almost obsessive. Intrusive thoughts, I guess you would say, involving times in the past where you humiliated yourself.

I believe this may be called "rumination" but I'm not sure. I also think it's part of my OCD. I have these a lot at times. It seems to come in waves, like when my obsession is bad. Usually it is memories of me embarrassing myself in the past or else thoughts about relationships I screwed up. Girlfriends I broke up with because of SA and have regretted ever since. Sometimes it's regrets about past jobs that I quit or was fired from because of SA.

Also, sometimes when it's a really painful memory, like times when I felt humiliated, I will unconsciously make a sound like a moan or a whimper or will even curse out loud. I only do this when alone, but there have been times when I had the thought and said something out loud when people were around. (Don't think they heard me though, because they weren't too close). I guess I have some control over it, like part of me realizes I'm alone so I go ahead and make the sound, but it feels automatic.

God, I hope I'm not the only one who has this. :hide
 

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I have that too but I learnt to control them. It's part of growing up. Eventually good things will happen and take your mind off the bad. Focus on what you like - and ignore the rest.

Life is hard enough without having to relive our nightmares. Just move on :3
 

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Oh yeah. I recently had a breakdown because of regret and embarrassment of my pathetic past and severe jealousy of my boyfriend's past. I don't know how I would have gotten over it if I hadn't discovered this website. Finding out just how much other people were like me made everything seem so much better. I still get upset if I think about myself in comparison to other people or think about everything I missed out on when I was a teenager, but when I think about the other people out there with SA, it's comforting. I know I'm not the only one, and that makes me able to forget about the pain of the past for the most part.
 

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Oh yeah, that's huge for me. I have lots of feelings of guilt and shame about having social anxiety, and I can torture myself by going over and over things in my head that bring up those feelings. I've become somewhat better at controlling them, but it's hard to fight the impulse to ruminate when it comes up (I have OCD as well). I think I almost try to punish myself for making past mistakes by going over and over them, but I'm trying to focus on believing I'm worth feeling good about myself and allowed to make mistakes without suffering too much for it (outside of the mistake itself). It is working, but it takes time and constant self-monitoring.
 

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I can definitely relate to you guys. The ruminations comes at the weirdest times...like today i'd be opening the fridge and some memory would come up of me saying something inappropriate or weird. And i'd be thinking "She must think i'm so weird, im such a loser". I'd get so anxious just because of that memory, and i'd often have to breathe deeply or grab my hair and just say "OMG!!What a retard!"
 

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Thank you!

I cannot tell you how thankful I am that you started this thread and for the responses!
:clap
I do this ALL THE TIME. I can literally remember humiliating things/moments of embarrassment from 15 years ago. Lately, when I start to do it, or think guilty/bad thoughts, I just tell myself, "NO! NOT TODAY!" and imagine a big, red stop sign.
I had no idea that it was called rumination, or that anyone else did it. It's amazing how good I am at making myself feel stupid.
 

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Yep. Do this pretty regularly. I think I only let out an f-bomb or other four-letter groan out loud when I'm alone, but, like you said, it feels automatic. And it's a very fine line between this and the people you see on the streets mumbling nasty little maledictions to themselves for all the world to hear. I don't think that, in a healthy mind, the past has such a power to automatically take over one's mood and even elicit a profane verbal utterance or physical gesture.
 

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I can definitely relate to you guys. The ruminations comes at the weirdest times...like today i'd be opening the fridge and some memory would come up of me saying something inappropriate or weird.
Yeah, that happens to me too. I lost my last relationship partly because of this. When the thoughts occur to me, it's like being hit by flying rocks. My response to myself is usually, WTF!? Why did I think about that? I don't ruminate about my really distant screwups though; really only the last two years' worth of them.

I'm usually able to redirect myself when I realize, for possibly the 50th time, there's nothing I can do to fix what happened.
 

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Yeah I do the exact same thing! That's actually what I'm going to therapy for mostly. I think some of my SA might be caused by that actually because I don't want to go out in public in case I say/do something stupid and then overthink it and criticize myself for it later. And I can't help thinking about the stupid things I do and then kicking myself for them over and over again.
 

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Yes, I do this too :( I dunno how to suppress them. This is definitely one thing that keeps me from taking any risks and thus getting stuck in the same rut.
 

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I do this all the time, it's one of my biggest problems. I keep trying to reminds myself that no one else cares or even remembers stupid things I said five or ten years ago, but it still keeps bothering me. I need ot find a way to get rid of this.
 

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I've been having issues with this over the past year, mainly when I'm by myself and am reflecting on all of the girls I've had crushes during that period and how I've failed. It's gotten better lately, though I still do it at least once a week. I'll be laying in my bed thinking, and suddenly I'll just go into a 5 second fit where my body twitches and different sounds escape from my mouth.
 

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When the past comes back to haunt me, which is quite often, I find myself saying "I want to kill myself!" over and over to myself. It's an automatic reaction when my mind won't shut the hell up. I can't escape myself and it's taking it's toll big time.
 

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Yes, this happens several times daily. I will be doing anything from cooking dinner, or showering, brushing my teeth, etc. and I something will pop into my head which will then remind me of an humiliating event in my past. The past event is remembered and relived vividly enough that it seems like I am at that very moment when it happened. I will get sick to my stomach, depressed, pissed-off. I will think of ways in which I should have handled the situation differently. It sucks. But, I have learned to quickly dispute the thought and tell myself that: 1. It's in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now. 2. What can I learn from that mistake? 3. Was it really that bad to begin with? 4. I am still alive, so it did not kill me so I can stand it. 5. I can believe otherwise as much as I want but the fact of the matter is I can choose to accept it, take any lessons that I want to gain from it (if need be), and forget about it. I really do have the choice to move on and be happy or content and not let a past thought (which is really nothing more than an inconvenience and inconsequential to my life as it stands today) tear me down emotionally. Learn to let these thoughts glide right by your consciousness and don't grab onto it and dwell on it. Easier said than done, I know. It takes persistent practice. The more times you are successful in doing this the easier it becomes and these occurrences will slowly but surely fade away. It's just a habit that can be broken and its one more important step on the road to recovery from SAD.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Wow, I had no idea this thread would generate this many replies! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Like you guys said, some of these memories are from a very long time ago. And it's so powerful when it hits that it feels like it just happened. Also, I think I use it to punish myself, like was also mentioned.

Oh, and I totally agree with the statement that it's a fine line between this and the people who walk down the street muttering profanities to themselves. When I lived in the city I would see people like that. Looking back...yea, it's a very fine line between that and what I do alone in my room.
 

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It is kind of nice when you realize that if any other person had lived your life, had your genetics, and everything else the same, they would have made the exact same mistakes or been picked on the exact same way.

How can anyone judge us, we judge anyone else, or even judge ourselves when that is true?
 

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When the past comes back to haunt me, which is quite often, I find myself saying "I want to kill myself!" over and over to myself. It's an automatic reaction when my mind won't shut the hell up. I can't escape myself and it's taking it's toll big time.
I'm like that too... the memories are so painful. I try to forget them, to block them out, to distract myself. Otherwise I start collapsing again.
 
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