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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’ll try to keep this short since I know people hate reading long post :b. Anyway a large part of my S.A. is due in part to my strange, dysfunctional upbringing. My parents/sister keep me on a very tight leash even though I’m older. I was always told that friends were a bad influence and that people only really need family. I was told and am still told repeatedly that I am too naive/ stupid to make any right decisions in people and they feel that they have to make that choice for me to protect me. Instead of protecting me, I think they’ve screwed me up royally! They say I am weak-spirited and people take advantage over me. I could never have friends over and could never do anything with them. Basically on house arrest and then I got pretty much used to that and I can’t shake off that mind-set and now I am scared to do anything because I think I am always doing something bad. I can make friends somewhat but I can never keep them because I think it’s bad to hang out with them.

My sister is the worst but I still love her and she’s my best friend as weird as that sounds. She constantly breaks me down, ridicules my character, and even calls me psychotic over and over again. She tries to tell my parents “be careful of the quiet ones”. My mom was always working and my dad away on trip so she practically raised me (only two years older than me) and has full control of everything I do and it only gets worse as I get older. We have a very dysfunctional relationship and fight on a daily basis.
 

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I'll try to keep this short since I know people hate reading long post :b. Anyway a large part of my S.A. is due in part to my strange, dysfunctional upbringing. My parents/sister keep me on a very tight leash even though I'm older. I was always told that friends were a bad influence and that people only really need family. I was told and am still told repeatedly that I am too naive/ stupid to make any right decisions in people and they feel that they have to make that choice for me to protect me. Instead of protecting me, I think they've screwed me up royally! They say I am weak-spirited and people take advantage over me. I could never have friends over and could never do anything with them. Basically on house arrest and then I got pretty much used to that and I can't shake off that mind-set and now I am scared to do anything because I think I am always doing something bad. I can make friends somewhat but I can never keep them because I think it's bad to hang out with them.

My sister is the worst but I still love her and she's my best friend as weird as that sounds. She constantly breaks me down, ridicules my character, and even calls me psychotic over and over again. She tries to tell my parents "be careful of the quiet ones". My mom was always working and my dad away on trip so she practically raised me (only two years older than me) and has full control of everything I do and it only gets worse as I get older. We have a very dysfunctional relationship and fight on a daily basis.
Isn't it odd how much your parents and siblings opinions and beliefs influence you as a kid and remain with you the rest of your life. Its like they lay the groundwork for a very limited mental box that you will be trapped in for the rest of your life. I feel for you my sister was much the same. I think she is just very insecure and see's you as a threat in some odd way and wants to have power over you.

Lets see I had a very aloof and alcoholic dad, a very naive but good hearted and well-meaning mom, and a jealous domineering older sister (who is now a pretty decent person, she was a monster back then though.) I have a brother and another sister as well. My oldest sister was the domineering one and she would always leave me out or games and make fun of me and try to mess with me psychologically. So I played by myself most of the time. She was smart as hell and knew exactly how to screw with me. I also could never speak my opinions without her criticizing them, which I think has led to me being quiet. My dad would rarely talk to me and he never once had a man to man talk with me. I also really disliked how he would treat my mom. He would make negative comments about my friends which would influence the way I thought of them. (I was like 5-9 years old or so) I respected him back then and so his opinions really mattered to me. I was raised in a very fire and brimstone environment where I thought I was doomed to hell which has given me one hell of a guilt complex and anxiety complex which has stayed with me just transformed throughout the years. I used to stay up for hours contemplating how evil I was and thinking I was going to spend all eternity in hell. I think this has played a big role in who I am today.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Isn't it odd how much your parents and siblings opinions and beliefs influence you as a kid and remain with you the rest of your life. Its like they lay the groundwork for a very limited mental box that you will be trapped in for the rest of your life. I feel for you my sister was much the same. I think she is just very insecure and see's you as a threat in some odd way and wants to have power over you.

