My Story: From a Loser to a Winner... and still learning
I'm new here but I want to tell you about my transformation story.
I was chillin on the web/ facebook and decided to look at how my life has changed in the past years and how I want to still change in the coming years.
I am currently in my 3rd year of college and have had social anxiety for most of my life starting around 7/8th grade. I was the typical "Loser". No, not a nerd, or a geek, just a plain loser. I had no friends and my best friend, I was his only friend. We would be on the internet playing mmorpg's and what not all day until we would sleep at 3am in the morning only to repeat the process. I had pretty bad grades in school because I thought "cool" kids didn't do there homework. That phase of my life didn't help me at all because that took me away from all the "nerds" and I couldn't even be friends with them. I had no one to go to if I needed to talk, one, maybe two friends that had little to no interest in my life. yea, I was down there to my lowest. I didnt shower for days... so talkin about brushing my teeth... waste of time. Something that helped me cope with my life was playing basketball. I shot hoops for 5 -8 hours on end in the summer because I had nothing to do but be at home and go on the internet. I was too shy to play with other people, but it got me into another world and that was what maybe saved me from crying every night alone to ssleep. A pretty cute girl liked me for 2 years in one of my classes... and yep you guess it... I think I said hi to her once...anddddd it wasnt really smooth. haha
I needed to make a change. Around 11th grade, I noticed how people acted and interacted with other people and asked myself why they were having sso much more fun doing it. I got online and began reading away at how to improve yourself with women.. blah blah blah. And I read and read and finished a whole lot of it. I outlined step by step in my mind how a regular conversation would start with a girl. But then it got to me.... I had no balls to even say hi to a girl and im thinkin about askin a girl out...
then I finally broke free of my shell and started talking more and answering more questions in class. I didnt talk to my peers, I talked to my teacher, with peers listening. That was my first step. then I gradually started to introducing myself to girls.
Here was my first go to line that led me on the right path for anyone whos interested.
Me - "Hey, what's your name?"
Her - " my name is _____"
Me - "Oh cool, my name is _____"
In high school, that worked a lot better than staring into space and sitting alone while everyone is talking to everyone else.
I didn't introduce myself to the popular ones. I found girls that were in the SAME BOAT as me. Alone and shy afraid to talk to people. I knew they felt JUST AS AWKWARD as me.
And here is how I got myself to do it.
"I Don't give a crap"
After I started giving my name to people, I then asked about schoolwork and made comments. yea, I felt weird at first, but as time went on, I was more comfortable.
It was senior year.... I was still the "loser", but hey, I made improvements, right? Right
It was around this time I said hi to my First, and only, girlfriend I have ever had. We met through a youth group so she didnt even live in my town.
Senior year means ... dreaded... prom night.
I was deciding with my nerd friends wether I should make a stupid appearance or play runescape the whole night while eating a lot of food..
My mind was set to play runescape.
At this time, I had already gotten past social anxiety a LITTLE bit, but I wa still EXTREMELY akward around girls. Somehow I managed to pull off going to two proms....
One with another so called "loser" at my school
and the other... with my ex girlfriend
This was about the time I first learned how to "grind" with a girl.
It felt extremely goood, wreckon ya'll try it sometime.
She wanted to make out in the car... I declined because I wasnt ready and have never kissed a girl in my life before.
She was also my first kiss.... Extremely awkward... didn't know what I was doing.... not that magical... yeah
blah blah blah time to go to college... and I dump this girl because I started to hate the distance.
Now, here is the part where everyone that hasnt gone through this part should listen carefully..... COLLEGE
It's where you have your whole new identity.
A place where you can be whoever you want to be.
You all start off fresh and here the kicker...
"You're all on the same boat"
You're NOT a loser, shes NOT popular. Same level playing ground for about a week or two and THIS is the time where change is crucial. Remember all the days where you coldnt talk to a girl? Say hi? Make popular friends?
This my friends, is here it all starts, and it's where it started for me.
Here is what I began doing a month or week before I went into my dorm my first time as a freshman:
1. Showers everyday. Check
2. Teeth. Check
3. Deoderant. Check
4. I'm not a loser mentality. Check
5. Clothes that don't make me stick out. Check
6. My past life experiences thrown out of my mind.? Check
I said hi to people I didn't know and became close to my roomates. they werent of the popular variety, but hey, they are still friends to make.
I was still extremely awkward around girls.....
I didn't go to my first party untiil Second semester because I was scared of .. the whole scene and everything
Asked my first girl out in college.. she declined.. because I was too desperate...
then second year of college changed my life.
I joined a fraternity. Don't know what it is? Look it up
I pledged with a whole lot of popular guys. I learned from them. They taught me most of what I needed to learn and made sure I implmented it.
And the rest is history.....
