I asked someone out for the first time... - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-15-2013, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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I asked someone out for the first time...


Mid way through last week, a guy in my dorm who I see often was studying in the same room I was. I find him very attractive, and I am very aware of what others around me do, so I couldn't help but notice the glances. So, I asked a few of my friends what I should do later that day, and they said I should ask him out.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, where my friends tell me to do something that makes me anxious. Usually I chicken out, but this time I decided to just do it. So the next day I noticed him get up from his seat and he was heading back to his room, and I speed walked to catch up to him and ask him out to coffee. On my way, I'm basically panicking, all I remember in my head was thinking "There's still time, you can turn around!" but something kept pushing me forward.

I like to think I'm good at reading people's faces, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't get angry or anything. He didn't, and said he doesn't like coffee. I took the hint, and said thanks for being nice about it (he thanked me as well), and went on my way. But it's the first time I've effectively overridden my anxiety. Amazingly enough, the night before I planned so much stuff out in my head, and none of it went the way I expected. Just goes to show, you can't always stay in your head and hope to get somewhere with it.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-15-2013, 09:49 PM
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I'm basically panicking, all I remember in my head was thinking "There's still time, you can turn around!" but something kept pushing me forward.
Well done, it's never easy getting out of your comfort zone, but just like anything else you have to be willing to do it if you ever want to improve. If you want a tip, it's usually good to act right away. When you act fast enough you skip the emotional messages that may be sent by your subconscious that would normally try to stop you or make you think up some excuses that make no sense in reality.

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I like to think I'm good at reading people's faces, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't get angry or anything. He didn't, and said he doesn't like coffee. I took the hint, and said thanks for being nice about it (he thanked me as well), and went on my way.
It's great that you didn't take it personal, some people read too much into a situation and end up feeling rejected.

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But it's the first time I've effectively overridden my anxiety. Amazingly enough, the night before I planned so much stuff out in my head, and none of it went the way I expected. Just goes to show, you can't always stay in your head and hope to get somewhere with it.
Precisely, planning everything out is bad. When you make a plan for yourself and somehow it doesn't go your way during your interaction you lose your step and start to panic. It's OK to think of an opener or to adjust yourself during a conversation by trying to think of your next move though.

I live by the Knight's Code, so should you.

"A person's world is only as big as their heart."
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-15-2013, 10:57 PM
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Way to go, and way to be a pro about it.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 12:23 AM
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Mid way through last week, a guy in my dorm who I see often was studying in the same room I was. I find him very attractive, and I am very aware of what others around me do, so I couldn't help but notice the glances. So, I asked a few of my friends what I should do later that day, and they said I should ask him out.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, where my friends tell me to do something that makes me anxious. Usually I chicken out, but this time I decided to just do it. So the next day I noticed him get up from his seat and he was heading back to his room, and I speed walked to catch up to him and ask him out to coffee. On my way, I'm basically panicking, all I remember in my head was thinking "There's still time, you can turn around!" but something kept pushing me forward.

I like to think I'm good at reading people's faces, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't get angry or anything. He didn't, and said he doesn't like coffee. I took the hint, and said thanks for being nice about it (he thanked me as well), and went on my way. But it's the first time I've effectively overridden my anxiety. Amazingly enough, the night before I planned so much stuff out in my head, and none of it went the way I expected. Just goes to show, you can't always stay in your head and hope to get somewhere with it.
ok im confused. are you gay?

In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Well done, it's never easy getting out of your comfort zone, but just like anything else you have to be willing to do it if you ever want to improve. If you want a tip, it's usually good to act right away. When you act fast enough you skip the emotional messages that may be sent by your subconscious that would normally try to stop you or make you think up some excuses that make no sense in reality.
It pretty much was right away. I hesitated only for a few moments before doing it, but it felt really good after. The way I saw it, there were only two real outcomes. He would either reject me, which I would (and did) quickly get over, or he would say yes, which would have been worth the anxiety many times over.


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It's great that you didn't take it personal, some people read too much into a situation and end up feeling rejected.
I knew better than that, I expect my success rate of asking guys out to be quite low.