Lets see I had a very aloof and alcoholic dad, a very naive but good hearted and well-meaning mom, and a jealous domineering older sister (who is now a pretty decent person, she was a monster back then though.) I have a brother and another sister as well. My oldest sister was the domineering one and she would always leave me out or games and make fun of me and try to mess with me psychologically. So I played by myself most of the time. She was smart as hell and knew exactly how to screw with me. I also could never speak my opinions without her criticizing them, which I think has led to me being quiet. My dad would rarely talk to me and he never once had a man to man talk with me. I also really disliked how he would treat my mom. He would make negative comments about my friends which would influence the way I thought of them. (I was like 5-9 years old or so) I respected him back then and so his opinions really mattered to me. I was raised in a very fire and brimstone environment where I thought I was doomed to hell which has given me one hell of a guilt complex and anxiety complex which has stayed with me just transformed throughout the years. I used to stay up for hours contemplating how evil I was and thinking I was going to spend all eternity in hell. I think this has played a big role in who I am today.
Thanks for sharing that omnium. I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's so strange that you also have a very controlling and overbearing sister. The people we grow up with really have a huge influence on us. The kinds of mental abuse I had to endure as a kid and teen have stayed with me to this day and I can't escape the mental trap they've created for me. I believe every word they say to me and I take it to heart. My sister felt that she really was the mom of the house since my parents both worked a lot. She used that to her advantage even though she saw that as helping me. Kids shouldn't raise kids. I also feel the constant guilt. When you say you felt like you were doomed to hell.. was it because of your parents were very religious and you were rebellious?
 

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Isn't it odd how much your parents and siblings opinions and beliefs influence you as a kid and remain with you the rest of your life. Its like they lay the groundwork for a very limited mental box that you will be trapped in for the rest of your life. I feel for you my sister was much the same. I think she is just very insecure and see's you as a threat in some odd way and wants to have power over you.

Lets see I had a very aloof and alcoholic dad, a very naive but good hearted and well-meaning mom, and a jealous domineering older sister (who is now a pretty decent person, she was a monster back then though.) I have a brother and another sister as well. My oldest sister was the domineering one and she would always leave me out or games and make fun of me and try to mess with me psychologically. So I played by myself most of the time. She was smart as hell and knew exactly how to screw with me. I also could never speak my opinions without her criticizing them, which I think has led to me being quiet. My dad would rarely talk to me and he never once had a man to man talk with me. I also really disliked how he would treat my mom. He would make negative comments about my friends which would influence the way I thought of them. (I was like 5-9 years old or so) I respected him back then and so his opinions really mattered to me. I was raised in a very fire and brimstone environment where I thought I was doomed to hell which has given me one hell of a guilt complex and anxiety complex which has stayed with me just transformed throughout the years. I used to stay up for hours contemplating how evil I was and thinking I was going to spend all eternity in hell. I think this has played a big role in who I am today.
Sounds very much like my upbringing only without the religion. It's amazing how sometimes having a full family living at home can be more detrimental than living in a single parent environment. My stepdad had a serious drinking problem as well. He was very abusive to me and my mom. Though he did knock me down a few times, his main thing with me was verbal and mental abuse. He was fond of telling me how I wouldn't amount to anything. Im not saying he didn't try to work with me as a parent, but because I was more of a creative artsy kind of guy instead of a sports fan type personality like him and my half-brother, he kind of rejected me and stopped trying to reach out to me in my pre-teens. He also wasn't very sociable and he didn't have alot of friends visit and that got passed on to me and my brother though my bro doesn't suffer from SA but he's gotten more anti-social as he's gotten older and resembles my dad more and more in image and personality with his own family. My mom wasn't perfect either but at least she encouraged the family more but her main evils were her ego, materialism and outspokenness. She was the opposite of my dad in personality but only slightly less toxic when we were kids. So of course, together my parents were like oil and water, always arguing and disagreeing.

Though I don't have any kids, I'm afraid that it will get passed onto my brother's kids because I see a few similar patterns in his family.
 

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My parent's were too overprotective esp my father. They didn't want me to associate with any bad influences. They usually found fault with everyone and would keep me away from them. I wasn't allowed to go to any of my classmates house. I had to be on the bus and home everyday. The only people I was allowed to associate were the ones that lived in the village we lived in. I never had a car until I was 18, and it was my dads'. When I started to drive I couldn't even drive to the basketball game or football game. He had to take me and drop me off. I wasn't allowed to be a normal teen. Also, my dad didn't really want people dropping in to visit even relatives. He also kept me and my brother away from his parent's until I was 11 years old. My grandfather died when I was 14 so I never got to really know him. I also never got to know any cousins, or other relatives.
 

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Add me to this dysfunctional family club.

