[Still Waters]

Yesterday I ran into someone I've always hoped to be friends with. It never really works into a friendship(because of my horrible social skills). The thing I noticed was that instead of feeling sad - I pretty much felt nothing. -Sort of like when the dentist gives you a shot to perform some work. - You do feel something in that particular area,but it is'nt pain. I realized I'm feeling this way more and more often. I never thought I'd say this,but I miss the intensity of feelings. That feeling that no one hurts as deeply as you do,that happiness that feels as if you've won the lottery.Euphoria that feels as if it will last forever! At first-I thought this is great-I'm maturing, developing more control over my feelings! On second thought I realized I'm without much feeling. - I keep hearing about "mellowing" as you age.- I'm wondering if it is'nt just numbing out. Just a gradual deadning until you become less like a person and more like a thing.

 

[downbutnotout]

I know what you mean. I think i am "numb" because i am cautious and defensive all the time. I never push myself towards potential success (to save myself from embarrassment) so i dont feel any "highs".

 

[Atticus]

That's really sad. Antidepressants make me feel like that--like my range of emotion is stinted. That's one of the many reasons I don't like them.

That's exactly my experience with antidepressants, and it's what I see in people I know who take them. Kind of a flat existence, which may be an OK thing if your lows were dangerously low, but mine aren't.

I don't know what to say Still Waters. That is sad, and for your sake I hope your adjusting to having a better perspective, or something. I can relate to feeling less intensity at times, but then something happens to remind me what strong feelings feel like. Any chance you've reached some sort of resignation with this particular situation, having hoped for something for some time and now believing it won't happen? That may not be so much a deadening as a realization?

 

[Still Waters]

Atticus-Maybe so,just a bunch of realizations piling up. Or is it giving up? I can't really tell. There is a sort of greying of life,I can't believe you have'nt felt it. You know-just move on to the next chore,book,meal,whatever. Maybe I should be relieved - I always longed to be less moody. Less dramatic,less ruled by every feeling that came along. Maybe I've finally gotten my wish. My mom was always on antideppresants and she has the personality of a lump of dirt. - It's like there's no actual person there anymore.

 

[Canadian Brotha]

I understand this idea of numbing as I've been trying to reach it I realized. I somehow thought if I could remain & without to much emotion I could manage in life. Now I realize that I need to learn to feel again but I'm very much afraid of really letting my emotions out

 

[Scrub-Zero]

I am numb.

 

[nightwalker]

I'm numb because of my dissociation and depression.. i know exactly how you feel. and i'm even planning on taking antidepressants soon but i'm afraid it'll make me more numb.. making me literally dead.

 

[Dreamer'sHideaway]

^^ Dissociation for me as well. I've made myself switch schools so many times in the last 5 years that anyone I meet for a few months is out of my life after I leave. Which is in some ways how it goes for many people, but then when I think back I feel "did I ever even go to that school? Why does it feel like that was another life?". Often for me its more about feeling disconnected/dissociated that it is numb.

 

[Thresher V]

For me it's almost like they are a ghost to me. I know who they are and perhaps they know me, but unfortunately I feel whatever relationship we had is long since gone and we're different people now. Things won't ever be the same and trying to pretend they are will only result in feeling like a failure for trying. Now I just give them a nod or a small wave and we go about our business. Every once in awhile I might talk with one and get to feeling nostalgic for the old days...

 

[tremelo]

yeah, i think i have gotten progressively more 'numb' over the years. i make a lot more 'snap judgments' on people instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt. i used to be overly trusting and have gotten burned too many times.

also, to the people i do let in, i tend to get attached fairly quickly. the minute i sense any sort of rejection or distance brewing in the relationship, i will retreat or 'shut off' my feeling pretty quickly (sometimes even prematurely).