Social Anxiety Forum

Social Anxiety Forum (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/)
-   Triumphs Over Social Anxiety (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/)
-   -   My Story: From a Loser to a Winner... and still learning (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/my-story-from-a-loser-to-a-winner-and-still-125960/)

bengo 05-17-2011 02:57 PM

I'm gonna try what you tried. My first step would be contributing in class. I've wanted to play basketball but my bball wouldn't pump up.

pudz 05-18-2011 09:20 AM

Contr: You've made improvements which other people try years to do and still can't do! Congrats and just build on that success and im sure you'll be able to see that improvement over time!

Winters: The difference between thinking and doing is tremendous. Try to not think about past failures and put the best foot foward and look at it as if you've already fit in. Try it!

Bengo:YESS! That's the spirit! Go out there and prove to the world you're legit. Start taking small steps as I did and let me know how it worked out!
And basketball was a GREAT stress release for me... so maybe you could get someone to buy a new one for you? Im having great success finding new friends playing basketball too so that might also be a place to start making friends!

SAgirl 05-19-2011 03:12 PM

That's terrific!

Ambitious 05-19-2011 04:30 PM

Wow man, that was some powerful stuff. I really felt you putting everything into that. Really happy to hear where you are now. Keep it up :)

Phila23 05-19-2011 04:55 PM

How would a person with a moderate to severe stutter approach this....

leeroy 05-19-2011 08:35 PM

pudz,

I came across this forum on google, was surfing it, and after reading this, I cannot believe how similar you are to me. Since middle school, I have felt like an outcast at my school. From 7th-10th grade, my typical day was go to school, come home, do my homework, then play videogames until I got tired (I was big on Runescape too, haha).

Right now, I'm a senior in high school. Starting last summer, things have been turning for the better, as I have a good number of guy friends to hang out with, but I'm still not confident socially, particularly with girls. I've got a full month left of high school, and I have two classes where I generally avoid talking to anyone. I want to know how to change this. It feels weird if you have not been talking to the people next to you in class all year, but then start all of a sudden! How can I change this? We obviously know each other's names after nearly a full school year, so I can't do a basic introduction. But I can't just start saying hi to these people as they walk in, out of nowhere! It's just odd. What do I start talking about? And how do I eventually become better friends? Is it too late?

What I have the most trouble with is knowing when to try to take a relationship with a classmate outside of school. So, for example, I talk to this girl every now and then in my Spanish class who sits next to me, but it's only quick things about the class itself. I don't know how to talk about anything else to her, or let alone try to talk to her outside of class. How do I go about this? In other words, when is it time to take an acquaintance you have in school, to a friend outside of school?

Thanks for reading this if you do. If not, then thank you anyway, because I bookmarked this page and plan on reading it again before I leave for college. LOL.

ohgodits2014 05-19-2011 08:44 PM

No one can be a loser when they're still in their teens.

pudz 05-19-2011 10:30 PM

Leeroy,

If I was still in high school, I would be here asking the same question.
With the experiences I have had with girls with and without attraction, the same basic rules apply, but we might have to alter from situation to situation although the core of these rules I have made up for myself stay the same.

The situation you are describing is in high school and not college, so there may be a slight difference, but very slight.

For the two classes you haven't said anything in, I would just start paying attention to class details and the teacher a lot more and carefully pick apart his sentences so that you have questions ready for him. Participate in asking these questions and if your other peers from across the room who is more social jumps in, make your move and fire comments right back, this way people around you will notice "hey, this kid is alive, talks a little, and is confident to engage is conversations."
I would say do this for 2 or 3 days and people will start to notice your enthusiasm in class, and continue throughout the year.
During the 3rd or 4th day, while being active in class, be as smooth as you can be and talk in a normal voice, almost whispering , an excuse to why you weren't talking until then. Something like "dammmm I need to get those A's or im screwed". The voice should be heard only to the student across or in front of you around you. This needs to be said with lots of expression... making faces to match the emotion and vibe you give off is a plus. Look for the person you want to chill with after class, within a 1 person radius, and say it as if you were talking to them to get the effect.
Follow your comment with a question IMMEDIATELY after something to the extent of "how are you doing in the class?"
Make sure the person is looking and if he/she isn't looking... say his/her name.
If he/she answers without you saying their name and you want to start fresh.... go with the basic intro but skip the "hi" part. Go directly into
"oh cool... what's your name?
"______"
"Right, I'm ______"

Once you get 1 person to talk to you, the rest should be a peice of cake.

