SA caused by a lack of ability to be honest
My SA and panic attacks have been at an all time high lately. I’ve had more anxiety in my life then ever before. So bad that these past two weeks i’ve been so depersonalized I started fearing I was losing my mind and track of time itself. The days kept blending into each other like they were some never ending movie instead of life. I’ve suffered with dp/dr for almost 10 years buts it never been this bad before. That alone made it even worse thinking i had hit some sort of permanent psychosis that I hadn’t reached before. I got to the point where I couldn’t sleep at all and that even laying down in my own bed trying to slowly breathe I just couldn’t turn it off.
I stared thinking about what maybe could have caused this drastic increase in my anxiety and it finally occurred to me that one particular recent event pushed me over the edge. This girl that I have been friendzoned with for over 20 years and which has always been out of my league finally showed some “more then friends” affection to me one night when she was drunk. Since then I haven’t even brought it up or spoken to her about it because I don’t know if she meant it and I’m terrified of asking her the question that needs to be asked. At least, the question that needs to be asked for us(or atleast me) to be comfortably friends again. This made me realize something serious about my life. I’’m terrified of ever being truly honest with anyone about anything. I realized that all the coldness and aloness that I’ve been through over these last 10 years going through panic attacks, dp/dr, and major social anxiety has made me put myself in a place where I am too scared to be honest about my feelings with any body. I’ve gotten so used to struggling alone that I’ve subconsciously aliened myself from being open. Fearing judgement or lack of understanding about my struggles. This has truly damaged me as a person. I realized I sometimes even have trouble telling a stranger what type of condiments I actually like out of fear of them not agreeing with my choice. As if me having a conflicting opinion to what they like would be wrong, and I only wanna say what they would agree with.
This all comes from the fact that no one in my life truly knows me anymore. My parents have no idea what I go through every day and I fear telling them out of lack of understandment or judgement, my friends all don’t understand why I struggle to hold a job on what looks like a “kush schedule” to them and why I have to live at home with my parents at 26 years old. Nor do they get why I constantly push the opportunity to date away like it’s the plague.(I’ve been single my entire life and have always feared rejection). I feel like I’ve been fading away from having any joy in all interactions with other people for years because I’ve lost the ability to actually relate my honest feelings.
My inability to be truly honest with anyone in my life about what I’m going through has just made me more alone and afraid then anything in my life before, and I’m finally at my breaking point. I believe now that if I can find the strength to start speaking my true thoughts more I’ll maybe, MAYBE, start to have an outlet for things and stop feeling like I’m going so insane. Why is it so hard to be honest with people?