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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My daughter is at a point where attending school is getting impossible. Her Dad thinks she should just get over it and go to school. I am finding it so heart breaking to send a shaking crying girl into an environment that is scary to her. She has been taunted, bullied and told no one wants her at school. She can't stand the thought of this ridicule everyday. She seems to think that changing schools would solve her problem, but I'm not so sure. She tried online school at the end of last year and didn't have the motivation to do the work. (She also suffers from depression, has a history of self harm and has spent some time in the hospital for treatment

Would forcing her to school everyday be beneficial in the long run? Btw the school is getting tired of dealing with her everyday. She spends a lot of time at the nurse and office when she is in school.

I would love to hear from both parents and students with your ideas and suggestions.
 

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I experienced something similar throughout my whole time in school. Some days, I would be shaking, crying and it was so difficult for me to get up and go. I was blessed enough to have one or two friends that could help me cope, if they were there then my anxiety level would lessen, never go away, but it helped. Does she know anyone that she can talk to, like a friend, that could understand what she is going through and maybe stick by her during lunch?

For me, lunch and the 15 minute break were the hardest. I wouldn't know where to go, what to do, I was nervous and anxious all the time. There wasn't an option for me to switch schools, I was forced to continue to attend school where I was.

I'm surprised and disappointed to know that the school is losing patience with her, social anxiety is something very hard to go through, and its made more difficult without people such as the school officials not understanding.

Is there something that is making her anxious? A specific thing that she wants to avoid? I always avoided classes where there was a lot of group work, or where there were known presentations. Maybe if you could make a meeting with the principle, and try and find her some help that way. Most people do not understand social anxiety, like you husband they just think we can suck it up and move on. It's not that way, it can be debilitating.

Feel free to message me, I would like to know if she is finding any help. I suffered social anxiety my whole life, and there is no easy way to deal. I hope someone on here, can shed some light on the situation for you, and get your daughter some help.
 

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getting away from the anxiety provoking situation won't help her...if anything it will make it worse and it would only get tougher to face it in the future..
 

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I just came across this website, I'm sure you have been looking all over the internet for solutions and you may have seen this one as well, but I thought I would give it a shot.

http://www.aboutourkids.org/article...ly_anxious_teenagers_school_personnel_parents

One thing that your daughter has, that many here including myself, is a mom who cares enough to look for some way to help, and try and understand what she is going through. It might not seem like it but the fact that your trying to understand helps.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I understand the theories, but...

I understand the theory that the more she avoids school the worse it will get for her. Here comes the but....She has already reached a point where she will sit in the office for hours instead of going to class. She tells the P and VP she will not go to class. Simply refuses! She is failing every class and the pressure of her grades, parent response to what is happening, admin response it is all just too much for her. She has attempted suicide twice in the past 2 years. she has just recently started cutting again. Is it worth the chance of losing her just so she goes to school? My answer is NO!
 

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Not 15, I'm 18, but I've been through MANY MANY situations like that throughout schooling. I kinda didn't go back in January, I've only really just gone back. I don't know how much help I will be, but...

From an anxiety point of view, yes, the more you avoid it, the worse it gets. My parents pretty much pushed me all the way through school. I'm guessing you're in the US so I don't know what the system is over there. It may just be that she needs to take a break somehow, try and get better. I don't know if you have to go to the doctors to get some sort of note that will allow that, I don't know.

I'm back in school, and I'm currently not going to every class. I'm going into some, but not all of them due to anxiety/depression, and the school is letting me work outside of classes at home or up in the library. Then again you said she had no motivation to work, so I don't know. I feel that way sometimes, but at the same time, I've got exams and a university offer that needs me to get certain grades, and I'm freaking out about that, so that does kinda motivate me again and kick in...

I'm not bullied, so I don't know how to deal with that. I have a bad ear and everyone seems to be aware of that, so I just use that as an excuse for my absenses and they cut me some slack. But you could try moving schools, if possible.

Whatever happens, if the school is getting fed with her and threatening to kick her out, etc, they can't. Not for illness. You may have to get something in writing from a doc to explain this. They may have to put some sort of structure in place for her. I'm pretty sure that's the same in the US as it is over here.