These directions are extremely specific because that would be what I envision doing in your situation... step by step.


As to the chick in your spanish class, if you have good rapport with the girl, go for it.
Rapport is how smooth the conversation goes and the connection and comfrtability you feel when talking to her.

I was pretty bad at this in high school and have gotten a lot better at college because of the social scene around me...
If you were in college, I would just go with " what you up to tonight? wanna chill/ party?" ... or if there was group work, go with that... but it isnt college.

If you aren't on a good enough rapport level yet, I would try and find her on facebook, if you have one, and talk to her a little more and try to get that level up so you can go for that number.....

But you need to keep talkin to her ...a lot... more .. a 10 -15 minute conversation anywhere (but in person) ...even in class (if the teacher assigns group work).

Before class, any time before class, say hey ___ with a big friendly smile, and go in for the hug. Act like you guys hug everyday (which you should if you aren't).

remember .. If you don't make it akward, she won't feel akward.
If she doesn't make eye contact or looks away for a second... give the "WHAT?" Act and sound extremely shocked... but MAKE SURE she sees ur bout to give her a hug since it isn't regular.
If she says its akward... say somethin like .... "nah it aint....... you're the awkward one:)"


After a quick solid 10 minute convo... give out an excuse to go somewhere... ask for her number something along the lines of "hey I gotta go, we should chill later, whats your number?" .. or if you're still in class... tell her you def gotta chill later and if you're on a good level she'll give the go ahead and you can get the digits after class.

And then ... BAM... text her whenever ... I usually text around 6 -8pm to chill ... figure out something to do and GO.

that was some hard solid planning...
Hope you find it useful.
This definetly isn't a beginners walkthrough... you need some SERIOUS confidence / swag to pull some of this off smoothy.

And report back on what went smooth and what still needs some work because I'll be curious!

- Pudz

pudz 05-19-2011 10:33 PM

Phila,

I don't know what's causing your sttutering and I'm not a doctor so I can't really tell you. When I stutter, it's usually because I'm a little nervous... but its not that bad.
Talk to a professional because they can help more than me!

- pudz

alte 05-21-2011 10:37 AM

Good for you. At 19, you are still young and have the best years ahead of you ... college, early twenties. enjoy them. you have earned it. I sometimes wish I could go back in time to my undergrad days and slap some sense into my nerdy, video game obsessed younger self heh.

CopadoMexicano 05-22-2011 06:53 PM

Thats great :)

ForeverInBloom 05-22-2011 11:55 PM

I think its awesome that you've overcome your SA pudz, and to an even greater extent, that you're on here to help people even after your SA has disappeared!!!

Hey can you help a brother out? I have this social thing on Friday and I'm nervous about going. Of course I'm going to go its just that I want to have fun this time because I went to the exact same social last year and I did nothing but watched everyone else have a good time. I got nervous the whole time I was there and was quiet a lot. What can I do to prepare for this situation? Like leeroy, most of the people going know me as the quiet, reserved one. I once had fun and danced like crazy with a girl during the summer at this program I went to and I want to do that again! After i danced with the girl, I was like "WTF, did I just do that?". I don't know how to do it again! So do you just go and think "I don't care what everyone thinks"? at these events?

pudz 05-23-2011 11:39 AM

Forever,

Let me tell you what I do to prepare to go out/ go to social stuff so you can have an idea and get inspiration from it.

- Pick clothes out
. Depending on the occasion, either jeans and a t shirt, more relaxed swishy/ sweatpants and t shirt, more stylish jeans and a polo/ dress shirt, or formal dress shirt and dress pants with tie.
. Pick something out that you will be comfortable wearing and judge if the set matches, or if you can't do it yourself have someone help you out.

- take a shower
. Obvious reasons
- Brush your teeth
. Obvious reasons
- Deoderant
. Obvious reasons
- Cologne
. to smell good

- Hat/ do hair.
If i'm wearing a hat, it will usually be a fitted cap
If i'm not particularly feeling a cap that day, I gel my hair
Whatever I do, I make it look presentable/ not just got out of bed look.

- shoes:
Pick out a pair of shoes to match my clothes
If the shoe is dirty, I take an extra 10 minutes to get ready and scrub my shoes so theres not a lot of dirt on it.

