Finally spoke my mind to friend(small triumph) - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-14-2012, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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Finally spoke my mind to friend(small triumph)

I consider this a very small half-triumph because the other half is still in progress...

I've known this friend, I made online for about 10 years now. We chat almost every day, eventually we knew each other enough that we began sending letters and gifts to each other for a number of years. Then once I became more comfortable with using a phone, we started texting each other whenever possible. We did finally meet each other, my family and I took a road trip and we visited her and her family(they invited us for a little BBQ), that was 4 years ago. I really enjoyed the visit and getting to know her family a little better as well.

Things happen, we have our own struggles to deal with.

About 6 years ago when she met her current boyfriend and moved out for the first time, it is as if our friendship became something else. She started becoming less reliable and all those nice things we would or could do together started becoming less and less. It happened very gradually over time until the last few years it has been pretty rocky between us for various reasons. The only two things that I am happy for that she helped me with in this past year was to Skype with me for the first time. I never used Skype since it is near the top of my anxiety list. We had a long conversation which was a very successful one for me. The other time is most recently she had invited me to a group on Facebook just for women. Where they all help empower each other in whatever you are doing, non-judgemental and post positive and inspirational things. It really helps.. to an extent, maybe I am just a pessimist here because of the anxiety.

The triumph I am posting about is that our friendship has been on rocky grounds for quite some time, rather toxic I really hate to admit. I've got to know her enough and her flaws that I can deal with to an extent. Unfortunately, she crossed a line with me about it when I've seen how she deals with stress in her life, totally becomes selfish and not in a good way. I won't go in detail about any of it though. There is A LOT of stuff going on in both our lives right now to cause a lot of tension between us. So, I decided to take this opportunity for a break from the friendship to work on myself more. I stated twice in an email to her that I'd contact her when I feel ready to talk again(we hadn't spoken to each other in a whole month due to stress).

About a couple weeks go by and she doesn't respect that I need space, and messages me on MSN, asking if I would like to chat for awhile, but to not feel obligated to at all. I thought about it and I told myself "Sure, I'll see what she's up to and if she will talk to me about some long overdue things". That was a mistake, she wanted to video chat with a whole bunch of people simultaneously agreeing to talk to me about certain things. I really didn't like waiting in hour intervals for short responses because tweeting and video chatting is waaaay more important than a discussion to help understand and work out our issues after not talking to one another for a month.

I did something I don't normally do, which was to tell her exactly how I've been feeling for such a long time now. I abruptly ended the conversation after letting her know how that bothers me so much. I haven't spoken to her since then, and it's been two weeks now. I could have left it at that, but I decided I would give her one last time to redeem herself. A few days ago I left her an email doing something I wouldn't normally do by calling her out on all her bullsh*t behaviour. Stating that, if I am important to her and she wants me in her life then why does she not show it very often. I never said anything bad to her in it, I just was pretty direct with how I've been feeling lately. I feel so much relief from finally getting that out of my system to her(whether she will want to talk again or not, I feel better now)

I really hate giving up on people, but I will not be treated like this any longer. The second half of the triumph is that we won't be speaking to each other for a long time until she is ready to actually do something about it. She can talk to me when she feels truly ready for it, and if she doesn't at all then I won't be talking to her at all. I am willing to work out the toxic friendship we have, if she wants to remain friends with me so much. I am ready to move on either way. The ball is in her court now... I am just happy I found the confidence in myself enough to tell her what I've been thinking of for years now.

Sorry for the lengthy post, just wanted to tell the back-story so my triumph would make sense lol. In short, I was assertive for a change and called my only friend out on her behaviour since her actions speak much much louder than her words to me lately.

"Life is waiting for you, it's all messed up but we'll survive." - Life by Our Lady Peace
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-15-2012, 10:12 AM
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Wow, it really takes some guts to stand up for yourself to a very old friend like that. Congrats! You definitely don't deserve to be taken for granted, even in such a long-standing friendship. I really hope you can work things out with her. I think you did the right thing, but it'd be a shame if your friendship didn't recover from this.

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-15-2012, 10:18 AM
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Way to go!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-16-2012, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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I am just tired of her taking me for granted and I've stated that to her numerous times. She just doesn't get it with how it bothers me so much. I always get a story of how stressed she is, or just too busy or overwhelmed. The thing is, she has been aware of it, but hasn't really done much of anything about it. She often tells how horrible of a friend she is, etc.. and I've had to tell her several times. She isn't a horrible friend, there are just some things she needs to work on, but she didn't want any help at all so I left it be for awhile. I know she has it in her and that I just needed to finally spell it out to her that I am done tolerating those things anymore.

I was trying to help her see that about herself and the only way is to stop talking to her for the time being. She had lost her job, a bunch of animals and her grandfather all in April/May and I wanted to be there for her at the time, but she didn't want me to be since I'm negative, apparently. She doesn't want negative conversations. I had been trying to tell her that the reason it is negative is because of our toxic friendship, to which I am willing to work out if she truly wants to make things better instead of avoiding it so much.

Regardless of her situation and her own stress, our situation as friends hasn't changed much for a number of years and she continues to be like that, which feeds the frustration further. I am all for personal growth and I accept her for who she is and her flaws, but taking a friend for granted in the process I will not tolerate any longer.

She had planned and is going on a trip in August(next month) to see some of these people she's been so overly social with online(which I am upset with since we had talked about visiting again - with her visiting me this time). I know I won't be hearing much from her next month anyway. It is just common sense that if you are needing time to sort everything out and to just be 'here' for you for awhile, that you not drag other people along with you for the ride, which is what she has been doing to me. So, as stated previously, she can talk to me when she is ready to take responsibility for her actions and get her act together since I do not support it any longer.

I need to focus on myself more, and this is part of what I need to do - stand up for myself to my friend. It isn't like I have blocked her out of my life since she can easily contact me again in multiple ways. I just won't be initiating anything with her until she truly wants to discuss all of this with me. I have my own things to worry about right now too.

"Life is waiting for you, it's all messed up but we'll survive." - Life by Our Lady Peace
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