I gave the eulogy at my Mom's funeral
My mom died very suddenly last Friday. I'm sure I'm not the only person on this forum for whom saying "I was close to my mom" is an understatement. I live with my parents. My mom was my best friend, and this shock was devastating. From the moment we started making funeral plans I knew I'd give a eulogy. There wasn't a question about that, even though I haven't spoken in front of a room full of people in about 20 years. I have avoidant personality disorder. I don't do stuff like this...ever. But I HAD to. I sat up Sunday night and the words flowed for me. I don't know where they came from, but the words were more eloquent than I thought I had the capacity to write.
The night before the funeral I couldn't sleep well. I only managed an hour and a half I think. But I knew I wouldn't back out of doing this, the way I've backed out of a million other important things during my life. I wanted to do this for her. I think maybe people on this board will understand me when I say she supported a daughter, that by society's standard was abnormal; I'm not a bad person, but I definitely don't behave in the typical way.
She supported me despite my problems. She never made me feel like she wasn't proud of me as a person. She wanted more for me, but that's just it, FOR ME. Even though me achieving the usual milestones in life would have made her happy, she once told me (not more than 6 months ago actually) that she loved me and that I was more than enough and she was proud of who I am.
During the funeral I felt numb. I couldn't cry. I felt horrible because I felt the sadness but I couldn't cry for some reason. I felt on display in a room where 75% of the people were either strangers or people I very vaguely knew from a long time ago. I just kind of stared sadly at the floor wishing for the day to be over so I could go home and be alone. Then the time came and it was a now or never moment to speak what I had written. I started to worry the words I felt were right wouldn't be received the way I meant them, or worse that I'd mispronounce words and ruin the flow of what I wanted to say. I walked up to the front of the room with my sister, she would be speaking too. I decided to go first. I took two deep breaths and somehow steeled myself. I read my eulogy and it came out perfectly. The tears came from nowhere, I didn't feel them coming until they were just there. And my voice was strong and sure, and the words felt like I was saying them right to her. And I felt like I was honoring her in a way I didn't think I was capable of. I've been a mess of a person nearly my entire life. But she was always there loving me, the look she gave me time and time again I carry with me. She watched me sometimes and I'd see endearment there. Like my flaws were endearing to her. She saw me as I am, and she found love there for me somehow.
My family and the people I knew well actually said they thought my speech was beautiful. I felt proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. I've always felt so ashamed that I can't be "normal" I felt like I finally got something right in life. And it ended up being for the person who meant more to me than anyone else ever has.
I know this post is rambling on and on, so I apologize for that. I just needed to unload these feelings and I thought maybe this would be a safe place to do it. Thank you for listening.