My dad was, well is an alcoholic abusive. And my mum who is a generally good natured, and family orientated person, was too afraid of him, and of breaking up the family to do anything for herself. Yet the culture of our extended family was strict and hardworking but loving and doing anything for their children. So I was in confusion, everything my extended family thought me, could never be applied in my own house because of the chaotic nature of my father. When he wasn't drunk he would adhere to strict, hardworking but loving mindset but when he was drunk, he'd be absolutely the opposite. One second he'd tell me not associate with certain types, the next he'd be associating with them himself and let me do it as well.

And the way my parents acted with their friends, what their friends did when my parents needed help, what my mother told me about my father's friends definitely had an impact on my own view on the whole nature of friendship. My father was constantly fighting with his friends and family when he was drunk, very few of his friends offered any sort of help to get him to stop drinking, even though they knew his behaviour when he was drunk, many of them even encouraged his drinking full well knowing he was an alcoholic, my mother told me that many of them stayed in our house for free, got drunk with my father, had a gay ole time, and left when we needed help. This made me think that this was the nature of friendship, and has contributed to my trust issues.

My family was pretty strict when it came to the friends I could have as well. But I think if I had stuck with the friends they chose for me, when I was younger I probably would have been better off. Instead I chose to befriend anti-social people as a form of rebellion against what was going on at home, and to show the extended family that something needed to be done to help my father. I also did this because I could not relate to people with normal parents, their lives seemed too easy, unreal to me, like they were living in utopia. It all backfired on me because these so called friends turned out to be wankers, and the behaviour I had learnt from my new friends made me alienate myself from my extended family.

My cousins who also had a strict upbringing (their upbringing was alot more stricter than mine, most of them were only allowed to see friends their parents chose, and spent most of their childhood studying and socialized mostly with other family members) but without the chaos of an alcoholic turned out to very social types, with university diplomas and high paying jobs.The ones who let our capitalist society influence them too much, and ignored their upbringing in their adulthood are the ones struggling with uni because they drink and go clubbing too much. So I have to say having a strict upbringing/culture probably was not the main factor for my SA, infact I think it would have been good for me. Having a alcoholic father is the biggest factor.
 

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Hellosunshine, your family sounds exactly like mine! My mum was always working, my dad was always on business trips, and I was raised by my angry and at times cruel older sister. (though now that we're older we get along really well...it's quite strange.)

I think in some ways, since my sister became my parent figure instead of my *actual* parents, that my version of teenage rebellion was trying to be different from her. And because she was the typical rebellious teen, always going out, arguing with the parents, had lots of friends etc., I became the quiet introverted one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hellosunshine, your family sounds exactly like mine! My mum was always working, my dad was always on business trips, and I was raised by my angry and at times cruel older sister. (though now that we're older we get along really well...it's quite strange.)

I think in some ways, since my sister became my parent figure instead of my *actual* parents, that my version of teenage rebellion was trying to be different from her. And because she was the typical rebellious teen, always going out, arguing with the parents, had lots of friends etc., I became the quiet introverted one.
I also find it so weird that my sister and I are best friends now even though she still exerts a huge level of control over my life. A lot of times siblings who raise their younger sisters/brothers take advantage of their mom/dad asks them to do. In my case, nobody told my sister to oversee me, she just took the liberty. Unlike you, she tried to make me exactly like her (she's really quiet, while I was more outgoing) with these stupid made up rules. Now we are pretty much alike and I'm probably now worse than her. She would never let me rebel or yet alone do anything else. Kids should not raise kids. My parents were so hands-off as well.
 

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I was raised by parents who had no social skills & no friends. What a shock how I turned out.
 

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^ me too in a way.

My father was in the Navy, so away a lot..my mum did a great job with myself and my brother (younger) as we were both quite a handful for one.

But....my mum has always been mega over protective to the point i didn't do anything..and also she didn't have friends and socialize so i never saw that.
My father never really talks to us...he can give lectures or tell you what you've done wrong and seemed to think that constantly picking on me and making fun of me all through me teenage years was the way to bring up adaughter.

Also as sociable as my father seems to be talking to neighbours - he's never had friends he contacts and does stuff with.....

So no, it's no surprise that i turned out like this......full of self hatred and loathing, massively distrustful of everyone and no idea how to make/do friendships.

My bother got lucky....a guess being a boy - my mum's influence wasn't as damaging (ie he never started periods - had to deal with stuff like body hair issues etc that girls do - and which my mother to this day never mentions as though they don't exist)
Plus my father never really picked on him the same...and he's just not as sensitive and emotional......

It all sucks really :um
 
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