Social Anxiety Forum

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-   -   I want to change (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/i-want-to-change-2096761/)

mamut123 10-18-2017 09:28 AM

I want to change
 
I want to open up and invite people to my life. I don't really have social anxiety, but I don't know anyone, I don't have friends or anyone to talk to. I isolated myself, so much that I don't understand outside world anymore. I would like to start meeting people, but I don't know how. Does anyone know how to start meeting new people when you definitely look depressed, cannot laugh and have no social life? I work and go to school, but those are the only topics that come to my mind. Will I be more happy and joyful after I start hanging out with people?
Any help would be appreciated.

Ms kim 10-18-2017 09:59 PM

Hi
Why did you isolate yourself from others in the first place?

mamut123 10-18-2017 10:45 PM

Hi,
I don't have anything in common with other people. I have lived in social isolation for years, so I don't understand how I should behave or what to say. People at work want me to get involved in social events, but it doesn't bring me joy. It is just another resposibility I have to fulfill. Unfortunately it is the most difficult one, because I never know what to say or how to be witty. After a couple of weeks, coworkers just start being mean to me, because I don't want to go to work parties and stuff like that. I would love to be able to have fun and laugh with others, but I don't know how to start moving in this direction. I don't know how to approach someone and make them my friend or girlfriend. I guess I just have to have something in common with them, but I don't, because I live in isolation. It is the running in circle that has been driving me crazy for years and I want it to stop.

mamut123 10-19-2017 09:35 AM

I don't know why I isolated myself in the beginning. It started when I was 13 or 14 years old. When I was in primary school I used to make other people laugh and I was a class clown. I used to make my friends laugh, my teachers, my family. I don't remember why I stopped hanging out with people and stopped being joyful. I guess I just didn't follow what everyone was doing. Everyone was starting to make friend with kids from other schools. Guys were trying to impress girls and I was just absorbed with learning what later became my job. I guess my passion for learning, lack of good looks, poverty and passive personality took over and made me feel bad about myself that later turned into depression and social anxiety. I don't have social anxiety anymore, but because of so many years of avoiding people I just forgot how to be a person.

Ms kim 10-19-2017 10:56 PM

Besides work, what other activities do you do? You say you live in isolation. Where are your parents & other relatives?

mamut123 10-21-2017 01:10 AM

On weekends I go to university. On week days, after work I work out (I built my small home gym). I prepare meals for work, I clean etc. My parents live in the same city as I do. I sometimes talk with them and I also sometimes talk with my brother who lives in a different city.

Ms kim 10-22-2017 01:21 AM

You cook & you clean & you work out? That's lovely :) I don't think you're too depressed or else you would perhaps have a lack of interest in these activities. Well that's a start. You're interesting already.

Congratulations on focusing on your studies. So now you have a career you love? I hope.

But I'm a little confused. You say you don't have social anxiety, yet when your co workers try to be friends with you, you shun them & you think social events are burdensome. But if you don't start going out & hanging around others then how will you learn to socialize?

mamut123 10-22-2017 11:43 PM

I don't have much in common with anyone. I cannot sustain a 10 min conversation, so hanging around for hours feels impossible to me. Also whenever I am somewhere where I don't want to be I get angry. I feel like socializing is a good thing, but I lack the actual need for it. I just have an image of a person that needs to hang out with someone at least once a week or they go crazy and I want to imitate this. I don't have this need, but I think that I should have it, like it is the way to go. I feel if I won't do something now I will stay separated from everyone else forever. On the other hand I have to fight with who I am.
Often you can find people who are shy, but would like to have someone. They just can't make first move because of their shyness. I'm not like that. I don't have a problem approaching people, starting conversations, arranging meetings. The thing is that I have nothing to say to anyone. I can talk about topics that I prepared beforehand, but I just can never truly connect with anyone. So eating dinner with my coworkers is necessary evil, but when they invite me somewhere, it is a whole another level. It feels to me like my work takes my life away, because of events like that.

Ms kim 10-23-2017 11:59 PM

If you dont have anxiety issues, then half your battle is already won. I Ithink you should go out more with your coworkers, just to practice being socal, if that's what you want.

Try doing some research online about having conversations and just practice & it will become natural. It's just like how we are having this conversation.

You only have 6 posts. So you haven't been too active. You can comment in any thread you are interested in. It's also a way of developing your social skills.

teuton 10-24-2017 12:01 PM

I had social anxiety and fear my entire life, but I also had situations how you describe without any fear but just didn't knew what to say and not being able to be interested in what other people are talking.

For some time now I try to be with people as much as I can, I almost never refuse and invitation to socializing. I noticed that as more as I did that the rare where the situation described above, so also without fear you can have social issues, so you need to hang out with people more.

Just try to find some environment to train in talking with other people, fail and again, fail and again... and so on... Without fear should be easy I would say, but maybe a bit boring :)

mamut123 10-25-2017 10:47 PM

Thank you both for advise. Maybe I will find some kind of group activity and start there.

thebenevolentmobsterjolly 11-01-2017 01:11 PM

Good luck sir!

Greys0n 11-13-2017 04:58 AM

It's good that you want to change. Mostly ppl just whining on the life situation and not ready to change. I suggest you to get a Mantastic Life life coach . He or she can help you create change in your life. Life caching is all about pointing out your deepest shortcomings and fixing them at the root. Just give it a try.


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