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Silly Willy
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My Mum and I can relate because she too has SA and is very sensitive (although not quite as much as me).

If I do something completely regrettable, it is normally regrettable because it made my Mum upset. I care for her feelings more than my own, but if I told her that, she might not believe me because of how angry I get with her.

If I make my Mum upset I feel the most horrible guilt. I would feel horrible hurting anybody, but it always tends to be my Mum.

An example is the time I got caught shoplifting last year. I was so upset, not because I was going to get into trouble myself, but because I was going to ruin everybody's day and disappoint Mum.

My Mum and my step-dad were really pleased with my effort at some volunteer tree planting event earlier that day, everybody was happy and things were going really well until Mr. Policeman showed up.

He walked with me back to my car and before we reached the car park, mum came around the corner looking for me. I was crying and I wanted to die.

_____

Though the worst situation was last Friday night. My Mum and I tend to have a relatively normal conversation and then we begin to fight about some useless crap because I start to feel really depressed about what she's saying. The word 'abuse' continued to show up, and I really wish it didn't. I brought it up a few times, the fact that she 'abuses' me. By that I mean verbally, of course, although it isn't true.

The only reason I classed her "well you can't get a job if you... blah" or whatever as abusive is because it made me feel like crap, although she wants the best for me.

I just said it one too many times. "... and then you just abuse me," or something of the sort. Than my Mum covered her face and I could see that she was beginning to cry. Then I felt like killing myself. Not that I ever could kill myself, my life just seems to have no real value if I make somebody upset.

My heart woke up as I realised I'd done something stupid, and I immediately (though not audibly) started to cry, and I told Mum that I was going to cut myself.

I'd never cut myself before. But I went into the kitchen and got this massive knife and took it to my room. I was planning on cutting my legs, not wrists (I couldn't do that without vomiting). I slid the knife up and down my leg but it not once went into my skin. I couldn't do it as much as I thought I deserved it.

My Mum and I made up later that night, so everything is alright now (to some extent).

I constantly feel guilt for anything and everything. Not only for my Mum; these were simply the most significant examples. Every little thing I do. It's really horrible.

I never say "Oh, I'm sorry, " or anything, I just give myself crap and feel terrible.

What can I do?
 
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