Had a revelation - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-18-2011, 02:14 AM Thread Starter
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Had a revelation


Today i just realized the reason for the way ive acted my whole life:Self Sabotage.I realized that i would always try my hardest to do good and then inevitably i would make myself fail.All the bad experiences i have gone through,the drugs, hanging with the wrong people, the terrible sleep patterns,not being able to keep commitments for long periods,shutting myself off from the world,using other voids and the isolation barrier between people has all been created by me sub-conciously to recreate the pain of my low self sense of worth from childhood.

With people i have always felt outcasted,lower,weaker and all my whole hearted concious attempts at making an effort were shot down by my sub concious desire to hurt myself.Not physically but mentally/emotionally.I can't believe how long it took me to figure out but its so difficult to see the patterns in yourself, even if you've been doing them a lifetime.

I got in an discussion/argument with my mum this morning because i was going to work and hadn't slept.She mentioned i had a pattern of self sabotage and it clicked something in me, all my emotions,thoughts and feelings fired up inside and i flipped out.I went out back, i cried man because i saw all the reasons i had hurt myself my entire life due to my low sense of worth and then it just disappeared.I felt completely alive, i dropped a lifetime of pain it was an incredible feeling.I then cancelled work(with the return of an angry boss)went to sleep and now im awake again.My body and thoughts are in a weird state but my throat doesn't have a tightness anymore,i feel lighter and much more confident,something has changed.

I can't explain it, i don't think she realized how bad my self sabotage was how it determined everything ive done.I even found that now i could look her in the eye...the hatred for my mum has dropped a bit.I'm going to say there is right now a reason for your anxiety, its not a personality defect or something wrong with you theres a pain in our hearts that has to be overcome. I believe this 100% true, i'm sure i will be back here to post how i interact with people now.Just keep in mind i've been trying to find out the core reasons for my problems for awhile and i was having old feelings pop up as of very recent, maybe it was just inevitable to come up and all i needed was that final hint.

May you all find the courage to escape from your own suffering and face your fears.My heart literally goes out to everyone on this website.Peace and love to all.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-22-2011, 01:05 AM
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This was so beautiful to read. Keep looking after yourself. I guess we're all like books, we have the power to re-write ourselves, or paintings in that we can re-paint ourselves. In looking after yourself and appreciating yourself, you'll be able to be at peace with people more - that's what I've found. :-D
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-22-2011, 01:10 AM
ENTP with SA...How?
 
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Sooooo great for you. Ive been looking or that revalation or
clicl in my brain butnhavent found the catalyst yet. Ive never done drugs or hung out with any people.

But congratulations. I Envy you.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-22-2011, 05:08 AM
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thanks you are an adult now you will be forming new attitudes and such towards your life and the life and world around yourself and its imperative that you dont push the past to far inside sometimes i had to relive seemingly some ugly episodes from my past via memories that would cause me terrible emotions that i would parlay on those around me via a negative attitude or punishing so i thought those who i think had harmed me altough now i realise 99 percent of it was me not necessarily my fault but none the less my biology and make up and i wont apologize for being human no i wont. good luck keep it up!
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-08-2011, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks guys.Don't envy me man, its 100% in your power to have no anxiety.The thing that astonishes me is in 2 books i have psychologists saying"You cannot completely cure of yourself of SA, it has to be managed" That is absolute nonsense, it makes us think theres an uncurable problem and its a part of who we are and that its impossible to change.We can have shyness but that is not anxiety, i used to view shyness as weakness...what a load of bull****. Not 1 single human being on the planet naturally lives out of fear, it is only the conditions of our environment and how we react that make us this way.

I've had a huge transformation not only of anxiety but my whole state of mind.I have gone so deep into analyzing the way i am that i've understood alot about myself, the incredibly powerful subconcious illusions of our identities that seperate us from the world.That might sound a bit nutty but let me assure you that is only our perceptions of the world created by our minds that cause these fears and anxieties.These belief systems of self worth are so deeply ingrained in our psychs and it plagues the human population, not just SA sufferers.

I don't have a problem talking to people anymore, i do not judge myself through others eyes and i am content with myself.If i hear the voice in myself of "oh ****!its him!" i can detach from it and see the voice for what it really is.I realize its completely automated, it arises out of limited views of myself and is total ignorance to the greater picture of life.It has taken extreme mental discipline.I always asked myself very deeply for years "why can't i change?".After a long gradual process things become clear.We must delve deep and find the root causes of our suffering.

I consider watching Zeitgeist Moving Forward youtube.The first 40 minutes talks about human behaviours,nature and might help you understand ALOT about yourself.Plus And well i think every single person on the planet should watch these movies anyway,no matter how powerful anxiety there is it brings a degree of unity that if people are open to accept anyone can come to understand.

Love or fear. Once you see theres actually a choice in the matter choose your path.Peace everyone.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-08-2011, 01:01 PM
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that's awesome


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamtown View Post
Thanks guys.Don't envy me man, its 100% in your power to have no anxiety.The thing that astonishes me is in 2 books i have psychologists saying"You cannot completely cure of yourself of SA, it has to be managed" That is absolute nonsense, it makes us think theres an uncurable problem and its a part of who we are and that its impossible to change.We can have shyness but that is not anxiety, i used to view shyness as weakness...what a load of bull****. Not 1 single human being on the planet naturally lives out of fear, it is only the conditions of our environment and how we react that make us this way.
I think you may be hung up on semantics. Shyness and anxiety could be one in the same as there are quite a few titles out there that use shyness interchangeably with anxiety. Although if you look at their definitions separately, anxiety is the more 'potent' word and is more appropriate IMO.

And I think it is completely realistic for a psychologist to say that anxiety has to be managed. After all, nearly everyone has some degree of it. You aren't going to live in some willy-nilly world where everything is peaches and cream! It makes sense to get nervous going for an interview, a date, making a large investment etc. That's normal. We know it is, and that isn't new by any stretch of the imagination. Anxiety is a very human issue, but having excessive amounts to the point of withdrawal, that's obviously where it becomes a problem.

That being said, you should feel very proud that you've been able to overcome debilitating anxiety!! It's a huge accomplishment and something that I too cherish with each stepping stone. I'll put your video on the 'watch' list. As much time as I waste on the computer these days, I had better steep my brain in interesting material.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it." --Mark Twain
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