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Dealing with the anxiety was one of the hardest things I've had to endure. It took a lot of bad decisions and hard lessons to get to where I am mentally now, which is still far from matured and some of the drugs I've done defiantly have not helped. I couldn't figure out if it was just me or if it was all in my head and I believe people saw that because both are negative thoughts and your eyes never lie. You hope its all in your head because that means your just crazy, which is true because the amount of time you sit thinking about your current situation is self destructive. You sit there and you can feel everyone's eyes staring at you and their judgments run wild which in turn drives you crazy because for some strange reason you care what "people" think. Though, I've come to realize that those piercing eye's and the all so important opinions that people have don't mean anything because they are usually gathered with limited information or gossip. It took along time for me to realize that all those people that I wanted to be or envied because I would hear about the cool things they would do were just normal people with the same fears of acceptance and they are walking the same road as I am, though everyone has a different situation they must endure we all in some way have to deal with problems and situations that affect us both mentally and physically. I would sit and think about how everyone else has it better then me and how it isn't fair and why I was born the way I am. These questions would haunt me and I would wish I was anyone but me.

About 3 years ago I found my-self standing over ridge on a steep mountain in the cascades while I was skiing, this ridge is a good 100 foot drop into some trees then some jagged rocks. Quick easy death plus I would get to enjoy the fall and clean mountain air before I'd hit. That week was particularly bad and I was standing over this ridge wanting to truly die. I spent 2 hours or so sitting there and smoking weed trying to give my self a reason to live and I couldn't come up with one. So I jumped and as I was falling I was never happier in my life, it was finally over. Well, as you have probably guessed I lived. I hit a huge 20 or so foot snow drift and sunk up to my neck, I partially tore my right and left ACL's and hurt my back and left shoulders. I didn't go to the doctor and now I can't have my knee's bent for long periods of time and my shoulders pops and causes pain when I rotate it, my back healed fine. The fact I missed the rock face by about 5 feet and the trees by mere feet pissed me off, I was actually mad that I couldn't kill my self I should of jumped head first instead of skiing off. Hundreds of people have fallen off that ridge and only a few have survived and the survivors were either paralyzed or considerably ****ed up. Now that I can look back and think on it, I'm glad that I was spared from my stupid decision, I have come to the conclusion that I was a *****. I was little ***** who wanted the easy way out because I couldn't control my feelings. After that incident I will never try to take my own life again, I just have to see how it all ends.

About 1 year ago when I was 20 I had a fight with my dad and some strong words were exchanged, at the time I wanted to smash his face in but instead I decided I needed to get away, so I went into Seattle and signed on a fishing boat for 4 months as a bait boy. There I met a Mexican named Jesus who was there dodging the court system and keeping his family fed. Before I met him I was racist person who referred to black people as ******s and Mexicans as ****** and what ever racist named I had in my vast vocabulary. I'm pretty sure my racist attitude was just a cover for my anxiety because it made me feel better when I talked down on others and talking down on someones race is easy because you don't have to know the person to make fun of them. Anyways Jesus was the only person I really connected with on the boat and he taught me the most important lesson in life and that was the fundamental respect that we should have for our fellow man. It doesn't matter what you have done or what you stand for, you don't have to respect the person and what hes done, but respect the fact he/she is a human being and acknowledge there right to live by what they think is right. I know that sounds like something you should of learned when you were a kid, but then again I'm a slow learner. After I came back I was changed and I knew that I had to do something, have a goal to work towards. Even more importantly I had to figure out how to respect myself. My anxiety was still there but I had a more screw you attitude towards its because I was tired of being controlled. With 15,000 in my pocket I decided i should go back to school so I can have a career. Since I did bad in High school i would have to go to a technical school. I knew I had to get away so I packed up my things and left all my friends and moved far away to attend school. I was able to get a loan and used the money from fishing to get a apt and pay a little in tuition.

This is getting lengthy so i'll wrap it up.

I've been in school for 4 months now and still have another 18 to go. My grades are good(94%GPA) and I'm learning lots about engines and electricity. My anxiety is the lowest its ever been, i feel depressed only a couple days a week at most now instead of every minute of everyday and when i get depressed i can usually get my self out of it. Life is good and I can't wait to see what path I take next. The only thing I can say is you just got to hang in there life can always be worst and plus why feel like **** when you don't have to?
 

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Hey, sorry if your post disappeared for awhile the new mod....me had to move some spam out of the way. Now I know how to move post around. Yours is back up. I had things all moved around.
 
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