Small victory in my thinking
I have always been afraid to talk with people because I am afraid that they will treat me as I was treated in the past growing up. It seemed like growinig up that I couldn't say anything without being either made fun of or be put down for. For example, if I was to say, "excuse me" my uncles would respond coarsely with, "why? did you fart?" and then they would all laugh at me. Which was particularly humiliating for a sensitive little girl. That's just one example of many, many harming things that was said to and about me by them. Then with my mom, she was constantly putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. I couldn't even smile without her snapping, "why are you smiling? what do you have to be happy about?" She was also telling me that I didn't deserve nice things. Also when I met new people, they would usually have to comment on how young I look, how short I am, how many freckles I have, etc. It never felt like it was a compliment it was more like what on earth was wrong with me? Why was I such a freak?
My uncles were playboy-addicted alcoholics and my mom had her own issues. Most people that I meet and associate with as an adult are not at all like my uncles or mom and even if I do meet someone like that, I have a way out. If I start to talk to someone who starts to put me down I don't have to stick around and take it. In fact, I can stand up to them and tell them that they are really just an insecure, scared little boy or girl inside and that is why they feel the need to put others down. They think that if they make other people feel bad about themselves that makes them better. But that is wrong, they are just bullies on the outside, but scared little babies on the inside. I don't have to stand around and take their abuse like I had to as a child. As a child, I had no place safe to run and hide. I could not get away, I could not stand up for myself. These people had me believing that I didn't even deserve to stand up for myself or was good enough. But, now I know better. I know that I don't have stick around and take abuse because it is not good for me and I don't deserve it. I can stand up for myself, I can leave, I can be safe. I don't have to be afraid to talk to people.