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Precisely, planning everything out is bad. When you make a plan for yourself and somehow it doesn't go your way during your interaction you lose your step and start to panic. It's OK to think of an opener or to adjust yourself during a conversation by trying to think of your next move though.
Yes, I've slowly noticed that and this situation especially brought that aspect to light. Planning social interactions out never seems to work for me, because there are just too many variables. I try to relate something bad (social skills) with something good (academics) in terms of predictability, and then it just goes to ****. The panic is real when you miss something!

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ok im confused. are you gay?
Yes ma'am.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 06:54 AM
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Yes ma'am.
I was wondering this as well. I imagine that can make things more difficult, as you never know if the other person is too. So it's just one more reason you might be turned down.

On the other hand, if they turn you down because they're not gay, you know it's nothing personal.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 08:52 AM
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Hi, I'm new around here, just read your post. I think it's amazing what you did and I applaud the way you handled rejection.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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I was wondering this as well. I imagine that can make things more difficult, as you never know if the other person is too. So it's just one more reason you might be turned down.

On the other hand, if they turn you down because they're not gay, you know it's nothing personal.
Well, I've been told that I'm attractive. I have confidence in my looks, confidence in social situations is what's lacking. I do a good job of faking it when I need to, though, so I just assumed he was straight. I don't think I would be much more upset if he was gay and just didn't find my attractive, can't really help that anyways.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 12:00 PM
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Well, I've been told that I'm attractive. I have confidence in my looks, confidence in social situations is what's lacking. I do a good job of faking it when I need to, though, so I just assumed he was straight. I don't think I would be much more upset if he was gay and just didn't find my attractive, can't really help that anyways.
Good attitude.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 02:28 PM
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Stuff like this really encourages me. It shows that our worst fears, are really only in our heads. I heard this about fear at church that fear is actually, "False Evidence Appearing Real." I've had to learn this and I'm still learning it. How one reacts to rejection or what we perceive as rejection is within each person's control. We don't have to take it personally, because how we feel about our attractiveness and who we are is not determined by anyone else but ourselves. Thank you for sharing.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Stuff like this really encourages me. It shows that our worst fears, are really only in our heads. I heard this about fear at church that fear is actually, "False Evidence Appearing Real." I've had to learn this and I'm still learning it. How one reacts to rejection or what we perceive as rejection is within each person's control. We don't have to take it personally, because how we feel about our attractiveness and who we are is not determined by anyone else but ourselves. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, glad I could help in any way. I think most people have knowledge of how society views their attractiveness, and base their perceptions of themselves off of that knowledge. While I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, a lot of people don't recognize that confidence and other attributes are factored in, not just physical beauty. Some of those things are harder to see in ourselves, because our friends and family don't really mention it -- the tiny nuances that make you the person you are.

When you ask a couple that are truly happy in their relationship what they love best about the other person, it's not their chiseled abs, large breasts, perfect hair, or a super strong eyebrow game. It's the way s/he looks at me in the morning, the sparkle in their eye when they see me, the kindness of their heart. These are usually not things that you can tell just by looking at a persons face, and sometimes they are only present to the most keen observer.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 09:56 PM
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 09:27 AM
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Thanks, glad I could help in any way. I think most people have knowledge of how society views their attractiveness, and base their perceptions of themselves off of that knowledge. While I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, a lot of people don't recognize that confidence and other attributes are factored in, not just physical beauty. Some of those things are harder to see in ourselves, because our friends and family don't really mention it -- the tiny nuances that make you the person you are.

When you ask a couple that are truly happy in their relationship what they love best about the other person, it's not their chiseled abs, large breasts, perfect hair, or a super strong eyebrow game. It's the way s/he looks at me in the morning, the sparkle in their eye when they see me, the kindness of their heart. These are usually not things that you can tell just by looking at a persons face, and sometimes they are only present to the most keen observer.
This is so true! You are young but have some wisdom/knowledge beyond your years. I'm just beginning to understand this. If more of us understood this our self esteem/self images would be so much better.
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