[wiselittleracoon]

Ok,here I go.I hope everything comes out right.I'm just going to spill it out and let everyone decide.I don't know if this is an addiction,disorder,or part of SA.
I fear I can't trust myself around men.I fear in the right situation I will give it up just becuase they want me too.I would not be glad if I did.Why would I do that when I'm happy with my man and my son.The SA keeps this from happening.My soon to be husband knows about this new realization.I don't know if this is the reason for my SA.Maybe its part of it.My man doesn't have friends over because for one thing he doesn't trust any man,and he knows he can't trust me.
Its a horrible realization.I go from thinking thats just the way it is,to trying to take it back and deny it becuase I can't handle the thought that I would actually reck my family for nothing.Am I just bad?God I hope not.I still have the rest of my life to live.Whats that going to be like?Am i just going to hurt and leave behind more people I love as soon as I get alittle confidence back and am able to be around people again?!Maybe I don't want the SA to go away.Sorry about the rant and the spelling.

 

[wiselittleracoon]

I can't afford therapy.I just thought this would be something I should talk about,and I'm not very good at expressing the best way to say stuff.To answer my own question,I think its just the SA keeping me from thinking I can have a fufilling future. I am a good person.I am in a new phase of my life and the things I did in my past don't make me who I am today with or without the anxiety.When those whatif thoughts come into my head again I will try to remember this.Thanks anyways.lol.God I feel so stupid!!!!

 

[wiselittleracoon]

actually I take that back.My past may have helped worsen the SA.Ok,I am done talking to myself on the computer.I can do that anytime.

 

[fridays child]

Hey, don't feel stupid for trying to express yourself. With SA we're so quick to devalue our thoughts & emotions, with attacking thoughts of "who cares" or "what difference will it make anyway". Alot of times just getting the thoughts out of our heads and escaping ourselves can offer so much relief, and we need to use every chance at relief that comes our way. I feel badly that you're feeling so bad, and confused, and I'm sorry I don't have insight to offer you on your situation. If I would guess at something, it might be just how good it feels to be wanted, no matter what comes packaged with that feeling. Or sometimes it's like we sabotage ourselves, to mess up something we don't feel we deserve. Maybe try to prepare yourself before you think you will be in a situation that is too tempting. SA sufferers are great at avoiding...and this is one time avoidance is a good thing ! Somehow tell yourself these truths: "I want better than this, I need better than this, and I deserve better than this." I hope you hang in there.