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Making No Apologies
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Due to our low self-esteem, are we more likely to get into abusive/unhealthy relationships? This goes for friendships, marriages, or just dating.

I tend to get into crappy friendships with ppl because I am so scared of being alone. Romantic relationships are hard for me to start and if something is in the works it usually falls apart before the first date. But I will still talk to them even though I know they aren't good people.

Do you think that we are more willing to settle for less because our low self-esteem has tricked us into believing we can't do any better? And do we hold on tighter when we finally have someone's attention for fear of losing them? Do we try too hard to please?

Just wondering what everyone thought....
 

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Shauna The Dead
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I think so in some cases but not necessarily because of low self esteem. I guess that sort of goes along with it sometimes but I think mainly we attract losers like that because we are quiet and they think because if that, they can control us and do whatever they want. But I proved my dumbass ex husband wrong in leaving/divorcing him.
 

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Starlight and moonbeams
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I don't think so. My friend is one of the most outgoing people I know, has no anxiety about anything at all. And she was married to an incredibly abusive man for years.

It probably depends on the circumstances. You're just as likely to meet someone who's not abusive as someone who is abusive.
 

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unashamed perv
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I think people with low self-esteem are at higher risk, yes. But you can have SA without having poor self esteem - didn't someone post a self-esteem test/quiz recently? I feel the urge to go and do one...

Back on topic, my first relationship wa sa complicated, co-dependent, abusive one, but I sure as h*** won't be putting up with that s*** ever again!
 

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I don't really know actually.. I lost a lot of my friends because I was to shy to call them so they stopped calling me.. As for a love relationship, I have only had two boyfriends in my life. The first one cheated on me so I left him. I really didn't have feelings for him so it was easy. But my current boyfriend, I doubt he would do such a thing. I don't think he would ever abuse me in any way, but if he did, I refuse to stay with someone like that. I know I have low self-esteem most of the time but I rather be alone than to be with someone who abuses me.
 

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Making No Apologies
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I've tended to be drawn toward people with problems that overshadow my own, I believe because I otherwise wouldn't feel "good enough."
Ditto,thats exactly what I do. I also tend to want to fix ppl. I think it has alot to do with my childhood too, not just SA. The last guy I remotely had anything to do with was an alcoholic, speedballing junkie who was emotionally abusive to me. Yea....

Anyways, I know not all of us with SA do this and get into these sorts of relationships, but I wanted to see how common it was.
 

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Done with SA
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Yes, but I think it's more about low self esteem that really makes people more likely to get, be, and stay in those types of relationships.

If you don't feel good about yourself, don't respect yourself, have a low opinion of yourself, don't take yourself seriously, and a lot of other things, people will take advantage of you and you'll let them. A lot of abusers look for this and when they have it, they don't let go and because these people think it might be the only person they can get or that they deserve the treatment, they go ahead and let it continue.
 

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Yes, but I think it's more about low self esteem that really makes people more likely to get, be, and stay in those types of relationships.

If you don't feel good about yourself, don't respect yourself, have a low opinion of yourself, don't take yourself seriously, and a lot of other things, people will take advantage of you and you'll let them. A lot of abusers look for this and when they have it, they don't let go and because these people think it might be the only person they can get or that they deserve the treatment, they go ahead and let it continue.
Very well put. I have experienced a couple of abusive relationships and I agree.
 

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Banned
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I think people with SA might be prone, statistically, to be in or stay in relationships that aren't working well for them, whether not working means abusive, neglectful, irresponsible, or whatever. A common thread among most posters here is a difficulty in forming relationships, so a "this is better than nothing" attitude seems more likely than it would for people who are confident that the next relationship is around the corner.
 

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I definitely wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. I might have anxiety around a person, but if they start being a jerk to me I'm outta there. I generally stay away from critical people anyway.
 

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I agree.........100%

After what happened to me tonight with my boyfriend I believe the correlation is there. My boyfriend and I were at his friends house tonight and there were some people there I didn't know so I was uncomfortable in the situation but I tried to make small talk but it got harder as the night went along. Someone asked me a question and I answered them and my boyfriend says "oh my god she speaks" with a real demeaning attitude. I felt so stupid and belittled. I gently asked him not to say those things or comments and he started getting mad at me so I walked away.

I walked down the driveway and he followed and grabbed me by the arm and asked me where I was going and I said for a walk. He yelled some stuff that I am crazy and nuts and then he turned around and spit in my face. I was so humiliated. He took me to get my car which was parked in front of his house. He yelled some more which makes me even worse and more upset and then spits in my face two more times. I said I was going to call the cops and I turned away to walk towards my car he came from behind and pushed me to the ground really hard. I have never ever been in a relationship like this and my boyfriend is trying to convince me that all of this is my fault because I don't talk much. He was drinking and I believe he has a problem with it but he does not. I am done being abused by men verbally, emotionally and physically.

Sorry for the rant but this just happened about an hour ago and I am in shock. I do believe there is a connection because the other person can easily control someone how has SA....well in my case anyway. I want nothing to do with this guy ever again our relationship is over.
 

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I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year and have been used in the past by 2 other guys. A lot of it is me craving attention. The rest is not being able to get away from the abuse because of various reasons that normal people think are stupid.
 

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I member
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I have the "better than nothing" attitude unfortunately. My first ex threatened to kill me and told me I should kill myself numerous times and countless other things.. but..I still wanted to hold onto him. The RSO was pretty bad too.. I'll never forget the last phone call I had with him. The guy that ditched me over the internet for no reason was acting really abusive towards his mom when I was there. I guess I should enjoy being single, like my friends keep telling me.
 

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Due to our low self-esteem, are we more likely to get into abusive/unhealthy relationships? This goes for friendships, marriages, or just dating.

I tend to get into crappy friendships with ppl because I am so scared of being alone. Romantic relationships are hard for me to start and if something is in the works it usually falls apart before the first date. But I will still talk to them even though I know they aren't good people.

Do you think that we are more willing to settle for less because our low self-esteem has tricked us into believing we can't do any better? And do we hold on tighter when we finally have someone's attention for fear of losing them? Do we try too hard to please?

Just wondering what everyone thought....
Social Anxiety =/= Low Self-Esteem

You have SA because of the crappy relationships; you don't have crappy relationships because of SA.
(Cause before effect, not effect before cause.)

Stop letting others make you feel guilty for their bad behavior. I had to learn that the hard way, it's THEM, not me. Everyone's responsible for their own actions.
 
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