And I hope everything works out for you. I know my Mum goes through hell dealing with me some of the time, I'm a pretty difficult person. I'm currently going through treatment for all of this, and I probably will have to resit at some point. You can probably do something like that in the US if worst comes to worst, but I don't know. If it's getting bad, for now, focus on getting treatment for your daughter, some sort of meds or therapy. It may take a while, but they'll be something out there that will work.
 

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I was the same way in school. Like another poster said, lunch and any sort of free time was the worst. Group work, presentations, study hall, lunch, and sometimes gym class is what I avoided the most. I think the best thing you can do is talk to her about it. Maybe without your husband at first. I really do think that if my parents had let me change schools, things would have gotten better for me. BUT you have to be proactive about it. Don’t just switch schools and let things get to the way they were at her old school. Get her seeing a therapist first. And when you enroll her, make sure you get her involved with groups, clubs, sports, etc., even if she isn’t interested or refuses. Because then she’ll have some friends who she has to see every day who will have her back. It will give her more confidence. Feel free to message me if you want.
 

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Online school seems to be a good solution. At least temporarily until she can get some help and possibly move to a new school. If the motivation isn't there for online school, its probably not there for in class either, right? I'm not a parent, but it sounds like motivation is just as big of an issue as the SA. I guess they are related also.

A person can absolutely have extreme social anxiety and also be motivated. The motivation I have or had during school was the only thing I could really lean on.
 

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Teenagers can be real cold-hearted *******s, unfortunately. Unless you have reason to suspect your daughter isn't being truthful about what is happening at school, I would ask her if she might like to try a new school. This won't magically solve everything, but it might at least remove her from the abusive environment and give her a better chance at trying to overcome her fears.

Just my 2c, I'm not an expert in any sense. It's just what seems logical to me, and what I imagine I would want if I were in her place.
 

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It sounds like there's a group of kids making her life a misery

Can you target these ringleaders somehow with the teacher's help?

Generally if they're in there long enough kids will be accepted into some group or other

But this is realistically the only chance she has to learn this stuff and get in those lessons.

Can you persuade her to go into school in the immediate term and try to sit through all the lessons, figure who is tormenting her to get the school to sort them out and while she is there look for alternatives, ideally which involve kids from her age

If it's minor-level taunting then it's uncomfortable, but you get through it

If it's extreme and damaging her health, and I saw this happen to kids at school though thankfully never me, children can be little ****s.
 

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Well the immediate choices are to protect her, where her problems will grow worse and she'll be unprepared for the real world when it comes around.. however forcing her to go won't solve anything either, and possibly lead to more suicide attempts.

I've gotta say I went through the same stuff, mostly in elementary school. I'd hide in the shower for hours until my mother forced me to the bus. My dad reacted the same way as your husband. It didn't get better until high school where we had this program called "ExCel." It was a gifted program and it was like my safe haven. The teacher was very compassionate, patient, and funny. Unfortunately they scrapped the program since my graduation.

If she had a similar adult friend in the school system, who showed genuine concern for her issues, and she could check up with them at least three times a week, that would give her a reason to go. I'm not sure how closed off your daughter is though.. if she would respond to anybody. Still, the basic idea of giving her something, anything to look forward to is key. Most people look forward to time with friends, but depression/SA sufferers struggle with that.
 

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She seems to think that changing schools would solve her problem, but I'm not so sure.
If she's getting bullied all the time, you should probably just let her change schools. The longer she spends in this environment, the more damaged she'll be in the long run.

Would forcing her to school everyday be beneficial in the long run?
probably... But not at a school where she's being bullied all the time. I was bullied in elementary school and I can honestly say it would have been better if I switched schools.
 

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getting away from the anxiety provoking situation won't help her...if anything it will make it worse and it would only get tougher to face it in the future..
I disagree in this particular situation. It sounds like this school has become a very serious anxiety causing place. I think it would definitely be best if you let her go to a new school and allow her to have a fresh start socially. Get her out of that school before something bad happens. The longer she has to deal with the bullying and other issues, the more depressed she will become.

She's just beginning high school from the sounds of it, don't put her through 3-4 more years of this hell. She deserves to be happy during her high school years, and she won't ever be at this school. Once the anxiety becomes this bad, and you feel so hated by one particular place, it's IMPOSSIBLE to overcome the feelings and get better.
 