Now I attract a lot of girls, but I want to pass this imformation down to you guys... because I've been there , done that.. and thought that I would never have been successful as I am today
1. Always have confidence
- If you don't make it akward, she won't feel akward
- If you do, she will feel extremely awkard
2. Girls have a second sense
- they know off the bat if you are
and a lot of other things
- First impressions make it or break it
3. Always, Always greet every girl you get aquainted to with a hug.
- I can not stress this enough... this was one thing that changed everything
- Remember the first rule? Yea implement it
- Girls LOVE hugs
- After you get a little more comfortable you can do all sorts of playful things to them
4. Have a.... "I don't give a crap what you think" attitude
- If you always think about what other people think, it will get to you
- If you want to dance, dance
5. At a party....
Once you have successfully implemented everything above, you will probably have learned more than what other people can tell you.
- "Just do it"
I can not tell you how easy it is to just go up to a girl, put both hands on their hips and start dancing... from behind her of course.
You get rejected once, again and again, but if you don't give up, you will get more girls to dance with you than those who just stand there.
I've averaged hooking up at least one girl every 3 parties.
I have more real friends than I can count
I am not a tool... I don't get used
I'm not a jerk or an *******.... just really flirty
I'm sorry if you read this whole post and thought it was useless,
But i spent quite some time typgin this up too
I hope to all of you that you will be more successful than me in the future. I wish you guys good luck
If I can do it,
ANYONE can do it....
***** I also had a mental illness in high school *****
Update 7/28: I've changed so much more from before when I first wrote this post in a better way, Ill spill the beans later.
That was really inspiring. I hope you stick around and contribute to the forums.
I am truly happy for you. :drunk
Thanks for the post. :)
awesome story man.
but what would you recommend if we already graduated college (very recently) and cant do the same thing you did in your break down?
When in Rome, they say...
But hey, if you're truly happy, how can I argue with that?
I feel like so much of what you described was an act of 'conforming', and I have been reluctant to change my interests or myself to be more appealing to the larger part of society. I don't want to be a 'loser', but I fiercely defend my right to be a 'freak'.
Have your interests changed much over the years, or can you still find an outlet for the old loves of your 'loser' days, such as Runescape?
I hope this doesn't come off as condescending, because that's certainly not my intention. I'm aware that my unwillingness to adhere to many social expectations has a great deal to do with my estrangement from society, and that is just a fact, good or bad. I would like to be able to just come out into the world as exactly who I am inside, and not care whether this was acceptable to others.
And I'm not talking about hygiene so much, I'm already a slave to that. But, I could definitely dress in more stylish/conservative ways if I wanted to really stop "drawing attention" to myself.
Even though I haven't graduated yet, I've seen a lot of my brothers who graduated this year as well as a lot of alumni who come down and around a lot.
In your situation, I would keep on putting yourself in the social environment. The first few times, you can just sit there and not say anything and observe. It could be as easy as walking into a grocery store or a best buy/ electronics store.
Be comfortable with seeing people around you and feeling people around you. The next step I would try to accomplish is to have a few lines with the cashier thats working there after you buy something or just asking them for help or what not. I would keep it short and try to be as natural as can be (ex: don't be extremely nervous, don't think of everything you're going to say before the conversation starts.). Just keep it going and it doesn't have to be fast. Pause for a second or two before you respond to his comments.
I know this can be pretty hard for you because it was hard for me too, until I learned how to stop thinking too much. I believe that a lot of the stress you and me sometimes develop around people is from thinking too much. SO DON'T THINK... just do :)
I've come a long way from just doing. The girls I manage to hook with a lot of times... I say 3 words and I get them onto me.
Non-Verbal communication / body language is what a lot of people need to work on too!
So maybe Just work on your body language when you walk into the store and say a word. That could be your first step to the right step!
I feel as if conforming to society is the first couple steps in transforming the self confident and social you.
After being able to tell myself I am able to hold decent conversations with so called "normal" or "popular" people I just met, and I feel comfortable with my self and confidence level was where it should be, I began to stop comforming to society. Not that I rebeled in taking showers, but I began to take interests such as juggling and other geeky acts. I was able to not only build my relationships with people without thie disorder, but I was able to build better relationships with geeks and losers such as myself.
After my transformation and to my own knowledge, I am JUST AS UNIQUE as I was before i started to "conform" to society. I still play runescape form time to time,but now I treasure all my real life relationships more because I have actual physical contact with them.
i am now able to do whatever I want, even the most "loserish" activity and it would not feel weird to me and no one would even think for a second I was like the person I used to be.
So to answer your question, I feel as if you need to be able to EXPRESS YOURSELF FREELY before you can become the REAL YOU.
Hope that answers your question!
