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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a difficult time expressing how I feel and what I want.
I'm uncomfortable sharing my feelings.
I can never put them into words as clearly as they make sense in my own head.
I never share any intimate details about myself.
My inability to open up to share to grow has had me stuck in neutral for 10 years.

I think I've always struggled with anxiety and depression, but when I was young it was easy to fake. Easy to still fit in and suppress internal concerns. The older I get though, as expectation of me change, I feel more and more exposed by my insecurities. So I limit social interactions to casual settings where there is plenty to talk about that isn't me.

I come from a good family I have friends that care about me, but I don't feel like I fit in. I believe if I told people what I was thinking they would find me odd or disturbed so I keep it in. I've never seen a doctor about my anxiety and depression because I feel like I'm being too dramatic about it. Or I get too embarrassed and anxious to tell a doctor how I feel. When I imagine telling someone what is wrong with me, I project all the worse things I think about myself onto them. For example, if I asked a doctor to prescribe something for depression or anxiety, I would assume they would think I was looking for drugs to abuse.

In the last 10 years I've:
I've not had a serious girlfriend (I have had a serious girlfriend earlier in life)
I've had moments where I could not preform perform sexually because I was too nervous and couldn't get outside of my own head. This happened about 60% of the time which of course caused me to shy away from girls and any intimate or sexual activity.
I've failed out of college
I've gained 50 pounds
I don't remember a single conversation about how I feel with anyone. And certainly not one where I was being honest with them.
I've been unable to leave myself emotionally vulnerable or exposed out of fear of judgment and/or rejection.

Sometimes I drink too much. I lack self-control and there are times when I go off the deep end binge drinking and eating. I have stretches of time where I smoke a lot of grass (not currently). These times are in some ways better than normal and some ways worse. I'm better at self-realizing my problems and I can get myself to admit truths about the root of my issues (fear and self-contempt). The downside is it makes even more introverted than I am otherwise. It's harder for me to leave my own head.

I stumbled on this site. I'm hoping I can do a better of job expressing why I'm afraid and why I don't really like myself if I'm doing it anonymously. I'm hoping to get out of neutral. I've been spinning my wheels for a decade+. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of not liking who I am. It's time to find what I'm looking for out of life to have the courage to do something about it. I'm hoping this is a first step and not another false start.
 

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WLM, I am in the exactly the same boat as you. In fact reading your post, I could have written it myself as the majority also applies to me. I genuinely didn't realise other people felt like I/we do. Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you, as I'm also looking myself to break out of this negative cycle and try to enjoy a meaningful and worthwhile existence but I hope the answers and help are out there for us. I am debating going for counselling but I am not sure it will work. I have resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be like this but I so want to change.
 

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Hey WLM welcome. :hyper
 

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Welcome, WLM! :)
Many of us can certainly empathize! :yes
 
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