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I understand the theory that the more she avoids school the worse it will get for her. Here comes the but....She has already reached a point where she will sit in the office for hours instead of going to class. She tells the P and VP she will not go to class. Simply refuses! She is failing every class and the pressure of her grades, parent response to what is happening, admin response it is all just too much for her. She has attempted suicide twice in the past 2 years. she has just recently started cutting again. Is it worth the chance of losing her just so she goes to school? My answer is NO!
I've avoided school and it didn't get worse for me. I've also NOT avoided school and it definitely did not get any better for me, so. Personally with my social phobia I hate the idea of seeing a therapist, but if she's attempted suicide, she needs some help and clearly school is not working for her right now.
 

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how are you convincing her to go to school when that seems like last thing that she wants to do? i would imagine there would be lots of fighting over it or threats of consequences or something.

what has it been like in the past for her? (was she happy to go to school when she was younger? when did she become depressed? did she used to have friends?)

has she been prescribed anything for depression or anxiety?
 

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Changing schools is a very good idea. There are many memories you associate with particular places. Plus the current school seems to not care about bullying. It may not work, but its possible it will. Sending her back to her worst nightmare will only make her suicidal.
 

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i agree with alot of people in the means of switching her schools. School was very hard for me as well and my parents tried to support me but they didnt understand at all what i was going through so they pretty much forced me to throughout all my years, It helps alot that you are standing by her side believe it or not, you are possibly the reason she even keeps going...keep showing her that you will not give up until you help her, she def needs to see a phychologist. You also should keep her involved in something with other people her age if you do decide to take her out of school sign her up for some extracurricular activities or however u spell it. This will keep her socially involved because it will definately get harder for her to go back to school if she does stop.. whenever i would miss a day the next would be 2 times harder.
 

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Your daughter sounds exactly like me at 15. I would cry and vomit from panic attacks every morning before school and every day after school. I still have anxiety and depression, but I am able to compartmentalize it and handle everyday life. Switching schools is not going to solve the problem at all. It will relieve her anxiety now, but it will not fix anything. If she is cutting and attempting suicide, I seriously recommend you take her to a psychiatric hospital for intensive outpatient therapy or even staying for inpatient treatment where she won't have the ability to hurt herself. If her dad is anything like mine, he won't take it seriously until you take her to a doctor and the doctor tells him she is ill and needs serious help. The anxiety and depression is not your daughter. It is like a cancer, and it is destroying her. She has an illness and she is screaming out for help for that illness. I am sure she is just as scared and confused by her illness as are the people around her. Please take her to a doctor, before she tries to do anything more drastic.
 

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I say pull her out and get her in therapy right away. Forget about school your child's health comes first. So she may be behind in school or graduate late from college so be it. Take care of her panic attacks and fear of school and get her somewhere safe. Home, does not sound like the answer since the father figure is not happy with her. She needs to go away for a while to detox all these negative thoughts out of her mind.

Changing schools can be a good idea if the school she is attending has no connection to her new school.

Back when I was in 6th grade two girls really harassed the heck out of him. They hit me and spit on me in front of a lot of kids in my PE class. They got suspended and I got shunned. I was so traumatized by the event that I said lets try a new school. However, the moment I walked into the new school people knew what had happened at my old school and started teasing me. I was doomed from day one. I went back to my old school and even graduated from it. 13 years of torturer but I tried to be strong so I could get the diploma and walk out with my head high.

Every child is different and it is important to understand that. I could handle it but the ended result has been years of therapy and constant depression and low self esteem. Just help your child understand you are there for her and get your husband to do the same. She needs lots of help and no one antagonizing her because she can't "Get over it."
 

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She sounds like she is dealing with very severe social anxiety around her peers. I think it would be best to be as supportive as possible as telling her to just get over it will make her feel even more alienated and misunderstood. That can cause her anxiety to just get even worse. She needs people that she can feel safe and comfortable around. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to hide it because no one understands.

I was exactly the same way when I was her age, my heart would race and I would stand there and shake every morning while waiting for the bus. It was hell.
 
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