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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I so didn't want to post here again on this section I mean, It feels very depressing.

I have had problems getting close and intimate with him... and with anxiety problems it's hard for me to explain to him but regardless of the fact I've not explained it well he seems to understand. I feel pathetic because I've always been a cynical sort of person but I'm letting myself go to him and I feel like I'm falling in love with him. There was a time he went really distant with me for a while and he bought me at drink and sat me down and explained and said he's been really distant with me which isn't fair... I tried to argue that he hadn't been THAT distant and he said "how much have I texted you recently..?" Because generally he texts me throughout the day. So then we've been back on and he's been closer, much more close, and we've been happy again but I've been scared of getting hurt because he hurt me so much before and I told him this and I may have been slightly passive aggressive with him about it. He said he regrets it still and how can he show me I can trust him...

I've had a hard time getting intimate with him so we've not really but now he's realised why (I couldn't say it but he realised anyway). And my anxiety's kicked in pretty badly again lately and I keep feeling so stupid about everything and every way I've acted.

Lately I've noticed he's being distant again. And he wasn't replying to my messages last week but then when I saw him he said his phone charger had broken... and posted it on his facebook too, so I believe that's true. Considering what he said last time about being distant though I get scared. I do think I love him and I'm scared to death of losing him. We work together so I've seen him at work, just in passing because we work in different departments at the moment :( and he's been ok with me, when he see's me he'll hug me and hold me but he's not making plans at all.

I really need to see him. When I tried to make plans he didn't reply but his phone wasn't working properly so... He doesn't like how it's been awkward but he said and I said that it's just because we've not had much chance to see eachother lately so it's like we're starting again. I just wish he'd see me sometime soon. I talked to a friend who's had a serious relationship for a few years and she said that it happened after a while with them that he wasn't as available for a while and she thinks it's a normal thing that happens and we just have to work on it, that we get used to it being him making the effort. She also said (in her words) It might not sound nice but since he's just got his own place maybe he's been making alot more time for his friends and enjoying having his own place. She said she doesn't see her boyfriend for weeks and they're clearly still going strong.

So he told me a couple of days ago he got a new phone charger but I still haven't heard from him since then! ARgh! I'm going crazy. I want to message him now but I'm worried he won't reply and I'll get scared. It's not a nice feeling when he doesn't reply. Last weekend it was because he couldn't use his phone but if he can now then he should have got my messages now... I don't know. I'm sort of driving myself crazy, trying not to think about things I've been doing wrong until I can talk to him. I said I need to talk to him... maybe he's scared I mean about heavy stuff so's avoiding it. I just mean I want to spend time with him just talk, normally not "talk" in a serious way... it probably sounded like that though. Probably won't see him at work at all next week because we're on completely different shifts. It's not fair. But I told him my shifts the week after how I finish at seven (instead of stupid o clock at night) and he's like "oh,, I finish at six that week" If I can get through next week then.... can see eachother (hopefully) the week after... I think it sounded promising?

It comes down to my anxiety hitting hard again and me getting stupidly nervous... I think nerves can be contagious. That was extremely long and I'll most likely regret posting it... I tried to break the text up a bit at least, lol.

So... I don't know if his phone's actually working now and I'm scared to contact him. My battery just died. I think I'll leave it dead for a while.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I would rather take a break from my phone for a little while. He knows I've been upset he said he wants to make me happy and can't stand the thought of me being upset in any way. I tried to talk to him but he was being a bit touchy. I think we're both quite sensetive. And it's quite reassuring that it's not just me being touchy. If I get in touch with him I might still be uncertain. If he doesn't reply I won't know if he's just ignoring me or if his phone's still not working you know? So say he doesn't reply I'll be worried all the rest of the weekend. Won't see him next week much so I'll be worried all next week. Just before his phone broke I left him a message saying how I know things have been awkward because we've not seen eachother for a while but that can change and please just don't push me away again. When I saw him next breifly, I asked if I've done something, if something's wrong and he said don't be daft. And when I have seen him, briefly again, he's seemed affectionate. I'm trying to just think positively. I don't know what else to say if you know what I mean.
 

