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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The ironic part is that's not entirely sarcastic. Mostly I have low self-esteem, but somewhere deep down I honestly think I'm better than pretty much everyone else. I recognize that no one else agrees, however, and that puts me at a stalemate with society. Value is all about supply and demand. If what you've got isn't selling, I guess that means it's not worth anything, right? Kind of puts us awkwardly at the mercy of others, doesn't it? History is speckled with cute little cases of people who were actually right, but no one else realized it until after they were dead. They're celebrated as heroes now, but during their own time they were laughed at and ridiculed. What a wonderful world we live in.

There's always a decision you have to make every time you meet a new group of people. Do you wear that socially acceptable mask? Stay positive, avoid controversy, focus on other people's needs instead of your own, etc., or do you go in guns blazing, hoping they will accept you for who you are, or deliberately self-sabotaging? Most people would probably recommend the middle ground. That balanced approach is always best, isn't it? I have no patience for that. I'm yin, or I'm yang. Pretty straight forward. I've come to a point in my life where I already know why everything is going to fail before it even begins, so I'm just trolling the universe without really intending to. Why bother giving people gold when they can't tell the difference anyways?

Reading over what I've written, it appears the conclusion to be drawn is that I'm an obviously bitter, pessimistic, socially anxious narcissist. I won't argue with that. No matter what I write you're going to get the wrong impression, so why not start with low expectations?
 

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Welcome, CrackleFire! :)
 

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There is no balanced approach, it's a matter of are you emotionally balanced
Wearing masks is just a matter of not feeling comfortable with the situation, and going with "all our glory" is going with your current emotional, which may give a bad impression because of the "lack of sense" it makes to people, they don't know of our baggage, they don't know/care why I woke up bad today. If you define yourself as your feelings others would do the same because the lack of constant changes that are the nature of our feelings, it's a matter of being healthy.
Yin exists because of yang and visa versa, they are one, we are the whole of it, it's about what's closer to our default.

Sup ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I appreciate the well thought out response, Umpalumpa. Wearing a mask for me is not about feeling uncomfortable in the situation. I wear masks to make other people comfortable, because they are like small animals, and easily frightened by change. What makes me comfortable is expressing myself as I am, but that is generally a waste of time, because others can't comprehend it. That's not entirely their fault, either. The universe is poorly designed if you have communication, or fulfillment in mind. Words are but a fraction of a thought. The amount of time and effort required to even begin developing a rapport with someone is exhausting. To make that investment blindly in everyone I meet would be ridiculous. Many people don't have to worry about that. They are either voluntarily, or involuntarily shallow. For one reason or another, they have, perhaps wisely, invested themselves in distracting their mind rather than developing it. I made the opposite choice, and as a hermit, have spent my whole life developing my mind. Unfortunately, being the only one interested in that process, that means I have a whole language and universe unto myself, and sharing it is one hell of a chore. So, I wear a mask, because trying to be the complicated weirdo I am simply doesn't compute. There is no cute t-shirt that sums up my personality, no hair style, career, or hobbies that suit me well. The only way to understand me is by making a deliberate attempt to do so, and suffering through the early miscommunication, and failures. I used to hold out hope that would happen, but I do not continue to hold such high hopes, and have become far more skeptical, and pessimistic. Instead of energetically trying to begin every conversation with lesson 1, and reach out to everyone I meet, I've grown unsatisfyingly used to simply telling people what they obviously want to hear until they seem to think we're bonding, when in reality I'm kind of dying a little bit inside.

Your yin and yang comment was nice, but the issue is not with who I am, but how I can express myself. On the inside I am beautiful, balanced, and compassionate. On the outside I am frustrated, extreme, and kind of a jerk.
 

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most of the time narcissistic qualities when relative to anxiety are the delusions polar opposite to low self esteem, it's a pretty common coping mechanism that combats your feelings of vulnerability or exposure/inferiority when anxious. Middle ground between those extremes is who you really are. Welcome to SAS

Stay trong OP
 

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I can relate to the OP. I pretty much live my life by evaluating everyone else and then acting accordingly trying to please them. In effect, I am never being myself and I am actually being someone different with every person I know/meet. This becomes a real problem in larger groups because I suddenly don't know which version of me I should be and thus I totally retreat into myself becoming 'Mr no personality'. No one will ever get to know me this way but I can't change.

It is incredibly frustrating as the real me is also a beautiful person with a lot to give, but I cannot express the real me to anyone else.
 

