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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello :| Ummm, I am actually really nervous just writing this, and I have no idea if I'm even doing it the correct way, lol?? I am not used to forums...

Firstly, I would like to say it is amazing to me to read other people's experiences on this site & realize I am not so 'alone'...It is almost like hearing my own voice at times :) So, thankyou for that :)

I have had SA for what feels like forever, more so since I was about 13yr and started highschool not knowing a single person there...I am very shy, struggle with any social interaction, panic when the phone rings, struggle to make eye contact, hold my breath, fumble over words, feel stupid, etc, to the point where I have become like a prisoner in my own home...I had my first child very young, after falling for the first guy who ever looked at me, could not believe someone was interested in me, lol, and, I guess, looking back, my first thought when I fell pregnant was, 'Well, at least I can stay at home now & hide...' Not a good reaction, I know...

Fast forward a few years, I am now a sole parent of three, and I still battle with this every moment of the day...In fact, it has actually gotten alot worse, to the point where I had to get help, as I was severely depressed & could barely function at all...Now I can - just - get the kids to school, maybe attend my counselling sessions, perhaps answer the phone, maybe do grocery shopping...on a good day. Alot of other days, I am wracked with guilt over not being a good enough parent...I cannot do parent help at their school (have tried, ran out panicked & in tears), cannot help out in canteen, just standing there waiting for them to come out of class is excruciating most days, I am so terrible at small talk, so I must just seem like a snob :( Any social invitations fill me with dread, I usually make up any excuse in the book not to go, avoidance at all costs...Or stick it out choking back the panic the entire time before running out...The idea of holding down a job - as much as I wish I could - is just overwhelming & impossible...

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I know how debilitating this 'thing' is, how it can control your whole life...How you are continually ruminating over every little thing you may have said or done, so self-critical and so self-conscious...So frustrated, so helpless...I have hidden behind my own front door, telling my kids to be quiet just because I was too afraid to open the door & see people...(I am not proud of my example to my children here :eek:( ) Little rituals...I have this way of hanging out the towels first, just so I then have a border to hide behind when I hang out the washing - afraid to talk to the neighbours over the fence...It gets ridiculous, the lengths I will go to avoid the social interaction thanks to the anxiety...

I am getting off track here...I'm sorry, I just thought maybe I would say hi, maybe someone out there can relate to my little story? I personally don't know anyone who has SA to this degree (I have been suicidal & hospitalised before because of it)...I have tried various different meds, with little success, am in therapy constantly... After a few years of it, you tend to get very disillusioned...

Honestly, if it wasn't for my kids, I am sure I would just stay here at home & never go out again...That would bring 'relief', but probably not happiness, I know...

Thankyou for reading :|
 

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I'm glad that you're taking steps to improve things.

A few of your comments really related to me- that people might think you're a "snob" because you don't socialize... I get that alot. They don't realize that you actually can't make that step towards socializing, not that you don't want to... the opposite of snob.

I even resorted to self-abuse as a way to let out the stress after a failed attempt at conversation or speaking in class. Thankfully that's not a huge problem anymore.

Hope the counseling works out for you, but remember to take small steps in real life.

Oh, and congratulations on posting, and welcome!
 

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Nowhere Man
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Don't be afraid, we're all here to help.

:hug


It might be a little creepy to pat you on the head but I couldn't find the hugging emoticon so this will have to do. :p

Welcome :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thankyou Mallard :) Yes, it is terrible being thought of as a snob, especially when that's the last thing you want to be seen as, lol! And hey, I can relate to the self-harm thing...Have been there when I was suicidal - not fun - and have battled with eating disorders for years, too - which my therapist calls self-harm aswell? I'm glad you managed to overcome that side of things :)

And thankyou Rixy :) How cute is your 'pat on the head' thing? I have alot to learn on here, lol ...

Much gratitude for your replies :)
 

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Hey wishiwasinvisible welcome. :)
 

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Welcome, WishIWasInvisible! :)
 
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