1 psychiatric evaluation down, 9 more to go! - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-30-2018, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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What does it matter what people\doctors think? If you have depression, you have it, find a way to heal.
I enjoy being an experiment to practicing mental health professionals, I guess. Yes, I feel alot better about myself when I voluntarily choose to interact and share my life with complete strangers or mental health professionals. It gives me a sense of purpose for my apparent no life or life blockages in the form of disorders. Like I am a harry potter and the doctors are helping me with my magical powers okay. Maybe you're a muggle.

I'm crazy and I'm proud. Yes I am finding ways to heal when I see doctors on purpose. I really find pleasure in our experience together especially with a psychologist/psychiatrist doing psychotherapy or evaluations. There is something comical about that bond I feel when I let myself become so open and vulnerable and I speak the truth. Maybe that's why I feel good because I don't lie and having a truthful conversation with a mental health professional is rare.

If you think they don't understand or get you then find someone else. I'd give them all a try if I could, I'd get myself my career and dick in bed every night and everything to make me happy and I'd still see mental health professionals just for the heck of it. Maybe I have an obsession? Oh god! But I mean no harm, I innately enjoy it, sharing my life with others even if they think I am crazy. Human beings are amazing people, I wouldn't want to miss out on my practicing to unshrivel for the world.

I didn't realize it back then when dad forced psychologists on me because I refused to talk to them. But I realize it now when I can talk to them how much they can help. Even if they don't understand me or get me at least they can taste a part of me. I have this paranoia where I think that anyone I see is impacted by who I am and it helps their area of research. That's what I mean by feeling like an experiment, I don't ****ing mind!
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-30-2018, 05:52 PM Thread Starter
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That bad? I knew one kid in skool that had to take meds for depression (may have been abilify) or something. One of the potential side affects was the possibility of developing diabetes or something. *shudder shudder* I saw it on one of their commercials on TV.

Dunno if they modified the ingredients as this was several years ago.
Yes yes, anti-psychotics make you diabetic and extra obese. I would rather be the way nature evolved me. Society makes everything worse, not me.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-30-2018, 06:00 PM
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Yes yes, anti-psychotics make you diabetic and extra obese. I would rather be the way nature evolved me. Society makes everything worse, not me.
Dodged a bullet there! *woosh!*

Always wanted to try psychedelic therapy or whatever; like be under some person that knows how to administer it, and maybe do psychotherapy along with it or whatever.

Guess it'll be one of those alternative medicine doctors that are accused of partaking in quackery or something. *sigh*
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-30-2018, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Dodged a bullet there! *woosh!*

Always wanted to try psychedelic therapy or whatever; like be under some person that knows how to administer it, and maybe do psychotherapy along with it or whatever.

Guess it'll be one of those alternative medicine doctors that are accused of partaking in quackery or something. *sigh*
O wow that sounds so fun! It's a better approach to try to open a person's mind with psychedelic like drugs/therapy instead of suppressing them. Indeed, indeed.
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2018, 12:37 AM
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That bad? I knew one kid in skool that had to take meds for depression (may have been abilify) or something. One of the potential side affects was the possibility of developing diabetes or something. *shudder shudder* I saw it on one of their commercials on TV.

Dunno if they modified the ingredients as this was several years ago.
Do you recall if that was both type of diabetes?. That’s nuts medicicne causing diabetes. Some medication does more damage than good it is just a big business for them the pharmacy industry. (Apart from the people that really do need medication like my self and etc)
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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2018, 12:44 AM
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Yes, she prescribed me an anti-psychotic called Geodon. I'm not taking that **** man! Man I'd rather take an SSRI than that ****. No way man, did you read the reviews? Scary **** man just like Abilify or any other anti-psychotic.
Oh I see whyd you want to see 9 psychiatrists then. I wonder why docs are so fast as to prescribe anti psychotics to people. Think Im heading in that direction though becomming coo coo. Isolation can be like a slow disease.
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2018, 06:22 AM
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Do you recall if that was both type of diabetes?. Thats nuts medicicne causing diabetes. Some medication does more damage than good it is just a big business for them the pharmacy industry. (Apart from the people that really do need medication like my self and etc)
Probably type 2 or something. I looked it up, and people were complaining. There's more to this; so it's other factors contributing to it, and Abilify loads the gun, so to speak. I just looked it up and found a barrage of complaints and concerns regarding it.
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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 09-25-2020, 02:59 AM Thread Starter
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It seems I am the only person in my family who was crazy enough to get diagnosed and share it publicly even on facebook. The problems in my life it seems were my own fault for choosing to hide my diagnosis even from my family doctor. If only I would have let people know about having bipolar like boyfriends and my doctors then I wouldn't be able to have access to Prozac and send myself into a psychotic episode once again in 2019. Since Covid-19 it seems I went very crazy on my facebook and even added my 2018 psychiatric diagnonsense and I just don't care. I do care honestly and at times of my suicidal lows I feel like people don't like me anymore just because I choose to be so honest with my disorders on social media.

