After YEARS of heartache, struggle, and pain, I went on a date!!! - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-09-2016, 08:57 PM Thread Starter
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After YEARS of heartache, struggle, and pain, I went on a date!!!


My friends, let this be a testament of hope to all who struggle in this area of your life. Let me tell you all something. After nearly 4 years 0 success, after so many rejections, after so much pain, I finally got a date! I finally did it!
The date went surprisingly well! I was anxious but quickly calmed down. I was able to joke around with her, make her laugh, develop a connection, and for the most part, be myself. Of course it wasn't all perfect. There were times where I had nothing to say, times where my mind went blank. And there was a moment where I knew I should have gone for the kiss but was too afraid to. But I learned so much and gained such valuable experience. On top of that, she did say she wanted to see me again!
But here's the truth and yes the truth hurts. The truth is that it's not easy! You're going to have to go through a lot of pain, a lot of lonely nights, a lot of tears shed. There are going to be times where you want to give up. Trust me. For the past several months, I was suffering from learned helplessness. I thought, what's the point. I keep getting rejected over and over again. But I fought through and finally broke through. You must must must have patience and persistence.
I will quickly go over what has happened. I must have asked out 30+ girls over the past 4 years (which may not seem like a lot, but to me it is) and none of them even gave me a date, not even a chance. Not only that, but a few of them agreed to a date and flaked at the last minute, which really stung. Others seemed like they wanted to go out only at the last minute to completely ignore me. I was so close so many times but at the last minute, everything fell through.
I will say though that I did have 1 previous relationship (which is a bit of a miracle), but it feels so long ago that I can no longer draw on that experience to help me. That relationship lasted for 6 months until she dumped me. The 2nd worst pain of my life (the 1st being me hitting rock bottom). So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had.
But all this pain has molded me into the person I am today. It has built my character and made me stronger, strong enough that I could drive to meet this girl and spend 4 hours 1 on 1, strong enough that I am able to detach from an outcome and let go if need be. Either way, whether she liked me or not, I knew I would be ok. I don't need her to be ok.
While this is a gigantic step after literally feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall for 4 long years, it is by no means the end. I still have so much to learn. I'm not expecting this to work out. The only thing I expect of myself is to continually learn and grow from each experience I get.
Lastly, keep in mind that for most of us with SA, dating is probably the most difficult thing to do. So expect slow progress. But if you keep going, even when you don't feel like it, even when nothing seems to be working, even when you want to give up, you will find a way. It's important to believe in your ability to figure things out as you go.
I hope my story not only helps you to believe in yourself, but catalyzes you to take action towards your goals and dreams. Seriously, if I could do this, you can too!

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
― Mark Twain
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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-09-2016, 09:02 PM
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Congrats bro. Your story is truly inspirational. I'm so glad you kept at it. People like you give me hope.

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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-09-2016, 09:30 PM
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So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had.
Good job m8, hope it turns into something for you. And what you said above is true.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-09-2016, 09:36 PM
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Congratulations! It's so awesome you've managed to siphon all of your experiences, the good and the bad, into progress toward a goal. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful accomplishment. Hang on to that attitude absolutely! Good luck!
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 12:06 AM
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Congrats dude.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 12:25 AM
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I can get dates, I just can't find the right girl. Never had a real relationship either. Props to you though.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 03:42 PM
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Thanks for the uplifting story. Congrats.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 07:10 PM
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Happy for you! It's not easy but being brave enough to do it is a big step in overcoming SA.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:28 PM
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Going on dates is EASY. Try having a vagina & sayin you're not interested in casual sex
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:36 PM
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It's been 4 months since this post, what ended up happening?
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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:43 PM
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Going on dates is EASY. Try having a vagina & sayin you're not interested in casual sex
I sort of agree, I've been on tons of dates. But....try saying you're a guy and you're not interested in casual sex. Lmao. See how that goes over. My days of wanting a ONS are over with, and there are women out there that just want casual sex. My last gf (who I've talked about quite a bit on this site, under another user name) is testament to that. Even when dating is not that difficult for you, imo, it becomes impossible when you're not only looking for someone you "click" with and can relate to, but someone you want a LTR with. ***ing impossible.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:51 PM
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I sort of agree, I've been on tons of dates. But....try saying you're a guy and you're not interested in casual sex. Lmao. See how that goes over. My days of wanting a ONS are over with, and there are women out there that just want casual sex. My last gf (who I've talked about quite a bit on this site, under another user name) is testament to that. Even when dating is not that difficult for you, imo, it becomes impossible when you're not only looking for someone you "click" with and can relate to, but someone you want a LTR with. ***ing impossible.
Not really sure what point you're trying to make, but I am a girl
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 05:59 PM
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Not really sure what point you're trying to make, but I am a girl
Yes, I know lol. My point is it sucks that even when it's very difficult to date, and you manage to push through your anxiety and do it anyway, and then you meet someone you "click" with, then sometimes they aren't looking for the same thing you're looking for in a relationship. That happened to me in my last relationship. She was looking for something very casual, no commitment, and I was looking for more, then...she ended up wanting more lol. Anyways it doesn't matter if you don't get it, I was just trying to point out that even when you can date succesfully, it doesn't mean you're going to have a succesful relationship.
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 06:06 PM
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testify! hallelujah!