- Mirror:
I look at the mirror before I go out to double check myself and it gives me a boost of confidence if I think I did good.
^^^^ It's time to change your attitude if you can't do this

Yes, you should not care about what other people think of you and what you do, but you should care what you make yourself feel.

last step... head out

_______________________________________

Alright so you're there... parking in the lot... arriving to the door.. wheverever the entrance is.

Since people know that you are really reserved, you have to start making moves right after you enter the door. The first 20 minutes of the party is when you will set how the night will go and is crucial especially since you are quiet.

Go up to everyone you know and either give them a handshake/ slap their hands... or if its a lady, give them a hug.

Yes, a hug.... since it's a social event it is extremely easy to not make this awkard.
Speak up and be animated so they know you're alive and you're talking to them.
A " Hey ____ !!!!!, Hows it going??" Followed by a hug and their response is great. their response could be from "goood good" to a sentence. So respond accordingly.


So this involves dancing.... my specialty / favorite ....

heres how to prepare for this if it's your first time... put on a song and adjust the volume levels and just start moving your body to the beat. Do it in front of the mirror... do it in your room without the mirror... whateve. Just be prepared to dance like no ones watching you when you're in front of people.
The "I don't give a crap attitude" works wonders here so do it.
the "Confidence" works miracles here also so don't forget that

Depending on what type of dancing you will be doing, involve other people.
- Be the person to go up to the guy / girl and get them to start dancing with you/ get them out of their chairs.
- If theres slow dances, go up to a girl and ask if she wants to dance. Hand on her hip and grab her other hand... and talk to her while you dance.
- If it's dirty dancing/ grinding.. which I get the feeling it's not, just go up to them and start dancing near them.

Hint... if you know the song lyrics, you can make moves up yourself!
Ex: Lyrics " Me and youu tonightttt"
Point the closest girl out, point yourself out and then whatever..... when you get to that point in your confidence, you can go up to the girl and start dancing with her....

if you come back, read this again, and see that you made these changes and did these things, I gaurantee you that you will have a blassttt.

If you don't understand something, ask away

- pudzz:boogie

StressedGirll 05-23-2011 12:46 PM

way to go :) you should never think what people think anyway.. because in the long run, all that matters is you and the decisions you made

ForeverInBloom 05-23-2011 07:11 PM

Wow, thanks for all your insight!! I'll be sure to use all that info!

I tried to be confident and positive today...it worked wonders!!!! I wasn't anxious as I usually am. I said hi to some people throughout the day. I think I might have had a breakthrough, thanks! Being confident is the one that helped out a lot. I'm sure if I keep my confidence level up I'll do all those things! Thanks again pudz!

Paragon 05-27-2011 12:39 AM

Pretty cool thread pudz :) I think most of this advice is pretty spot on, i kinda figured a lot of it out myself but would've been easier if i'd read this a few years ago lol. So yeah.. awesome. I'll make sure to ask you if i need any advice :P

ForeverInBloom 05-27-2011 11:40 PM

About the social.I danced.....I had fun! I even asked this girl to dance and it was great! Definitely going out there to dance without caring is a big step. It can be done!

Thanks pudz for your tips, I really appreciate it!

callmecharnelle 05-28-2011 12:22 AM

duuuuude. I wanna be like you!
I'm getting there.
It was the other day that I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm not even ugly! Wtf is wrong with people?"
I'm starting to feel really nice about myself and the path to overcoming is such a great path! It's all just amazing!

daniel11206 07-26-2011 12:36 PM

i just started college today, i wasn't really nervous in fact i wanted to talk kinda more like make funny comments , but still held back. I only answered one question out loud, what do i do now, make comments to others in class?

the teacher was talking the entire time i didn't wanna just start saying funny **** especially since some of it was about him and i was sitting in the front? What would happen like in high school teacher just screams at you and whatever you just start again later, in college what would happen would they kick me out?

What should i start doing from now on to have a better social life and make friends? Just talk about school work?

oh yeah i go to a city college so i don't live in a dorm.

Prodigal Son 07-26-2011 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StressedGirll (Post 1059020638)
way to go :) you should never think what people think anyway.. because in the long run, all that matters is you and the decisions you made

That is a simple concept, but it is absolutely true. I've made a lot of improvements challenging reactions to experiences I've had, even in the moment. Really, nobody can make you feel nervous or embarrassed but you. Again, simplistic concept but when you are able to apply it practically it is freakin empowering. (that is also the hard part)

Perm validation comes from within and being proud of the decisions you have made and will make over time. Temp. validation comes from the wanted outcomes and approval of others.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:49 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® ©2000-2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome