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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I live a pretty solitary existance, staying at home a LOT of the time. At the moment the only people I talk to semi-daily would be my parents, who live just a walk away from here in their own house. I had friends once about 6 years ago. But after moving a few states away, a lot of stuff happened and everybody moved away etc. Of course I stay online pretty much all day, finding things to read up on, or programming, or drawing, something to keep me busy and occupied you know? Lately, I've been staying up at night and sleeping through the day and when I woke today...things just felt meaningless in a way.

I just didn't feel much at all, and life just seemed like one long repeditive process. There wasn't much food around my place here and I didn't eat much either. I don't usually have days like this, but I often feel this way around my parents. Like an actor, I just play along, nod in the right places and nobody worries or gets angry. After going to their house to get some dinner, I walked back here and finally started to cry some.

I watched the Twilight Zone as I ate. I was about a guy who found that his world was suddenly all on a set, with a camera rolling, and a director giving him orders. His wife was a complete failure of a human being, only wanting his money. At the end he goes back to the set that was his office, sits in his chair and leans forward and says "don't leave me here....don't leave me here....". And suddenly, the blank picture frames on his desk are filled with the images of his wife and daughter and his office once again has 4 walls.

After going so long without real friends I can visit every day, it's just...exhausting to feel any sembalence of normal around people. I've talked online with some people who apparently have everything super great in their life - relationships etc. It just...crushes me and sooner or later I completely stop talking to them because of that pain. They can't understand my situation and I just don't know how to make my life right again.

I know that I need people in my life...but it's never been easy for me to just fire up a conversation with anyone I don't know. I started talking to myself recently. I know, the mark of craziness right? Nah, it's actually helped me in some ways. I talk to myself in the manner that a friend would, out loud as well, because something about thinking verbally....can get really jacked up when it's all in your head.

Read a few topics around the forum here and I'm finding a lot more of those "hey I can relate to that!" moments. I guess just needed to "say" something today....rather than keep it all in as per the usual. Starting to feel a lil more human now that I got some food in my tummy. Does anyone else have periods of apathy or numbness with isolation? How long does it last? What did you do about it?
 

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How long does it last? How about life long.

So numb. Do you ever feel like doing something a little extreme to shake the monotony out of life? Like join the army? Run away out of state? I've been thinking about things like that lately.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Do you ever feel like doing something a little extreme to shake the monotony out of life?
I have at different times in my life. I got drunk by myself once just to see what it felt like. Another time I wanted to throw away some things ppl would consider childish. When I was around 19, I got really pissed off at my step dad and wanted to drive off to Colorado because I friend I had then said he loved it there (ironically I live there now, except with parents lol).

About a year and a half ago, I tried moving in with a friend I'd known over the net and talked to on the phone for a couple years. It was a good experience overall. Before that I was living with my granny, stuck in my room all day, having panic attacks, depression and everything else. So, that move was the first time I ever lived away from relatives, so compared to "the usual" you could say it was extreme in a way. While living there with my friend I did a couple of things he considered "risky". Such as helping a raccoon get out of a dumpster by tying a plastic bag on the side lol. I also went jogging at night in the summer, it was quiet and peaceful.

As for the army.....I don't really like people barking commands at me, so not quite my thing. If you have an online friend that needs a roomate or is willing to let you stay over for a couple weeks, it might be worth it if you know them really well.

Being stuck in one place all the time is what causes the numbness though...least that's my theory. Emotions are supposed to help you make decisions about stuff that matters. I guess it's hard to have faith in the world when everything starts being the same everyday...and you stop "emoting".
 
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