Joined
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14 Posts
Now I'm back home I do feel really lonely. =/ I never really made friends at school (bar one guy, who now lives in Bristol) as I just couldn't get myself to open my mouth to speak to anyone. And the longer that went on (years), the more I felt I had to fulfill that non-speaking and non-interacting. I felt it would be such a shock to people if I was to suddenly start communicating with people, start being like them, that I just never really could bring myself to do so. So when I am back home I have *literally* no-one local to do anything with. My younger brother (15) is constantly having friends round and going into town and I just feel such a loser. And with people I know having had house contracts start from July 1st, and a halls contracts potentially for me starting from September 7th, it's gonna be a looooong time back home.
I was finally able to meet someone my age who lives in the same town (found him on the internet) and we had fun, spent 4 hours just chatting in the park. But when he was talking about places he used to go in town when he was in senior school, the groups of mates he had, the things he did at college, how he's made loads of friends at uni (he wasn't bragging or anything, this all just came up in general conversation), it made me feel really down about how I've had none of that. I just sit here at home wondering what have I done with my life? I know I have (hopefully) lots of years to live, but youth is supposed to be a time of happiness and fulfilment and having fun. For me it was just being an outcast and isolating myself further into a kind of cocoon in my room. The internet became some kind of outlay of desired sociality, devoid of any kind of proper human interaction and all the judgements and problems that I thought would obviously arise. I even blame that for my ridiculously short attention span now - I would be clickclickclickclickclick on websites in a gazillion browser windows/tabs and every minute I was reading or viewing something new - I now can't bare to even sit through a full tv show, let alone a movie because of the hours I would spend clickclickclick and developing this necessitating craving for constant changing of what I see through my eyes. And this gets worse in the summer because I have nothing to do - I just spend most of my days on my laptop doing nothing at all in particular.
(sorry this is a massive rant haha)
I was finally able to meet someone my age who lives in the same town (found him on the internet) and we had fun, spent 4 hours just chatting in the park. But when he was talking about places he used to go in town when he was in senior school, the groups of mates he had, the things he did at college, how he's made loads of friends at uni (he wasn't bragging or anything, this all just came up in general conversation), it made me feel really down about how I've had none of that. I just sit here at home wondering what have I done with my life? I know I have (hopefully) lots of years to live, but youth is supposed to be a time of happiness and fulfilment and having fun. For me it was just being an outcast and isolating myself further into a kind of cocoon in my room. The internet became some kind of outlay of desired sociality, devoid of any kind of proper human interaction and all the judgements and problems that I thought would obviously arise. I even blame that for my ridiculously short attention span now - I would be clickclickclickclickclick on websites in a gazillion browser windows/tabs and every minute I was reading or viewing something new - I now can't bare to even sit through a full tv show, let alone a movie because of the hours I would spend clickclickclick and developing this necessitating craving for constant changing of what I see through my eyes. And this gets worse in the summer because I have nothing to do - I just spend most of my days on my laptop doing nothing at all in particular.
(sorry this is a massive rant haha)