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Awesome.
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not.. yet! I will be very soon though, and I'm super excited! (I never thought I'd see the day, by the way. I used to feel very strongly that I didn't need that piece of paper to validate my relationship.)

Anyway, what advice can you give me about being married? Any words of wisdom are welcome - anxiety-related or not! (I admit, I just posted under "coping" because it's one of the more popular boards!)

For me, marriage will also mean living with a significant other for the first time ever. Any advice about that is welcome as well - again, anxiety-related or not.

Thanks!
 

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Banned
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Congrats, but;

marriage will also mean living with a significant other for the first time ever.
:afr Can I ask why that is?
 

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God, Family, Homeland
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Congrats, but;

marriage will also mean living with a significant other for the first time ever.
:afr Can I ask why that is?
That's what marriage usually entails.

I cohabited once. Needless to say that it was a mistake. It's smarter in a lot ways to wait until marriage to live together. It's supposed to show more commitment to share lives than just signing a lease agreement.

It also makes sure you both get your finances together and sort out everything together. Otherwise it's like having two separate home lives under one roof.

The statistics also show this. Couples that cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce.
 

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Searching...
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Congratulations! :yay

 

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ΓΤΖΜ
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That's what marriage usually entails.

I cohabited once. Needless to say that it was a mistake. It's smarter in a lot ways to wait until marriage to live together. It's supposed to show more commitment to share lives than just signing a lease agreement.

It also makes sure you both get your finances together and sort out everything together. Otherwise it's like having two separate home lives under one roof.

The statistics also show this. Couples that cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce.
I was intrigued by your post so I searched online for sources. It appears that this view is actually mistaken. Previous research didn't take take into account the reasons that people move in together, eg they're poor, unexpected pregnancy etc.

So, isolating those variables, we return to the common sense view that whether a marriage is successful or not basically depends on the age at which the couple begin their cohabitation, not cohabitation itself.

See this for more details:
http://time.com/20386/how-shacking-up-before-marriage-affects-a-relationships-success/
 

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Moving Towards Destiny
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No. Never have been.
A wife would only learn to despise me and hate my guts and we would end up divorced like everyone else.
 

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No. Never have been.
A wife would only learn to despise me and hate my guts and we would end up divorced like everyone else.
ikr??

i've said this to people and they always come back with "only people with low self esteem or low self worth would believe that!"

i really don't think it's a self esteem issue - over time, most people just start getting sick of each other, and start creating problems, or things they dislike about the other person
 

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Stuck
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Congrats! Hope it goes well, can't really offer any advice sorry would be interesting to know how many other married people there are at SAS.
 

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Moving Towards Destiny
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ikr??

i've said this to people and they always come back with "only people with low self esteem or low self worth would believe that!"

i really don't think it's a self esteem issue - over time, most people just start getting sick of each other, and start creating problems, or things they dislike about the other person
That is right.
Even people with enormous egos like Hollywood actors and famous musicians get divorced all the time. They get sick of one another. Sad to say but true for the most part. I envy people who have been together for decades and still love one another but that is fairly rare.
 

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Never been married... but about the living together thing... I guess I would just recommend that you don't feel obligated to share finances or find other "couple friends", or procreate, lol.

You can each still have your own friends, finances, and life.
 

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My two points of advice.

First, while you are each individuals and need to look after yourselves, you can't be self absorbed. You now live for the purpose of the relationship first and yourself second. Note, I didn't say you live for your spouse, but the relationship; an important distinction.

Second, keep the lines of communication open and use them! When you find that you are censoring yourself or shutting down completely, you are going to have problems.

Best wishes on your marriage.
 

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Off the top of my head:

-Communicate, but with tact.
-Don't let pride motivate any decision or argument.
-Regard each other as equals.
-Be open to compromise.
-Consider emotionally-charged sarcasm the enemy.
-Be patient and perseverant.
-Expect the hard times, not just the good times.
-And I'll repeat the two most important things: communicate and leave the pride at the door.
 

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Awesome.
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
...over time, most people just start getting sick of each other, and start creating problems, or things they dislike about the other person
That is right.
Even people with enormous egos like Hollywood actors and famous musicians get divorced all the time. They get sick of one another. Sad to say but true for the most part. I envy people who have been together for decades and still love one another but that is fairly rare.
I think those are mainly people who go into marriage without thinking through the fact that people change - and that marriage will be work. It's not just all going to fall into place and last a lifetime without real effort on both people's parts.

It's always so lovely to see such narcissistic, rude, self-pitying cynicism on here when it wasn't asked for <3
I knew what I was getting into posting this here!
 

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Hi Miss Awesome - Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

I've been married for a long time and it has gotten better over time, mostly because we learned from the bumps along the way just how important it is to be open, respectful, supportive and well ..... loving. It was hard for me because of my SA (although I didn't know it was SA until fairly recently), and for my H because in his FOO you didn't express feelings. Does your H2B know about your SA?

Anyway, CrimeClub nailed it in the post above - if you can start off aiming at those rather than learning how important they are as you go along you'll be good. And oh yes, be kind and patient with yourself and your H when you do encounter a bump - they are inevitable in life, it's how we handle them that makes the difference. The videos Essemee linked make this point in a funny (yet ironically profound) way. Loved the advice not to go to the bathroom with the door open - very good advice!
 

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Alone and happy about it
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I've never been interested in getting married or having kids. I wouldn't mind a girlfriend, but I'm scared of emotional pain.
 

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Awesome.
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hi Miss Awesome - Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

I've been married for a long time and it has gotten better over time, mostly because we learned from the bumps along the way just how important it is to be open, respectful, supportive and well ..... loving. It was hard for me because of my SA (although I didn't know it was SA until fairly recently), and for my H because in his FOO you didn't express feelings. Does your H2B know about your SA?

Anyway, CrimeClub nailed it in the post above - if you can start off aiming at those rather than learning how important they are as you go along you'll be good. And oh yes, be kind and patient with yourself and your H when you do encounter a bump - they are inevitable in life, it's how we handle them that makes the difference. The videos Essemee linked make this point in a funny (yet ironically profound) way. Loved the advice not to go to the bathroom with the door open - very good advice!
Thanks for the congratulations and advice!

As weird as this is, especially with me using this web site, I don't think of myself as having SA. My main issue is that I have trouble making friends and connecting with people on a friendship-level. He knows that. He also knows that I'm not super social in general. We're not having a traditional ceremony right away, but he wants to have one later - and I told him he's going to have to fill the whole wedding party since I don't have anyone to include! I've thought about asking him if he's weirded out by my not having friends, but I know he's very aware of it and hasn't brought it up. That's not to say it won't come up at some point, but I'm not worried about it at this point. I know he's committed to being with me.

Sorry to ramble! Thanks again!
 

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Hi Again Miss Awesome - I didn't realize that you are not anxious about socializing but have trouble taking things further. Does this site help with that?

It's great that your H2B knows about this and it sounds to me like he's not overly concerned given you are getting married soon and he's okay with having a traditional ceremony later. That kind of support and the openess between you make for a solid foundation.

All the best for a lovely ceremony and we'll be watching to see if/when you change "Miss" to "Mrs" Awesome lol.
 
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