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Words, art, emotion, music and so on are languages, you send pieces of information to the world and the world shifts accordingly, based on where does IT feels comfortable to stay, all the languages at the end says the same thing, if its quantum physics or if its religion.
What is communication? What purpose would you want to use it for?
When we try to make others comfortable, we aren't comfortable ourselves.

Thank you for your well thought post.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
most of the time narcissistic qualities when relative to anxiety are the delusions polar opposite to low self esteem, it's a pretty common coping mechanism that combats your feelings of vulnerability or exposure/inferiority when anxious. Middle ground between those extremes is who you really are. Welcome to SAS

Stay trong OP
That's a very astute and accurate observation. We should avoid assuming that just because an action, or behavior can be explained, that the explanation is the only thing necessary to understand it in totality. You're absolutely right. I do shift back and forth between extremes of ego and insecurity in order to protect my true, vulnerable self. I also genuinely believe the things I'm saying, including but not limited to the fact that I am brilliant, and will never be understood by anyone else. Mostly because they don't care to take the time.

I can relate to the OP. I pretty much live my life by evaluating everyone else and then acting accordingly trying to please them. In effect, I am never being myself and I am actually being someone different with every person I know/meet. This becomes a real problem in larger groups because I suddenly don't know which version of me I should be and thus I totally retreat into myself becoming 'Mr no personality'. No one will ever get to know me this way but I can't change.

It is incredibly frustrating as the real me is also a beautiful person with a lot to give, but I cannot express the real me to anyone else.
I'm sorry you are also suffering from this circumstance, my friend. It is difficult to operate from such a beautiful, and simple principle, such as service to others. Especially when they require you to define it in terms each of them understands individually. It's easy for them to misunderstand your intentions as specific, instead of general. I will be whoever, or whatever I need to be to love others, but that often leads to them thinking that I am being fake. There's a difference between inauthentic and flexible. For people like us, the compassion is our true identity, but compassion has no inherent form. It takes its form as it fills someone else's void.

Words, art, emotion, music and so on are languages, you send pieces of information to the world and the world shifts accordingly, based on where does IT feels comfortable to stay, all the languages at the end says the same thing, if its quantum physics or if its religion.
What is communication? What purpose would you want to use it for?
When we try to make others comfortable, we aren't comfortable ourselves.

Thank you for your well thought post.
You're a beautiful poet. I can tell that you are working your thoughts out as you speak them, and that's wonderful. I hope that you tap into those talents as a creative artist. Sometimes the way we express a thought can be just as, if not more beautiful than the thought itself. Sometimes beauty is more important than truth. Would you agree?
 

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If a person thinks that he is a shoe, and everybody else tells him he is not, what does it change to him? His believes are his road to his existence in the world that is his mind. Truth in the highest perception of it is recognition of beauty or just seeing things as they are.

Thank you for your compliments!!

Again asking what do you look for in communication/expressing yourself :)
Of course you don't have to answer!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
If a person thinks that he is a shoe, and everybody else tells him he is not, what does it change to him? His believes are his road to his existence in the world that is his mind. Truth in the highest perception of it is recognition of beauty or just seeing things as they are.

Thank you for your compliments!!

Again asking what do you look for in communication/expressing yourself :)
Of course you don't have to answer!
I think the most important thing for a guy like me when communicating with someone, is a commitment to understanding one another. It's a long-term investment, but it's such a disgusting waste to spend hours talking to someone, thinking you're developing a foundation for a deep friendship, only to lose that investment when you realize they're not really interested. I just don't want to start the process unless it's going to be worth my time, and energy.
 

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I think a lot of it is about finding a person that is right for you, other people are looking for the same thing and many of them are taking the act for it as well.
Of course you don't want a deep friendship/relationship with just every person right?
For me, when I don't feel comfortable I'm trying to make other people happy, just like I'm shutting down, and it is just exhausting.
Now I'm just trying to be myself with the good parts of me AND the bad, but what is it being myself? Is it returning to my essence? In a way yes, but I think that there is more to it, I'm trying to feel more, to understand my feelings more, to accept, love, forgive to myself, when I'm angry to express my anger, after all it is just an emotion, anger is not what we see on television - this uncontrollable anger.
and when you express it, it goes as it came.
I want it to be as simple as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
No, I certainly don't want a deep friendship/relationship with just anybody, but it would be nice to find at least one person.

