Joined
·
20 Posts
This is me jumping in the deep end of the pool - head first. I've never been in a forum like this before and it's a little daunting, putting my illness right out there for everyone to see. It's taken many years to reach the point where I understand - in my head at least (if not in my heart) - that mental illness is illness: not something to be ashamed of.
So here I am. I don't know what the protocol is here other than to say hi to whoever is reading this. I'm here for a reason. Even among people who I can probably rely upon to understand I'm filled with anxiety about anyone actually responding to what I write here. A response means (at least in MY mind) that I have to respond - you know, try to carry on a conversation. Nothing fills me with dread more than the pressure of having to keep up a conversation. Under pressure I can never think of anything to say that doesn't sound (to me) completely self-absorbed and/or phony. I'm so busy thinking about what you might think of me that I can't seem to find a spare thought for you. I'd love to feel relaxed enough to think about the people around me - that can be one of my goals here.
My name is Todd by the way. All that's in my profile. There were lots of personal questions about dating status, body type, etc. there and I'm not sure exactly what that's all about - are we trolling for pickups here? :no I'm going to try to not fall into that trap right now ('cause that's one of the safety zones I retreat to over and over again - an easy place to lose my own identity and no favor to me or to my partners).
I don't know what more to write just now. I'm just going to read what others have to say here and see what happens next. Thanks to whoever set this up. And I'm off...
So here I am. I don't know what the protocol is here other than to say hi to whoever is reading this. I'm here for a reason. Even among people who I can probably rely upon to understand I'm filled with anxiety about anyone actually responding to what I write here. A response means (at least in MY mind) that I have to respond - you know, try to carry on a conversation. Nothing fills me with dread more than the pressure of having to keep up a conversation. Under pressure I can never think of anything to say that doesn't sound (to me) completely self-absorbed and/or phony. I'm so busy thinking about what you might think of me that I can't seem to find a spare thought for you. I'd love to feel relaxed enough to think about the people around me - that can be one of my goals here.
My name is Todd by the way. All that's in my profile. There were lots of personal questions about dating status, body type, etc. there and I'm not sure exactly what that's all about - are we trolling for pickups here? :no I'm going to try to not fall into that trap right now ('cause that's one of the safety zones I retreat to over and over again - an easy place to lose my own identity and no favor to me or to my partners).
I don't know what more to write just now. I'm just going to read what others have to say here and see what happens next. Thanks to whoever set this up. And I'm off...
