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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
"afraid" doesn't even really do it justice. mentally, it feels impossible for me to talk honestly about my problems with others. even if I want to talk to someone about something and make plans to do so, when it comes down to it I'll just avoid it and not say anything. I always just tell everyone I'm "fine" and everything is going "fine," even at times when that's the furthest thing from true. sometimes I hear myself saying it and I just think, why are you lying like this? what's wrong with you? but even though I know the behavior is unhealthy, I can't seem to change it.

I've thought about it quite a bit and determined that there's a lot of factors at play. part of it definitely is not wanting to appear weak or vulnerable. part of it is not wanting to burden others or say things that make them uncomfortable or upset. part of it may also be that I can't help but feel that talking can't ever really solve anything, so what's the point? I do feel lonely at times and wish I had someone to talk to, but I also feel that even if I did it would only be a temporary relief and really wouldn't make things better, and the person likely wouldn't understand anyway which may just leave me feeling worse.

like, the other day I decided I was going to talk to my doctor about my anxiety/depression at my upcoming appointment and maybe even try to start seeing a psychologist, but I waffled almost immediately. I feel like I can't even discuss my health with my own doctor! it's definitely not shyness in this case, I don't know what it is. maybe fear that I'll try a new therapy and it won't work and I'll feel even worse after that than before I started?

it's like this with all aspects of my life though, not just my mental health issues. I can't openly discuss any relationship issues I'm having or even let someone know if they've done something to bother me because I don't want to hurt others by doing so. I'm even like this about physical health problems (which I don't have many of, thank god, because I'd probably be dead by now). I had an ulcer a few years ago and for some reason, rather than seeing a doc, for a while I just tried to minimize and hide the symptoms from others and figured it would get better. it was only when I got to the point that I was throwing up everything I ate that I finally told my parents I had a problem and needed help.

I really don't know why I do this. well, I understand some of what's behind it, but I don't know how it's become so severe and crippling. and it really is crippling. it makes me feel more detached from other people than I already do. and it makes all of my relationships feel very shallow and unfulfilling, because it prevents me from being honest with other people. I feel like this is probably a pretty common thing among SA sufferers, but I'm not sure. can anyone relate?
 

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Yes, I can completely relate - I can't physically say what bothers me, I can't put it into words to speak it out loud. Last year I went to the college councilor and I would get the bare minimum out to her. At one stage I told her I was very low and she had me keep a mood diary. without the mood diary she would not have known I was self harming and had suicide ideation....although because I knew she was to see it I didn't write it was more than ideation! Anyway things only went up from there and this year she is going to try and get me talking as she says I will feel better sayings these things outloud.....I don't know though!!!
 

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Pobody's Nerfect
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Its extremely difficult to share your inner most thoughts with anyone for that matter but disclosing that you have sa is terrifying for me. I think most definately you be viewed from a different perspective after telling someone. I wish I had the guts to share what im feeling but its hard and unnerving. If I choose to seek professional help it would be out of complete desperation and it would probably not help me in the long run. I can relate with you on the same level.
 

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First of all, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I can relate. However, recently I have opened up to some of the important people in my life about my anxiety - my mom, brother, and husband. It took a couple major events for me to discuss it with my family. I'm very open with my husband so he knew - we jokingly have "therapy sessions" where I discuss my problems. I also took the step of making an appt with my doctor to discuss anxiety. My husband went with me because I was afraid of breaking down in tears and not being able to talk so at least he could fill in while the doctor stared blankly (I ended up being fine and was able to communicate). If you haven't already, make an appt specifically to discuss the anxiety that way you can't back out. If your doctor's office is like mine, they will input the reason for the visit too when the appt is made.

I've been going to therapy for a month but I already feel like she doesn't understand me and like you said that "just talking" isn't helping. We've barely scratched the surface of my inner psyche. My husband felt this would be the case - who knows you better than yourself type of thing - and he was right. So I feel your frustration there. Therapy hasn't been all that helpful for me. But you won't know if it can help you until you try it. However, medication has been beneficial so make the appt with your MD.

I also have a hard time confronting people or telling them how they've hurt me. And I had ulcer-like stomach pain last year. Turned out not to be an actual ulcer. I still don't really know what it was. I'm guessing we both keep a lot in even though they say ulcers aren't necessarily caused by stress.

Hope this helped somewhat. :)
 

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I wouldn't say 'afraid' exactly, but I just don't want to talk to people about my problems. Not only will it make them worry, but it won't help me in any way to talk about my problems. And trying to express my problems in words is itself a stressful thing. I've always kept my problems to myself and learned to deal with them (or be defeated by them) on my own. Talking to people about my problems doesn't even register as a possibility most of the time because my brain just isn't in that mode.
 

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I only find it helpful with only my Father, and Absolute Best friend(s). Other than very personally close with family or friends no-one else should no or even have the right to know, because those people do not care and there not the solution.
 

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I know exactly how you feel! I've never told a single soul my problems. I've had an SA for 6 years now and its pretty much taken over my entire life and I'm only a Junior in high school. I started hating myself and wanting to die when I was 10 and developed an eating disorder at 14, but I never showed any weakness. I know I need help, but I feel as if I'd rather die than anyone, even a therapist, because then they'd know how weak I really am. And just the thought of my family knowing about it makes me physically sick :/
 

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Yes, I am. I don't want other people to know what's going on inside my mind, because it might seem too weird, strange, unusual and way too far out of their "normal" world perception routine. I've had to change Doctors because of that, I don't feel comfortable sharing with people I don't trust.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks to everyone for responding. I'm sorry to hear others are having problems like this too, but of course it's always good to know you're not alone so I really appreciate the responses.

I think I am going to talk to my doctor about it as a matter of practice/exposure in being more open and admitting my problems. I'm still ambivalent about the prospect of therapy and treatment, though. while part of me feels like it would be great to have someone to talk to and a little more support, I still question whether it will really help me, and if, in fact, talking about and dissecting my problems regularly will only make it worse. and I'm not really open to taking medication (although maybe I should be)...

it's funny, because for a long time I actually prided myself on not needing to vent my problems to others and instead dealing with them myself and being self-sufficient in that way. now I wonder if it's actually making things worse. although, I guess it can't be that uncommon...I know a lot of people (SA or not) who have trouble admitting their problems and weaknesses.
 

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Introverted T-Shirt Ninja
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I always just tell everyone I'm "fine" and everything is going "fine," even at times when that's the furthest thing from true.
Strangely familiar behaviour...
One day after my mother had a myocardial infarction (heart attack) and was in the hospital; I obviously was a bit shocked, worried and whatnot, that day I happened to go hang out with a friend (it would at least clean my mind a bit), first thing he says:
"Dude, how are you?"
Answer:
"Fine, as always."

I'm like this with every thing, from little things (e.g. being offended by some casual remark) to reasonably important things (e.g. the example on the paragraph above)

But then I can always justify this behaviour with "I'm a manly man. I grew learning that talking about issues doesn't solve anything.", girls don't have that kind of luck. :teeth
 
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