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Hi :)

Just thought I'd share some things I'm coping with at the moment.

So. I'm 23 and had never had a job until Wednesday last week when I started a temporary job in an office where my friend works. My contract is for a couple of months. So anyway it was all a bit sudden and a lot of a shock and I am feeling rather overwhelmed. I was always so scared to get a job but it's not so bad because the company is quite small, the people nice and I see my friend everyday. But I'm having anxiety which I haven't had properly for a while because I got so much in my comfort zone of having no job and no life.

When my colleagues talk to me I get anxious. I don't know what to say. I was asked about my weekend. I did nothing, there was nothing to say and I just felt so awkward. And then a few of them were talking together and I almost felt like joining in because they were talking about a band I went to see last week. But I didn't and I just feel I'll never be able to join in group conversations like that because I just don't talk loud enough.

And when people come in asking where someone is I mutter I don't know or something. I feel rather pathetic that I won't just speak loud and clear and confidently. I've been there 4 days and I'm acting like a shy teenager on work experience. That is what I feel like. I don't know how they see me/ think of me. Maybe they don't give me a second thought but I do feel stupid.

Another thing is I get a 'nervous tummy'; I have bad stomach pains and need to go to the toilet (TMI sorry lol) before an event which makes me nervous. So for me, the Friday before last I went to the job centre=bad tummy. Last Monday, went to speak to manager about the job=again. And then when I started working on Wednesday. Then on Thursday. And Friday. And it was awful today and i was late to work. I don't think I can go on like this! I've never had it so often and so much stress and anxiety. TBH I'm ok when I'm at work and consciously I think I'm ok with it everyhing, but obviously I'm not. And I don't really like taking tablets to stop it. I should remove the cause not deal with the symptom (ie. not go to work haha).

And finally. There's this really attractive man who works there. Not in my office, but he's about. I tense up when he walks across the room. It's terrible :( And then he talked to me briefly earlier and for the first time in a long time I felt myself go hot so I must have been red by the time he ran away and left me lol.

Arghhhhhh. So yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get through this week let alone this month, next month etc. It's a constant struggle. And I'm exhausted. From lack of sleep, lots of sitting in front of a computer and the strain of being around people. At least I will have some money, can pay my parents back some money, pay them some rent, by sort of normal, not have so many people thinking I'm totally abnormal for never having had a job. But. It's so hard. I know no one ever said life'd be easy but ... yeah.

I am actually quite positiveish/ hyper at the moment. But when I'm actually at work, the positive thinking, listening to confidence hypnosis tracks, reading self help books, all go out the window when I'm faced with REAL PEOPLE.

If you managed to read all that, you deserve a medal :D

Just felt like sharing and I feel a bit better now.

Byeee
 
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