Well since it seems I am the only one crazy enough to humiliate myself and try to ask for understanding from people in my life who I seemed too crazy to connect with, it sure as heck seems that I am the only one in my family crazy enough to get diagnosed. At this point, I am sure 100% that everyone in my family does have something or other but they choose not to get diagnosed. It seems my social anxiety or perhaps it is Autism has left a huge mark on my life and it caused my family, especially my father to take me on adventures to psychiatrists and psychologists. Why me I ask, why does this all make me seem so special to the point of choosing to become psychotic and humiliating myself on social media and my own life?!

I think it's because of my mother, she's definitely just like me and I probably subconsciously wanted to show her that she won't be alone in her craziness, that I was just like her and I understood her. Maybe we're not really 100% similar but having some knowledge in psychiatric illness/differences sure takes a whole lot of pressure off my family life. In my own psychotic way, I try to understand why my own family is afraid of sharing their mental disorders other than the common word "depression and anxiety". Sure you say you have those but you weren't diagnosed, maybe they have something else, something worse like bipolar or social anxiety. But I'll never know.

It seems my family just focus on their own lives, with life and having their own lives, all I focus on is being a crazy person and I can't even let myself live my life. Sure antidepressants helped me try out college and try out being part of society but otherwise I cold turkey and go right back to me, crazy and focusing on my brain. It's not like, well, it seems like it could be the intense focus from Autism, perhaps I am Aspergers, it would be nice, it would explain my intense focus on my own mental disorders and only seeming to want to talk about those and having a lack of a typical normal life. I can't see the world like my sister for instance with her children and husband, only when she comes to visit do I get to be in it, but otherwise I'm in myself only!

It's a lonely life, even moreso now because Covid-19, but everything I used to do before and everywhere I used to go, these mental disorders of mine went along with me. I was using myself to understand people and the world around me. I can't just forget about it, and live like a shallow person, I feel incredibly deep even though I might appear awkward to others. Perhaps my mother is deep as well, and my father loves to call her a crazy woman, perhaps by now I am also known as a crazy person. You know how words get thrown around these days. Being called crazy is another word for being misunderstood. They don't understand me, how weak they are, lol it's that line from the Polish movie Suicide Room. Well, maybe they just don't want to understand me, I wonder if I understand them myself, I just want to be understood, well at least with this diagnosis and humiliation in my life I can have my mother feel better and I can understand my family and the world.

I am probably too delusional and make up assumptions about people, you know how social anxiety makes us seem like everyone is paying attention to me me me. No way, they're paying attention to their own lives. But it's hard to shake it off sometimes, most of the times, it's so hard to shake it off and leave myself alone. I am my own worst bully, critic, life destroyer. Growing up thinking and feeling this way sure left a number on me. Six66 doomed. I just need to recalibrate myself and focus just on myself and avoid those external assumptions that everyone hates me. But it sure seems that way. But it isn't! It's like an illusion, it's like being very brave and stupid to the point of coming out and feeling like people don't like you because you're brave enough to humiliate yourself. Most people wouldn't share their problems with the world, but here I am. Those kinds of things, I guess I am more personable than most people and I should feel good for being different.

Every person in the world does see themselves and their own lives differently. Sure we all have the same brain, but our brains and our minds are quite different. Our cultures are different, our upbringing is different, our families are normal or crazy in their own ways. Our beliefs and values are different. It's all a fractal within a fractal within a fractal! And here I am, twisted and pulled by my own illusions wondering why I am different. Nah, the truth that I am not accepting is that we are all different choosing one common reality to be the same. When we're the same, we feel safe, connect, and part of the group/tribe as in the old days.

