I Went On A Date!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fellow SASers, I did it! I went on a date!!!
It is quite a long story, and I won't get into the background right now, but safe to say that I had again come to a place where I had 0 belief in my ability to date and attract someone and converse. I didn't believe in myself and I was attached to the past and unable to confront my fears and face the unknown. I felt like a loser, socially inept, like a degenerate.
But even knowing that I was a in a crappy place with 0 belief, low self-esteem, no self-love, I did it anyway. I decided to make a profile on Plenty Of Fish. I thought it was worth a shot. I messaged a bunch of girls. A few responded. Many ignored me. And eventually I was able to talk to this one girl. After a couple weeks of chatting online, I suggested we go out. She agreed and we arranged a date. Now this was a week in advance and for that whole week, I was so nervous, so petrified of doing it. What if I lost my train of thought? What if I come across as awkward? What if she thinks I'm boring, a total loser? All those automatic negative thoughts invaded my brain.
Nevertheless, this past Wednesday, I got in my car, dragged myself to the restaurant, and met her there. Long story short. I ended up not being nearly as anxious as I thought I was gonna be. I was able to talk, joke around, and be some semblance of myself. I actually had a pretty good time! The only problem was that we were gonna go back to my car (presumably to do something) but I couldn't find it and that was quite embarrassing and awkward having to walk and look around. I think that killed the vibe a bit. I don't know if I'll get a second date from her, but I don't care because I'm just happy I was able to do this and prove to myself that I can do this.
I'm more writing this for me, so I can take some time and give myself credit because I'm always so hard on myself and always blame myself. I realize in order to live the life I want, I need to work at acknowledging my accomplishments in order to build some momentum and change my negative core beliefs.
It's so interesting, as I've matured into my mid 20s, to be able to recognize my automatic negative patterns (e.g. being a perfectionist, only focusing on the negative things, not giving myself any credit, being too hard on myself) when they come up. Now however, I feel like I'm able to identify and correct them. I'm in control, and it's a freeing feeling when you take responsibility for your results, instead of waddling in a state of learned helplessness.
So my friends, I hope this offers you hope. I know dating is probably the hardest thing to do for us people with SA. But if I could do this, I know you can do it too!
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
― Mark Twain