This sounds absolutely amazing! I would really like to know just how you did it. It would be awesome to not feel constrained to please a specific group/sector in society. I think some of it for me is that I'm overly sensitive to what I think people expect from me, and feel like I'll either be accepted by them completely or rejected completely. Since it's 'all or nothing' for me, I usually think 'nothing' is easier.
Like the commenter before me, I don't have a new start in college to look forward to. I'm already half-way through my degree, and I've proven myself to be just as shy and lonely there as I was in highschool (even more than in highschool, honestly).
It seems like self-confidence and the willingness to be open/expressive and try new things is really key here.
I really think some positive thinking could go a far far way for you. If you think you'll get rejected by them, you absolutely will be rejected by them. If you think you can fit in with them and you act like you already fit in with them... thats a whole different scenario. It's all in the mindset and as I pointed out in the original post more than once....
the "I don't give a crap" mindset goes a long way
The very definition of confidence lies in those very words. To be confident is to not care what anyone thinks of you. If you think its right to do it, then do it. Disregard all thoughts about what other people think of you.
Its hard for me to accept too, but I do see a lot of truth into this theory...
- People are more preoccupied with themself and their life than judging what hundreds of people they see a day and deciding if they want to reject them or not.
... So the moral of that is... Don't make a small thing into this huge big thing because chances are... They are going to forget about it and not care as much as you. So what's the point of giving every ounce of energy you get just to even begin thinking in your own mind what other people think of you? Exactly , There is none.
And yea, doing "nothing" is a lot easier than to say the first hi or give a hug or do anything that involves touching the other person... In your mind and in a lot of other people's minds.
But in my mind... Whats so special about the way I think is that I've began to feel the complete opposite.
Hear me out:
It's SO MUCH HARDER to not do anything and to not be friends with someone. Why? you may ask. Its actually quite simple
Think of the benefits of not saying hi.... there is none. You will have butterfiles in your stomach. you won't feel accomplished. Then you will feel low about yourself. And then before you know it, it goes into a whole cycle over and over again. That puts SO MUCH STRESS and strain that my body can't deal with anymore and it's surely the same for you.
So it's actually a lot EASIER to say hi and have a friendly conversation.
No stress for yourself. On top of that, you don't need to care about what happened in the conversation because of the above mentality? And you might have the chance of gaining a new friend? Awesome.
And I'm halfway done with my degree too. But do you know what? You can start fresh EVERYDAY. Be a new you. There are probably THOUSANDS of other people to say hit to. Just look around you, you will notice. Just because I get a hi and a hug every few seconds to minute or so does not mean there arent more people that dont know who I am. Because there is. And that is your chance to start off new.. because you won't know who the person is and the person wont know you.
yea but i messed up in college now what? i new this going into college, ok adam, now you can be whoever you wanna be!!!! Last week of the semester im still that quiet guy and didnt make any connections. I dropped out last month and yea things havnt gotten better.
Please believe that it's not over and you can change into who you want to be socially.
Just take tiny steps. My change wasn't in a day or even a month and you shouldn't expect it either.
Look at the last paragraph I wrote to Luctus and combine that with the one I wrote to Irebat.
remember... Everyday is a new day. And a new day is one step closer to that new you. Start TODAY because there will be a tomorrow... but why wait and procrastinate?
You sound like quite the casanoava,
keep it up:))
SA goes beyond women
I understand what SA is about. I had it.
I found that most of what made me feel depressed all the time and the inability to make any sort of friend, male or female, was relationships.
I wish I read this when I was a freshman instead of a recent college graduate :( My social anxiety was crippling in college, it wasn't as simple as "getting self confidence". I couldn't even get myself to leave my dorm room. I really didn't overcome it until junior year, but at that point I was pretty much alienated from any possibility of going to parties and such. You were fortunate to have been in a striving social environment like a Fraternity.
It looks as if you've made some improvement from when you were a freshman. I was right there with you when you say you couldn't leave your dorm room. My mental illness mixed with a heck load of paranoid thoughts made my life so much incredibly harder to walk into society. I'm so glad I was an inpatient at a mental hospital because that helped me tons too when I was there and people were having somewhat of the same problems as me.
Little steps is what got me where I wanted to be, but being able to go out of your dorm without anyone forcing you to is huge.
Keep it up!
I'm very impressed by your maturity at age 19, and the fact that even with your success you;ve come to this forum to help people.
Congratulations pudz. That's cool that you were able to make such big changes. Like some others, I am a recent graduate a college, and know that it is easier said than done. Though, I made friends with my roommates in college and a few others, I really didn't drastically improve my SA or hook-up with any girls :(
It's inspiring and all, but I'm 28 and I entered college right out of HS. And things haven't changed for me; I've been to three different colleges, and have felt out of place in all three of them.
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