"There is defeat in every victory" How I asked somebody out - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 04:59 AM Thread Starter
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"There is defeat in every victory" How I asked somebody out


The Background:

I have a problem with dates outside the first date. Let me clarify: I've come so far that I no longer have much problems asking girls out on a first date. I don't have much problems having sucessful first dates. But my problem is what comes after, namely nothing. I'm just too scared to take things further. Either I just completley lose touch with the girl or we just end up as friends. (as an aside, this is not a post lamenting "friend zoning" as I know it's my own damn fault for not trying to take things further)


Last week I started at a new university, on a different continent. There, during orientation I met this girl from my class. We chatted, then I asked her out for dinner, we ate together and the tone was light and fun and we both seemed to enjoy ourselves. So far so good. So I told my self that I WILL try to ask her out again for a second date no matter what. I saw met her in class today for the first time since we had dinner.

The thoughts:

Immediately my inner monologue started racing first it was all "Dude, there she is, just ask her out, don't be a coward, this is what you need! Come on!". But I stalled, couldn't really find the right moment. So my other inner monologue started to chime in: "Dude, what if she says no? What if it's awkward to try to date a class mate? She probably has a boyfriend back home. What if it's too late, or too soon?!" This "fight" went on for some time until I decided enough is enough, I'm just gonna ask her out, and I devised a way to ask her out...

The exchange:
... this is how it went:
Tripple Step: So, Debbie, you're a pretty cultured lady right?
Debbie: Excuse me? What do you mean? [English is not Debbie's first language]
TP: Ehh, cultured...?
D: What do you mean...?
TP: Anyways I was wondering if you'd join me in checking out some of [the city's] art galleries?
D: Oh, is this a group outing?
TP: No, it's just me asking you.
D: So you mean like today?
TP: [Stares at Debbie with a preplexed look for a good 10 seconds because "today" was the last answer he'd expect]

Yeah... pretty damn awkward... BUT! When the conversation continued we agreed on going to the art galleries this weekend.


The aftermath

Walking home from class I couldn't help but berate myself. I thought to my self how incredibly awkward the whole exchange was, how I was an idiot for even trying this and so on. Then I suddenly stopped in my tracks and thought to my self "I actually did this, I actually tried to properly date a girl! Even if she'd say no it'd still be an sucess, just beacuse I dared to do soemthing I was afraid of. Also she said yes, so that's that."

The conclusion:

I didn't really learn anything new, but this experience confirmed two important lessons in a brilliant way:

1. Being afraid of something is all the more reason to try to do it. By creating a habit out of something scary, it will no longer be scary in the long run.

2. There is defeat in every victory, and victory in every defeat. What I did was by all means a victory, but still I insisted on treating it like a defeat. Don't be too harsh with yourself. It all comes down to attitude.

I hope my little story will help others find the bravery they need to do something that scares them!
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 05:45 AM
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lol oh yeah the whole, that was an awesome defeat but should have been better, thus its a defeat.

But yeah, so how did it go wing man?

Always looking for a better solution, what other choice do I have anyway?
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 10:46 PM Thread Starter
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So a little update. When I was to confirm a time and place for our meeting she said she'd gotten some unexpected visitors this weekend and that she wasn't sure if she could make it this weekend. Was that a rejection? Was she telling the truth? To be honest (and surprised I guess) I don't care that much either way. There's always someone else out there.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tripple Step View Post
So a little update. When I was to confirm a time and place for our meeting she said she'd gotten some unexpected visitors this weekend and that she wasn't sure if she could make it this weekend. Was that a rejection? Was she telling the truth? To be honest (and surprised I guess) I don't care that much either way. There's always someone else out there.
Sorry bro, unless she offered a specific reschedule of day and time . . . it is. But you're definitely out there taking your place in the sun...congrats

We're all in this sh*t together --Joe Rogan.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 04:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tripple Step View Post
The Background:

I have a problem with dates outside the first date. Let me clarify: I've come so far that I no longer have much problems asking girls out on a first date. I don't have much problems having sucessful first dates. But my problem is what comes after, namely nothing. I'm just too scared to take things further. Either I just completley lose touch with the girl or we just end up as friends. (as an aside, this is not a post lamenting "friend zoning" as I know it's my own damn fault for not trying to take things further)


Last week I started at a new university, on a different continent. There, during orientation I met this girl from my class. We chatted, then I asked her out for dinner, we ate together and the tone was light and fun and we both seemed to enjoy ourselves. So far so good. So I told my self that I WILL try to ask her out again for a second date no matter what. I saw met her in class today for the first time since we had dinner.

