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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so when I presented myself I made reference to a very specific case of social anxiety. In order to undestand what I'm about to write, u need to know my social context, is latin, so we're very affectionate. Plus, I have a very high ethical view on life, so I'm a bit strict with myself and strive for perfection in everything I do, with a rational margin of error of course.
Here it is:
I have no problem going out with my girlfriend, who I love dearly and trust. I have no problem hanging out with our mutual friends, who are all very respectful people and who I also have no problem trusting. But it's very hard for me to go out with my girlfriend and our friends at the same time, specially when they're more her friends than mine.
Last night I went out with her to go meet with friends at a public event. On our way I started getting anxious, dubious of my decision to go, etc.
I felt embarassed to tell her how I felt. When we got down I was even more nervous, so I simply said "I want more lovin'" so she got closer to me as we walked. Even still I kept feeling anxious! And all these thoughts came to my mind: She's gonna ignore me all night", "she's gonna be doing her own thing and forget about me"... The thing is I had great communication with the other people there, my girlfriend behaved nicely with me, but still I kept feeling anxious. It's like my mind kept playing tricks on me. No matter how much we held hands or even talked, I felt distant to her, any little thing I saw her do was a sign of her distancing herself from me. I would look at the facts rationally and not find anything wrong, but still felt desperate. At the end of the night when we were finally alone I told her softly everything I felt she did. Most of it was the product of my anxiety, which led me to misinterpret alot of things. I am very analytical and very self critic, so after I do these things I always think back and regret it. But still the next time she suggests going out with friends the anxiousness starts.
It's not the first time that it's happened. One time I felt so anxious on our way to meet up with friends that I told her what I thought, that she would not pay any attention to me and make me feel like we're not a couple in front of all my friends. She could not believe what I was saying and she started to cry. That night she stood away from me the whole time on purpose, to kind of teach me a lesson. But she'd not like that normally.
She's the best GF ever, I could not ask for a girl that loves me more than her, but this very specific anxiety is hurting our relationship.

Another thing is that I've had this anxiety since even before I had a real girlfriend. I've thought about where all these comes from... And I think it started with the first girl I ever dated in middle school. The relationship lasted the christmas vacation (1 month). But during that time she would come see me every day, she made all the intents to see me. So that january 1st. morning she invited me to a family reunion, so I went. Unexpectedly, she didn't talk to me the whole day, the whole evening either. I was in shock! That night she dumped me for no reason, I know it sounds childish and it is, but it was my first heartbreak. Later on I had a girlfriend in school who would take me to sit with her friends, not only did she not talk to me the whole time but her back was actually facing me the whole time also. Again childish stuff. But when I had my first serious girlfriend, we were kind of taking a break in order to get fix some things and get back together (something I don't believe in anymore) and when we got back together she confessed she had made out with some guy. She never told me who it was, so I just lost all trust in everyone. I couldn't even trust my own friends! That's when things got bad. When that relationship was over I took some time for myself, fixed many things spiritually but didn't treat the jealousy and mistrust issues. So in the next relationship, everything was there the jealousy and the social anxiety. I dealt with the jealousy issue and I've had little or no problems with that, but the anxiety is still there. Thanks for reading the whole thing through. Any suggestions?
 

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Okay I first want to state out that I did read the whole thing, lol.

Lets get this part down first, the "worried about not getting enough attention from your gf while friends are around" part down. That's completely normal, I always get that feeling. Ever since we were little we would fight for a girls attention. It's like your mental thinking is, I need to have more attention then they do because I'm the BF. Oh believe me, I once had a this GF who called me over late at night, me thinking it would be a crazy night of making out, actually lead to a night of me getting ignored because of her friends coming over! I literally stood and watched a basketball game on television while she talked to her guy friends. I immiedately broke up with her as i could see the immaturity in her. But yeah, you got to understand that the world, girl in this case, does not revolve around you. She has friends of her own as well, and they need a bit of attention too ya' know? Try to deal with it, its something that comes with being in a relationship. Friends, "bagage", family is something that you will be bound to when you enter a relationship. You also cant tell them to drop a friend or two just because you feel insecure, that would be highly unfair. Unless you two were extremely serious in the relationship such as engaged/marriage.

Something you can try to do is give HER more attention so she can give you attention in return! It's not all about her giving attention, its a give n take, take and give situation here. Either do as said above, or don't go out in those kind of events. Though if you love her as you say you do, you will bare through the ache, for her.

Good luck, and best of wishes on your relationship. =)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you alot, Inuyasha. You're right I do want to make this work because I love her, and am willing to keep going out wih friends also. This is the same reason why I'm looking to better myself in this area. But like I said, she did not ignore me, she actually kept a good balance between her friends and me. And I did give her attention. This is why I was so frustrated with myself, because I kept feeling anxious. But I'm feeling confident that I'm going to overcome this and be able to have a wonderful time with her and friends; without giving her a speach afterwards, or keep a hurting feeling to myself.
If I can just be rational and realistic with this as I am with almost everything else in my life, I'm pretty sure I will be able to feel free instead of fearful.

Let me sum it up like this: The real battle I (and probably many others) face is that I can rationalize everything normally, but under given situations my mind cannot help make things up that result in fear, anxiousness and insecurity. So to hell with those weird, make believe thoughts, lol. I know is not that simple, but I believe we can accomplish anything we set our minds to, specially for love. I'm a helpless romantic as you can see (did I mention I've set myself to be an extraordinary BF? That's cuz I want to be an awesome husband and dad someday). I will keep you guys posted on how it works out for me. Still open for suggestions here...
 
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