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Have you tried writing him a letter? I dated a girl who had some anxiety issues (wasn't social anxiety like us but anxiety none the less) and she also had a VERY hard time communicating certain issues she had. She actually would want a drink before telling me a few things so she could get the courage.

Anyways, when she wasn't comfortable talking I just told her to write it down then or text me. It can make it easy for you to tell him about yourself or whatever is going on and then you two can sit down and talk about it. I just don't reccomend having an entire conversation or discussion through text or letters alone because typed words can't express the same as in person and trying to work out issues through complete typing can lead to many misunderstanding and miscommunication which can lead to stick situations.

Good luck with it Delicate. The longer you wait the more it is going to eat at your soul. If you love him, let him know you don't want to lose him!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just keep getting sad.
He already knows I'm scared of losing him after last time and he told me he's not going anywhere. I need to see him in person properly, it's been a little too long, just to see him alone, our schedules don't mesh well at the moment. Argh it's so frustrating!!! I think I'll try and drop him a text tomorrow see if he replies. Probably get depressed about it too. I'm used to him initiating things so it makes me a bit paranoid that he doesn't want to see me. And I'm annoyed with work for putting us on completely different schedules I feel like they may have done it on purpose. It's hard for us to meet up so we used to after work. Since he said he's on til six that week I'm on til seven I was thinking maybe it'd be how it was before and we'll meet up more that week.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
His phone's working now but he's not getting in contact with me. I texted him last night and we texted for a little bit. But I don't know if I'm being paranoid but he's being different he's not being as sweet with me like he used to. I really miss him and it's driving me crazy. I feel like **** because after the last night we spent together and it didn't go anywhere and now he knows I don't have the experience I feel really stupid. And he hasn't got in contact with me, it's me having to make the effort, I don't mean that in a lazy way just I've got used to him being here all the time and now he's not. He didn't get in touch with me after that night and he didn't reply to the message I left him (but he'd been drinking with his mates all day.. and I left cos I was uncomfortable) so I texted him the next day saying "please don't shut me out again" "talk to me"... "I could do with your support"... **** like that... and he explained why he hadn't replied and I said it's not just now, in general you seem distant, he just went I know I feel it, I don't know why. (I know that he has his own, pretty heavy, issues which is why we had problems at the start... I think that should build a solid foundation though... maybe it's just the same problems he's got reoccuring...) I'm sort of lost.

The thing is I've been seeing him for months so he must've realised something was up that we hadn't... yet. (I feel like a child) He'd been ok with it and he'd still been with me and been affectionate and now I don't know what to do. I feel really depressed. But I think he doesn't like talking through text and I don't either, when we saw eachother in person everything was good he was being really sweet and affectionate so if it wasn't to do with the phone thing I'd be happy. It's just hard not seeing him so much. Not even talking. And when I told him my shifts next week he thought straight away "what am i working that week?". Does that seem like he wants to see me? My head's just going crazy at the moment. I feel stupid for texting him personal stuff I think he just doesn't want to talk through text or through phones because we keep talking about heavy stuff like that... I don't want to either.

It's just ARgh.. I'm scared to make things worse... he doesn't like that it's awkard at the moment so he's maybe avioding things because of that. But the less we see eachother the more awkward... god I really miss him. I don't know if I'll piss him off by texting him..? I haven't today or all weekend... just yesterday.

If I can get through this week... this week at work I clock in when he clocks out... :(... next week we're nearly on the same shift... I'm just getting nervous again. It sucks... another friend who doesn't see her bf alot said it got really awkward with them for a while and it's like you're just starting going out again... At least when I ran into him briefly last week it was nice, he'd hug me and just chat for a little bit... If next week things are still ****ed I don't ****ing know what to do!!! Should I just leave things be for a while? Or text him sometimes? i don't want to piss him off though.
 
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