The thoughts:

Immediately my inner monologue started racing first it was all "Dude, there she is, just ask her out, don't be a coward, this is what you need! Come on!". But I stalled, couldn't really find the right moment. So my other inner monologue started to chime in: "Dude, what if she says no? What if it's awkward to try to date a class mate? She probably has a boyfriend back home. What if it's too late, or too soon?!" This "fight" went on for some time until I decided enough is enough, I'm just gonna ask her out, and I devised a way to ask her out...

The exchange:
... this is how it went:
Tripple Step: So, Debbie, you're a pretty cultured lady right?
Debbie: Excuse me? What do you mean? [English is not Debbie's first language]
TP: Ehh, cultured...?
D: What do you mean...?
TP: Anyways I was wondering if you'd join me in checking out some of [the city's] art galleries?
D: Oh, is this a group outing?
TP: No, it's just me asking you.
D: So you mean like today?
TP: [Stares at Debbie with a preplexed look for a good 10 seconds because "today" was the last answer he'd expect]

Yeah... pretty damn awkward... BUT! When the conversation continued we agreed on going to the art galleries this weekend.


The aftermath

Walking home from class I couldn't help but berate myself. I thought to my self how incredibly awkward the whole exchange was, how I was an idiot for even trying this and so on. Then I suddenly stopped in my tracks and thought to my self "I actually did this, I actually tried to properly date a girl! Even if she'd say no it'd still be an sucess, just beacuse I dared to do soemthing I was afraid of. Also she said yes, so that's that."

The conclusion:

I didn't really learn anything new, but this experience confirmed two important lessons in a brilliant way:

1. Being afraid of something is all the more reason to try to do it. By creating a habit out of something scary, it will no longer be scary in the long run.

2. There is defeat in every victory, and victory in every defeat. What I did was by all means a victory, but still I insisted on treating it like a defeat. Don't be too harsh with yourself. It all comes down to attitude.

I hope my little story will help others find the bravery they need to do something that scares them!
Good job bro...Thanks for sharing :-)

"Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past."

॥ ॐ भूर्भुवः स्वः तत् सवितुर्वरेण्यं भर्गो देवस्य धीमहिधियो यो नः प्रचोदयात् ॥
"Aum Bhur Bhuva Svah
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi
Dhiyo Yo Naha Prachodayat"
On the absolute reality and its planes,
On that finest spiritual light,
We meditate, as remover of obstacles
That it may inspire and enlighten us.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 01:25 PM
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Great post, very interesting.

By the way, I hope you don't miss the obvious clue here - 'GROUP OUTING' - women prefer to meet and get to know guys within the context of a group - its more comfortable and allows her to observe you interacting with other people as well as her. Thats why they say the best way to meet someone is in group activity - college society / volunteer group - whatever you like. The romantic evening for two usually happens once you already know each other more.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 03:02 PM
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Just keep trying.
I'd really like it if a classmate asked me out...
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-16-2012, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by redowen View Post
Great post, very interesting.

By the way, I hope you don't miss the obvious clue here - 'GROUP OUTING' -
Oh, I did miss the obvious clue. That's a very interesting point which I have never thought of before. I'll keep that mind for the next time!
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-26-2012, 02:48 PM
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You're welcome - I'm not saying you should always avoid 1-1 dates obviously, but in my experience its easy to ask a girl out on a group outing - theres no pressure
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 10-01-2012, 10:12 PM
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Ask her to go for a coffee or to lunch, its an EASY way to get them to agree.




"It's better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared." -- Whitney Young Jr.
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