What really happened to me? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-06-2017, 02:06 AM Thread Starter
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What really happened to me?


I haven't made many posts here so I don't think anyone remembers me. I'm a lawyer, 37 years male, suffering for panic attacks, anxiety and depression most of my professional life. It was severe when I used to face the Judges (I know, some choice of profession I made!). Also been drinking a lot these past 10 years or so, though I have cut down drastically now, from daily to maybe once a week. While I'm almost fine outside Courtroom, I actually, physically tremble inside a Courtroom and my voice goes completely squeaky. My hands shake when I face the Judges inside Courtroom. I kept dragging along life all these years somehow with propanolol and swallowing the humiliation of panic attacks for a decade.

Now for the triumph part. I don't know if I can call it triumph really, because I don't understand what happened. On the 4th this month, I got into an unavoidable situation in a Courtroom drama where I ended up cross examining an opposition Witness. It was unplanned. The lead Counsel was supposed to conduct the cross examination but he couldn't make it and I got into a situation where I was forced into leading the case.

I'm really bewildered how I came out so well out of it. I can't believe myself. No squeaks. No trembling. My voice was bold, authoritative and forceful. I even ended up arguing with the Judge who tried to interrupt the cross examination by me. I've never experienced being sooooooo authoritative, cool and calm ever (maybe once or twice before, some years ago but then, I was on benzodiazepines SOS, not anymore).

I don't know what got inside me. I haven't had any medication other than the usual propanolol for the past one year. I wish I could somehow find out what happened so I could replicate it.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-06-2017, 05:33 AM
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-07-2017, 04:48 PM
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I am not sure what happened to you, but it sounds like you had a wonderfully empowering and exhilarating experience.

Perhaps you reacted the way that you did to the unplanned situation because you felt that you had no other choice but to step up to the challenge on behalf of your colleague--whether that was out of loyalty, friendship, professionality, career ambition, or because of your personal moral code?

If it's true that you felt that you had no choice but to do the best job that you could possibly do, on that day--even though you did have a choice, in all honesty--then it could be extremely valuable to isolate the specific reason, or reasons, for why you felt that way. Of course, I realise that you didn't know what the reason was at the time of asking us for help, but I thought it potentially useful to offer you a few possibilities anyway.

I don't know whether the things that I've written will be helpful, but I just wanted to try my best to answer your question in some fashion. As I said, I do not know what happened to you, but I wonder whether you even need to have a precise explanation, in order to draw on the experience as a source of courage in the future.

Whatever the reason for your sudden act of bravery, you must surely have proved to yourself that you are braver than you think, under certain circumstances. And you know how it is with brave people; they tend to say "Anybody would have done what I did, given the same circumstances."--but we also know from our experience of the world around us that that isn't quite true! So perhaps it is OK for you to internalise the idea that you can be a brave person, sometimes, despite your anxiety?

...-
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-08-2017, 04:01 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oceanid Anchoress View Post
Perhaps you reacted the way that you did to the unplanned situation because you felt that you had no other choice but to step up to the challenge on behalf of your colleague ... professionality ... personal moral code

If it's true that you felt that you had no choice but to do the best job that you could possibly do, on that day--even though you did have a choice, in all honesty
Thanks for the input. I've been thinking and thinking about it and that is the closest I can arrive at to an explanation.

It all happened within a matter of minutes. I had no chance to think what I wanted to do or how I wanted to do it. One minute I was waiting for my colleague to arrive. There was no anxiety or panic because I knew that my colleague will arrive in a few minutes, he'd take over and I won't need to even stand or speak. Inside of five minutes, I was standing and speaking. While waiting for him, there was hardly any thought in my mind except how to stall for a couple of minutes so my colleague arrives.

Strange. Would that mean that anticipatory anxiety is killing me?
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-08-2017, 04:18 AM
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In that you're more anxious leading up to a given moment but once you're in that moment you're in your element! See subsection R.34 for further insight!
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-08-2017, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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I'm sorry , what does that mean? A link would be so helpful MCH .. I don't know where to look on this.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-08-2017, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oceanid Anchoress View Post
I am not sure what happened to you, but it sounds like you had a wonderfully empowering and exhilarating experience
Thanks a ton. Yes it was exhilarating. I'm trying to remind myself ... '******* you were so good that day, now behave, you can do it again'
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