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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all... new to the forum, but hoping to get some advice from your perspective.

About a year and a half ago, I met a girl online. We talked a lot and slowly but surely I realized this girl was becoming very important to me -- my best friend even. She lived many states away however, so it was just a "safe" relationship for a while... but over time we started talking about meeting and gradually I came to realize that I was no longer thinking about other girls, dating or doing much else other than growing my relationship with this girl.

As we got to know each other, I learned she had an anxiety disorder of some type -- I believe SAD. From reading here and other places I'm not sure of the severity, but it's definitely there and definitely makes it challenging talking on the phone or talking about serious relationship type issues. She worries about saying something embarrassing, and relives conversations in her mind all the time. I myself can relate a little having grown up with a slight disability of my own that's improved over time... however it caused me to be less interested in being super social and I actually find myself very attracted to this girl who is so smart, intelligent and beautiful yet, like me, doesn't need to constantly be surrounded by social highs all the time.

In any case, we'd planned to meet up this summer as I'm taking a business related trip nearby to where she lives. Coincidentally some things came up in her own life where she has far less free time now and other additional stresses to cope with that make her making the trip up to meet much more difficult. She presented this to me in a way that made it sound like she no longer wanted to meet at all... at first I was confused and a little angry... but after pressing a little bit it became clear she was assuming that as she withdrew I'd leave her like everyone else had in the past. I assured her this was not the case, but as I mentioned before it's a lot of work for her to share her feelings and thoughts on this stuff so it ends up being me sharing my feelings a lot and trying to understand what's going on in her head.

I'm ready to move forward with her, and to do this we definitely need to meet at some point. She's told me she's still interested, and at this point I have to assume she's just a bit scared of the possibility of us meeting, and either us getting along and forcing her to make some tough decisions or possibly even me not being interested and rejecting her. I can't control what my heart wants though, and I told her that eventually I'm just going to show up at her doorstep if that's what it takes... didn't get a response on that one. :)

So what I'm asking of you guys, is maybe a little insight into your minds. Put yourself in her place... with most any other girl I'd totally show up and romantically ask her out to dinner in person... however I'm worried that this could seriously backfire on someone with anxiety... on the other hand, if I try and include her in making plans, I don't think she'll ever be able to commit to something, much less talk about it. The distance definitely makes things tough.

I'm wrestling right now between planning to just show up and see what happens during my trip, or trying to get her to plan something with me for later with the fallback of showing up on my own accord....

In short, I feel like she needs and maybe even wants to be pushed a little bit, it's just how far to go with that that I'm unsure of.

Can any of you advise me on how you'd want to be treated in a situation like this? I realize everyone's different, but I really wish I could climb into her head a little bit.
 

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Like you said, everyone is different, so I don't know if my advice is going to be helpful or not...

But I had a similar situation going on with a guy I met over the internet.
He wanted to meet and I was afraid too. After a while he said he was just going to show up at my doorstep.
This freaked me out so much that I broke off all contact. :|
I still regret it a bit, but I know I wouldn't have been able to handle him showing up, without giving me time to prepare for it mentally and without giving me any choice.

What I would suggest is this: make plans with her to be together, as well as plans of what you could do alone if you get there. Let her know about those plan and tell her that you would really like to see her but that you will make plans for when she doesn't feel up to it. That way you might be relieving the pressure on her, making her feel like she has a choice. That will probably make her much more comfortable with the though of you guys meeting.

But that's just my two cents.. :roll
 

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You know how sometimes people write out their feelings to each other in letters or whatver cuz it's easier to get **** straight that way?-well, I suggest you show her the post you made along with the responses, just so she can understand how you feel about her-that you are trying to be attentive to her hesitations, fears regarding her SAD , but that regardless of all that, you still want to be w/her.
 

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I suggest you show her the post you made along with the responses, just so she can understand how you feel about her-that you are trying to be attentive to her hesitations, fears regarding her SAD , but that regardless of all that, you still want to be w/her.
I think this is wonderful advice.
 

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have you talked to her about how she feels about you? i think if i were her and i were having even the SLIGHTEST doubts about feelings, i would have trouble with the idea of really meeting up. she might be afraid that things will be different when you actually meet from what she thought they would be, and that she won't know how to deal with that.

if she lives in an area where you could go to like museums or parks or something on your own, maybe you could let her know that you have plans by yourself as well (as someone else suggested) to relieve some of the pressure.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for your responses. Very helpful.

She actually does know how I feel... I've definitely articulated myself via email pretty well. Don't want to overwhelm her though. :) And I know she feels the same about me, and does want to meet... I just think perhaps the idea of it is a little overwhelming when it comes down to being so soon that it seems real.

In any case, the exact thing I want to avoid is showing up and freaking her out, so I appreciate the first hand story there... I will be patient and try and get concrete plans set up instead of forcing things.

Thanks again for sharing... and if any of you out there have a guy like me interested in you, be sure to let down your wall a little bit every now and then just for them. It means a lot. :)
 

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Man, I hope it really works out for you.

Being a guy, I don't have much advice except that I'd feel much better with constant reassurance. If someone were visiting, they'd call often so I wouldn't have any time to worry over it. Something like that, so I don't imagine someone coming up to the door who is different from the real person.
 

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Man, I hope it really works out for you.

Being a guy, I don't have much advice except that I'd feel much better with constant reassurance. If someone were visiting, they'd call often so I wouldn't have any time to worry over it. Something like that, so I don't imagine someone coming up to the door who is different from the real person.
the only issue with this is that she might need space. try to reassure her without smothering her or pressuring her. make sure she feels like she always has a choice, and that she knows she doesn't have to feel a certain way to keep you as a friend.
 

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the only issue with this is that she might need space. try to reassure her without smothering her or pressuring her. make sure she feels like she always has a choice, and that she knows she doesn't have to feel a certain way to keep you as a friend.
I sorta meant that, just plain reassurance without worry. Not "Hey, I'm a mile away, get ready for me!" kind of thing. That'd creep me out, even if it was a hot girl saying it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yeah, it is a bit of a balance... some reassurance is certainly needed as she'll misread things I'm doing to mean unintented things (I guess this can happen with anyone really), but I've found that every now and then asking her about things I've done or said and making sure she didn't take something the wrong way has been pretty helpful.

Slow and steady seems to be the key here. :)

Thanks again you guys.
 
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