Finally stopped "not feeling good enough" - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-30-2006, 05:52 PM Thread Starter
 
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Finally stopped "not feeling good enough"


Been seeing this quote a lot and knowing that I have said it myself, so I thought I'd post how I address my own personal problem to assist others. I donít wish to give people advice, because some advice from others has worked against me in the past. Hopefully it will give you a better perspective on how to tackle this problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by "Strange ReligionĒ
Yeah, it's terrible to not feel "good enough".
I've been dealing with that problem forever.
Life would be so much easier if I was comfortable with who I am.
I feel a similar thing too. Id always be paranoid of what others were doing, and making absolutely sure that I was doing it at their level.

Now there is a temptation to be better than everyone, to be the cool guy/gal, to be that little bit better than everyone. So if you take pride initially in being better, in the event of failure, you'll see yourself as not worthy of pride, or not good. And you'll deny any result in any task which didn't reflect your pride in being good. And you will spend the rest of your time trying harder and harder to regain your pride

I did this for a very long time, until I realized that I was originally tempted to be the best (didnít realize that I was acting that way, I saw huge value in success, and I was obsessed to attain that). And that temptation put unbelievable pressure on me, enough to be turned off a task (like talking to people). Because it wouldnít live up to my pride (I thought I was a humorous person, funnier that most people), or worse I'd think my way though something to achieve it (i.e. I'd try to think really hard, for something funny to say while I was talking to someone, and pass it off as being natural).

Then I swallowed my pride......I know it sounds like giving up. But I said to myself after trying to talk to someone, "I'm not the best at talking". I gave up my ambition to be a good speaker (better than others). Once that pride was gone, I was left with myself, so I started being myself. I have no reassurance that I will succeed in the future, but I have no reassurances that I will fail in the future either. I am open to the possibility of being myself, instead of being the best.

So Failure and Success werenít an issue because if I failed, "thatís what I did as myself at that time", not "I cant believe that happened, I was good, I need to try harder". And with success: "Thatís what I did at that time", not "This is what I have been try for all my life". I have no need to be good enough. I had made being myself the same reward as I would have previously for winning.

The best example of this is a sore loser in sport. They are certain that they can do it. They have pride in their potential, so much that they see this as the start of their success now and in the future games. They are so much more dedicated than the others. They have trained hard enough to be the best. They fail and lose their pride. They revise their mistakes and go back to the game and try again to regain their pride. And they fail again. They see that they never win. Its insulting to continue to believe that they can be good enough.

Or they can swallow their pride, and say that being the best isn't important. And then it doesn't matter if you succeed or fail(very huge step to believe it). They are now left with themselves and not what they feel they have to be. No matter weather they fail or succeed they are still themselves. They are not afraid to open themselves up to risk success and failure because it doesn't matter anymore. They stop being what they unrealistically want to be (better than others), and start being themselves.

So I'm now doing much better at my tasks, I have been tempted to boast when I have succeded, and I have been tempted to call myself not good enough. But with each mistake, swallowing my pride and accepting that I have just did that. Is the best thing I have done yet.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-13-2007, 04:39 PM
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I can relate, I am exactly like this, there finally I find someone with the same problem, thought I was alone, thank you so much for your post

We are all put to the test, but it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer. (From the movie, The Edge)
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-15-2007, 05:59 PM
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It's called 'all or nothing' thinking. I struggle with the same kind of thoughts. You explained it very well. It's linked with perfectionism and low self-esteem. I guess once you realize your not better or worse than anyone, but equal you will start to regain your pride and self-esteem. What I'm doing to try to fight this is constantly think of a good trait that I have and then think on something I still need to work on. This keeps me in between the two extreme thoughts.

"The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air"
~ Incubus
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