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one stop away
1,454 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just realized something about myself....I always think that close connections will get me through my SA and it's not true.

For me, just forming a connection with people was never enough. Don't get me wrong, I love finding people I can connect with. I LOVE it. But for the longest time I thought that if I found somebody who understood me on a deeper level and could help me help myself out of SA/depression, everything would suddenly fall into place. But it's not the case. No matter how much I want to believe it, it's not true.

I have a boyfriend right now, I've been dating him for nearly a year. He used to be socially anxious, awkward, depressed, and generally mentally unstable but somehow he managed to pull through it all and now leads a very stable, content, and even happy life. He's been where I am now, and he's gotten out of it. And he wants to help me help myself get through it. Just knowing that makes him seem like the perfect significant other for someone with SA, doesn't it? And he is wonderful, don't get me wrong. I love him to death and I never want to leave him.

But he can't cure me. The relationship--no matter how close it gets, can't cure me of this. I have to take steps to help myself get through it. He can only help me to a point. After that I have to try to help myself get self-esteem--which is the core of my problems, really. I hate myself. I have since elementary school. And it's the hardest thing in the world to try to undo that. He supports me when we're together, and tries to break through my self loathing but even he can't get me to like myself. I don't even think I can do that on my own at this point--I just don't have the resources to help myself (no money for therapy right now, sadly).

I always wanted someone to save me, to give my life purpose and meaning because adopting someone else's style is so much easier than learning to be all right with my own (or even finding out what my own style is). Nobody can though--no matter how many friendships I make, none of my friends can make me like myself. God, I hate that. I hate that realization so much. I want to be able to make a friend and just strive to be that friend. But I can't. I want to make something of this realization but all it makes me feel right now is depressed. I know I asked this in another post but I'm going to ask it again: what can I do to help myself like myself, what can I do to start understanding and tolerating who I am?

Anyway, I appreciate it if you read this, it was longer than I intended.
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