Today i just realized the reason for the way ive acted my whole life:Self Sabotage.I realized that i would always try my hardest to do good and then inevitably i would make myself fail.All the bad experiences i have gone through,the drugs, hanging with the wrong people, the terrible sleep patterns,not being able to keep commitments for long periods,shutting myself off from the world,using other voids and the isolation barrier between people has all been created by me sub-conciously to recreate the pain of my low self sense of worth from childhood.
With people i have always felt outcasted,lower,weaker and all my whole hearted concious attempts at making an effort were shot down by my sub concious desire to hurt myself.Not physically but mentally/emotionally.I can't believe how long it took me to figure out but its so difficult to see the patterns in yourself, even if you've been doing them a lifetime.
I got in an discussion/argument with my mum this morning because i was going to work and hadn't slept.She mentioned i had a pattern of self sabotage and it clicked something in me, all my emotions,thoughts and feelings fired up inside and i flipped out.I went out back, i cried man because i saw all the reasons i had hurt myself my entire life due to my low sense of worth and then it just disappeared.I felt completely alive, i dropped a lifetime of pain it was an incredible feeling.I then cancelled work(with the return of an angry boss)went to sleep and now im awake again.My body and thoughts are in a weird state but my throat doesn't have a tightness anymore,i feel lighter and much more confident,something has changed.
I can't explain it, i don't think she realized how bad my self sabotage was how it determined everything ive done.I even found that now i could look her in the eye...the hatred for my mum has dropped a bit.I'm going to say there is right now a reason for your anxiety, its not a personality defect or something wrong with you theres a pain in our hearts that has to be overcome. I believe this 100% true
, i'm sure i will be back here to post how i interact with people now.Just keep in mind i've been trying to find out the core reasons for my problems for awhile and i was having old feelings pop up as of very recent, maybe it was just inevitable to come up and all i needed was that final hint.
May you all find the courage to escape from your own suffering and face your fears.My heart literally goes out to everyone on this website.Peace and love to all.