3 actions that are all connected, which have worked in letting my real personality flow out of myself in a way natural to me:
1. Stopping all thoughts about how I think I should be in social settings. If I let my mind decide and dictate how I’ll act, think and go about interactions, I end up being a hollow and poor imitation of my real self. Not only am I less engaging and authentic, but I feel less connected to others and myself. This tends to lead to feelings of being lost and alone.
2. Following on from point 1, and very much intertwined, is how I need to let the will/life/urge/spirit in me lead, and not the mind. By going with the will and urge within, and not censoring or filtering it with the mind; the real me comes out. As a result I feel infinitely better emotionally and mentally. When I do this, I actually think there’s a way I can live comfortably in my own skin, which I haven’t done in any consistency for my whole life yet. Life could actually feel like maybe it’s intended to, or at least not a constant swim against the current, which it has been so far.
3. For all the above to happen, I think I need a calm mental state, a quietened mental state. Trying to think what to say all the time, or always thinking how to act or move is completely exhausting and unsustainable. Living should not be so tiring, I just think I need to let my will/spirit manifest itself, and to be transmitted through a relaxed mind. As opposed to the mind cutting off the will, and deciding how to act without the authenticity of my real self.
I realise this all sounds a bit confusing, but I needed to write this down for myself while it’s fresh again and making sense to me. The abstraction of these concepts get easily lost in day to day living, and the habitual mistakes of living I’ve been making all these years.