we want an update

:/
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 06:11 PM
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Oh ok
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-01-2016, 06:20 PM
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It would be nice to get an update....
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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Ok ok here's an update. So after that first date, we went on another date. On that date, after we had dinner, we sat on a bench outside. And it was there where I ended up going for the kiss and got it! She asked me why did I decide to kiss her and I was just like because I felt like it and she said that was a really good answer. Don't get me wrong. I was extremely anxious. But I knew the moment was right and so I had to do it. That same date, we ended up sitting by a lake and things got physical. We made out and she ended up giving me a message.
For the next couple dates, I got anxious. I think because of the pressure to keep things up. I know on the 3rd date I nearly broke down. Like I almost had a panic attack. Somehow I was able to maintain some level of composure so I didn't totally screw up. The date after that, same thing. I was anxious. After that date, I just felt like things weren't progressing anymore and I got worried that I had screwed up. She also stopped complimenting me and didn't say she had a good time with me like she did the first 2 dates.
But, the next date, with all the pressure on me to makeup for the previous 2 dates, I did the best I'd ever done! I was in my zone! And basically we ended up in my car parked at a park after dark. And it was there where I made a move! And things got very physical again! I was anxious and scared on the inside. But on the outside, I appeared cool, calm, and collected.
The following date, I also did very well and things got very physical again.
So now, I'm back in college and she's still at home (which is a little over an hour away). We talk and skype and I'm going to be seeing her next weekend to celebrate her birthday. Basically, she wants a relationship, but I told her I can't right now. I told her I still want to see her and spend time with her and have fun with her, but I explained why I can't commit. She got a little upset, but I was able to calm her down and reassure her that I still want to see her. So right now we are in an open relationship.
It's a long story but the reason I can't commit is that I just feel like I will be settling. Yes I like her, and I like spending time with her, but I just feel like there's more out there. And so I was honest about where I stand because I don't want to lead her on. And believe me, it would have been much easier to NOT be honest and lead her on, because I was scared as hell that if I told her I couldn't commit, she would leave me. But she didn't and so that's where we are as of now.
Overall, this is a huge accomplishment. I would have been thrilled just to get 1 date, but I got a lot more than that. If I hadn't done all the hard work on myself, I would not have been able to handle the moment. I'm just thankful for the opportunity I got after years of pain and heartbreak.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by AllTheSame View Post
Yes, I know lol. My point is it sucks that even when it's very difficult to date, and you manage to push through your anxiety and do it anyway, and then you meet someone you "click" with, then sometimes they aren't looking for the same thing you're looking for in a relationship. That happened to me in my last relationship.

Or the person whom you think you think youd be compatible with doesn't even like you back.

"One person's luxury is another person's adversity."
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Max Seigel View Post
My friends, let this be a testament of hope to all who struggle in this area of your life. Let me tell you all something. After nearly 4 years 0 success, after so many rejections, after so much pain, I finally got a date! I finally did it!
The date went surprisingly well! I was anxious but quickly calmed down. I was able to joke around with her, make her laugh, develop a connection, and for the most part, be myself. Of course it wasn't all perfect. There were times where I had nothing to say, times where my mind went blank. And there was a moment where I knew I should have gone for the kiss but was too afraid to. But I learned so much and gained such valuable experience. On top of that, she did say she wanted to see me again!
But here's the truth and yes the truth hurts. The truth is that it's not easy! You're going to have to go through a lot of pain, a lot of lonely nights, a lot of tears shed. There are going to be times where you want to give up. Trust me. For the past several months, I was suffering from learned helplessness. I thought, what's the point. I keep getting rejected over and over again. But I fought through and finally broke through. You must must must have patience and persistence.
I will quickly go over what has happened. I must have asked out 30+ girls over the past 4 years (which may not seem like a lot, but to me it is) and none of them even gave me a date, not even a chance. Not only that, but a few of them agreed to a date and flaked at the last minute, which really stung. Others seemed like they wanted to go out only at the last minute to completely ignore me. I was so close so many times but at the last minute, everything fell through.
I will say though that I did have 1 previous relationship (which is a bit of a miracle), but it feels so long ago that I can no longer draw on that experience to help me. That relationship lasted for 6 months until she dumped me. The 2nd worst pain of my life (the 1st being me hitting rock bottom). So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had.
But all this pain has molded me into the person I am today. It has built my character and made me stronger, strong enough that I could drive to meet this girl and spend 4 hours 1 on 1, strong enough that I am able to detach from an outcome and let go if need be. Either way, whether she liked me or not, I knew I would be ok. I don't need her to be ok.
While this is a gigantic step after literally feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall for 4 long years, it is by no means the end. I still have so much to learn. I'm not expecting this to work out. The only thing I expect of myself is to continually learn and grow from each experience I get.
Lastly, keep in mind that for most of us with SA, dating is probably the most difficult thing to do. So expect slow progress. But if you keep going, even when you don't feel like it, even when nothing seems to be working, even when you want to give up, you will find a way. It's important to believe in your ability to figure things out as you go.
I hope my story not only helps you to believe in yourself, but catalyzes you to take action towards your goals and dreams. Seriously, if I could do this, you can too!

how did you manage to get the initial date with her?

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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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how did you manage to get the initial date with her?
Great question! We happened to run into each other in public. We knew each other beforehand because she friended me on Facebook a while earlier. So we had already talked before and we had each other's numbers. But we were just acquaintances. However, after we ran into each other, she texted me saying she enjoyed talking to me. At that point I knew I might have an opportunity so I said that we should see each other. She agreed. And then like a week later, I texted her to set up the date.

Here's the interesting part. Right before the date, she texted me asking if her other male friend could tag along. That smelled of friend zone. So instead of agreeing to that, I texted back saying I just wanted to spend time with her alone and if she changed her mind to let me know. Otherwise, I'm doing my own thing. Well a few minutes later she texted back saying she changed her mind and that her other male friend wont be there. The rest is history lol

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
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