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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK, let me say that among my circle of friends, I am the most extroverted and outspoken among them. Most of them are quieter than myself. And when I am around them for the most part I feel fine. It is when I am out in public alone, I feel a lot of tension. I try to relax and be myself, but can't. I feel like something inside me is coming out and gripping me tight. Almost like a stage fright or something because my mind just goes blank and I get very tense.

My biggest issue right now is talking to women. I could never approach a girl in public or in the mall or store or whatever who I find attractive. This is why I am stuck with online dating, and most of the girls on those sites just want to waste time, exchanging emails back and forth and as soon as I suggest meeting up or getting together, they stop answering me. I have had quite a few serious relationships in the past and really only one that was genuine which lasted two years. That ended six years ago and girls have been with since then have ether taken advantage of me or found someone else they liked better soon enough. I started reading a few things online about approaching women in public places and it all makes perfect sense to me, but as soon as I see someone and make an attempt to do it, I literally tense up and get all anxious and my mind literally goes blank and I am frozen, stuck.

I discovered about two years ago that if I drank enough, it would go away and I would have no problem approaching someone. But then it got to the point where I would be smashed and literally make a fool out of myself. The key then was to have one or two beers and then try to break the ice before getting entirely drunk. But I am also reading now that as this becomes a practice, it takes more each time to dispel the social anxiety.

This past Friday, 4th of July, I was at a bar by myself seeing who was around, all my friends are either married or in serious relationships at this point. One seat away from me were these two girls who looked about my age (late 20s), sitting and talking. The one sitting closer to me I know turned around and took a quick look at me more than once. I wanted to say hi but just couldn't get the word out. Because at the same time all these crazy thoughts are filling my head: Will she laugh at me? Will she call me a freak and cause a scene? Will she do something to embarrass me? And it is completely irrational because right now, sitting here at the computer as I type this in the dead of night, I know in my right mind I would naturally say "how are you doing?" or something casual to that degree, but I literally choke when I am there. I was only about a beer or two in. Then they got up and left, and I left not long after.

I went into a different bar that was too crowded and there are always a lot more males than females in bars. People tell me I am very good-looking, but I never make that much of a fuss over getting dressed, especially in the summer when I wear a tee shirt, shorts and flip-flops. I see a bunch of guys who I think I am naturally better looking than them, but they are probably better dressed, wearing all the brand names and stuff, being very materialistic. And the girls are all dressed nice too, so that is yet another thing that enters my mind as I am there. I never cared about that kind of stuff.

Another time about a month ago, I was driving and stopped at a red light. There was a pretty girl in the car in the lane next to me, and she caught me checking her out. She looked at me and gave me a thumbs up, but then the light turned green and we both drove off. This is how I know how irrational it is.

I had a very bad childhood. My social life was crap, I was the fat kid everyone bullied, teased, picked on, beat up, you name it. Kept switching schools because I would lose my temper too easily and was too disruptive. When I hit 13, I started losing weight and by the time I was 15 I was literally slender, lean, people today would not have a clue that I was ever fat or even stocky. I had no real friends until after high school and started to meet people outside of my hometown, where I thankfully no longer live and would never ever return for many reasons. I actually hate the area and avoid it like the plague, only going there when visiting my parents who I wish would move. I had kind of a funny upbringing and it has all impacted on me.

I have been going to counseling for a year now, and as much as I am finding myself able to finally let go of all the negative energy that has held me down, I am also consciously attempting to avoid certain social situations that may trigger it. I know I have depression and spent too much time self-medicating with alcohol to combat that. But there is also this other thing inside me that is making me tense whenever I meet new people. I am trying to conquer it, but finding it very very hard. It's a physical thing, the shaking, coughing, tensing up, mind going blank etc. I want this gone but don't know how to do it. I want to be able to be at ease talking to women and strangers without being completely intoxicated. Can someone please help me?

P.S. I know this is a lot for a first post. Just trying to tell my story and give the nature of the problem as much as possible.
 

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suh dude
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Whew, that is alot lol. I can relate to being open around people once feeling comfortable, but not when around strangers. I hope this forum can help you reach your goals, welcome :)

You're a good writer btw
 

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Welcome, TensionRiddenOne! :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you. I have been told many times I am a good writer, should have probably gotten a degree in journalism or something. Hopefully there is some sort of solution to this.
 
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