It sounds to me like you are very abstract and spiritual with your philosophies. I would warn you against being so abstract that there is no practical application for those ideas outside of your own world. It's nice to aim for a surreal and perfect peace of mind, but my attempts to do that failed, and it resulted in me becoming completely useless to society. Maybe you'll do a better job, but please try to keep in mind that it is easier to be happy when you are simple, and extremely complex ideas are not necessary to be happy. Happiness comes from your faith that the next thing you do will lead to something better. Complexity, in my experience, often has the opposite effect. It makes it harder to be happy, because your desires are more difficult to satisfy.
 

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Completely useless to society? What do you mean!
Everyone is getting happiness in different ways ;)
Yes, I want it to be as simple as possible, it's so hard to explain something simple but it's so easy to explain something complex ha?

Sorry if I sounded too abstract
 

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It's actually scary how much this post related to me. I think to a degree I'm more or less the same. However I've never had it laid down like that to me before nor have I said it out loud.
 

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What would of become of all those beautiful minds if they were not so much into verbal masturbation, self-pity etc.? Lets say they were suddenly thrown into deep, dark dry wells with no chance of self-expression, any outer source of distraction.
I'll answer that question pretty soon so sad no one will know it : )
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Completely useless to society? What do you mean!
Everyone is getting happiness in different ways ;)
Yes, I want it to be as simple as possible, it's so hard to explain something simple but it's so easy to explain something complex ha?

Sorry if I sounded too abstract
I was not implying you sounded too abstract, and I apologize for the miscommunication. What I meant is that I have spent my life developing abstract ideas, but the more layers of abstraction you pile on, the more difficult it becomes to relate that idea to anyone else. Action is the most relatable experience we can share, I believe. It's important not to spend your whole life thinking about the way things should be, without ever taking the first step toward any of your goals. More or less, I was just projecting my own failures onto you, hoping I could advise you not to repeat the same mistakes. Having a beautiful mind does not automatically mean you will be successful, or even useful. By useless to society, I mean to say that while I may have many talents, they are tangled in a web of expectations. Maybe I could help find a cure to cancer, but that talent is useless if I don't plan on actually becoming a scientist. Just remember that thought without action is, as MsFatBooty would say, verbal masturbation.

It's actually scary how much this post related to me. I think to a degree I'm more or less the same. However I've never had it laid down like that to me before nor have I said it out loud.
I'm both glad, and sad to hear you say that. If you ever want to talk about your experiences with someone you feel may understand you better than others, please feel free to do so here, or in private, whichever you prefer.

What would of become of all those beautiful minds if they were not so much into verbal masturbation, self-pity etc.? Lets say they were suddenly thrown into deep, dark dry wells with no chance of self-expression, any outer source of distraction.
I'll answer that question pretty soon so sad no one will know it : )
I don't disagree with you. Still, I can't help but feel that perhaps you do not understand how a certain type of mind is born. Depth is often earned through suffering. People who are shunned and rejected, often for the simplest of reasons at the beginning, look for other ways to find happiness. We look in unorthodox places, and thus become unorthodox people. With great, and isolated effort, our inner world becomes our sanctuary. The more we work at it, the more beautiful it becomes, and the more inclined we are to stay there. This behavior, of course, further exacerbates the problem of connecting with others, which in turn leads us deeper into our own world, where we are safe, and everything makes sense. What you see is not mere verbal masturbation. If I speak eloquently, it is not for vanity, but because my choice of words is a more dependable source of gratification than the people I am speaking them to. If I seem to be more comfortable with my problem than the solution, that is because I do not believe in your solutions the same way you do. My rejection of society's limited and inadequate options creates a very specific alternative. Where you see a person who should apply themselves, I see a lifetime of research proving that there is no point in doing anything at all. Where you see a person who chooses to drown in imaginary waters, I experience an inability to counter my own perfect logic in a way that would allow me to hope enough to become a catalyst for change in my own life. While I may suggest others avoid the path I've walked, that does not mean I can turn back.
 

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Really good read,wish I mastered english just as you do.The inner self and the man present to the outside by behavior or react can be really split,it's killing me as well.We are better than that,and hope one day we can be the one we want to be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Really good read,wish I mastered english just as you do.The inner self and the man present to the outside by behavior or react can be really split,it's killing me as well.We are better than that,and hope one day we can be the one we want to be.
Thank you, Force, that was very sweet of you to say. I'm sorry you are also having a negative experience in this world, and society. It can be easy to focus on the negative. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. My skype is posted on these forums somewhere, as well, but not in my profile.
 
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