Why do I keep being delusional and tell myself I am even more different, ah maybe there is something wrong with me, everyone else is normal. That saying needs to go. If I keep saying it so will my beliefs always be that way. Doing or saying the same things over and over again and expecting a different result - insanity! Maybe I feel lost in the world because I'm focusing too much on myself and my own problems, maybe other people feel more connected because they focus outside of themselves on the real world! Well, there you have it, that's the dilemma of my introspection.
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 09-25-2020, 06:21 AM
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. Sure we all have the same brain, but our brains and our minds are quite different. Our cultures are different, our upbringing is different, our families are normal or crazy in their own ways. Our beliefs and values are different. It's all a fractal within a fractal within a fractal! And here I am, twisted and pulled by my own illusions wondering why I am different. Nah, the truth that I am not accepting is that we are all different choosing one common reality to be the same.
Everyone is different but I know at least the feeling of feeling totally different from everyone else. Whether biochemically, neurochemically, anatomically, or in any way. the brains of those with them mental disorders doesnt work the way its supposed to given the already of a pull up your bootstraps society, cultural expectations, etc. Ive taken so many different antipsychotics and neuroleptics that I was too afraid of developing or progressing to type II diabetes and if left untreated leads to Type I Diabetes.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and than success is sure," Mark Twain

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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-05-2020, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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My father has a collection of notes he wrote from like 1998 mainly having to do with how my mother has treated him. It's so bad! To me it seems like she has pathological jealousy, abuse and controlling behavior, and borderline paranoid psychosis. Well it's her, she's the real culprit of all our troubling lives! She's crazy! Or it might be her brain tumor but either way she's 100% delisional. She resembles delusional disorder to a T especially about accusing and provoking my father of being unfaithful to her. My father has these notes of my mother's behavior to him, since they were married and my father had to live with her crazy delusional patterns day in and day out! Can you imagine the craziness! I sure can. How can they stay together and raise 5 children in this madness!? Even worse my mother used me and my siblings to provoke and accuse our father with her own delusions, aka folie de deux!

How sad it is to grow up with a crazy mother who plays the victim and makes her own kids and other people believe her side of the story! Daily she used to accuse my father of all the women in his life, like he would need to attend a meeting at work and if there was 1 woman in sight my father would fear for his life! She had to know his every move and she would come up with scenarios and extra women in her own head and put it on my father, like it wasn't based in reality. Why would she do this to my father, doesn't she realize she's hurting him? I asked my father why he didn't just divorce her already and he said for the sake of his children. But it's way worse to keep being with her because she's the same, nothings going to change, it keeps going on forever, her nagging my father for her delusional unfaithfulness.

Another reason for staying with her was that she's sexy and he hoped taking her to see a psychologist would help her delusions stop. But how can they? Some people have delusions and it becomes a delusional disorder because no matter what some people tell them, they can't shake loose and believe they're wrong! It's so hard to grow up with this kind of mother and this kind of abuse at home, and I had to take it all with me, it would make me mad at school and probably this brought on my own mental disorders. I had to pay the price for their mess with my own life. I had to become bipolar and stop talking, I had to be taken to special ed, but it's not my fault at all! This family dynamic is an illness in itself! I am just a product. And my siblings got some of this madness as well, the parents make their children into their own sidekicks making them believe bull**** just because the mother is some crazy lunatic looking for revenge against her own delusional disorder!

So surely before anyone blames themselves of their mental disorders they should look into their family history, like my crazy mother. And what's worse is her paranoia and accusations of unfaithful partners does pass down to her children, I have to snap myself out of it before I become like my mother. Well at least I am not that delusional, she does it and doesn't believe she's wrong, my father definitely cheated on her with 100 million women. But how can we let her get away with what she did to my father, I doubt he'll ever publish his notes and who would listen? My mother has another boyfriend and that makes it worse because her boyfriend believes my mother's delusions and thinks my father is a pig!

And I can't even think about my mother and her boyfriend, if he believes her and her delusions about my father being an unfaithful cheater... it makes me feel like my brain is splitting in half. This is all so traumatic. Who can I choose to believe? Well for all my life, of course I chose to believe my mother, but now I've grown more and read more into the psychology of people's minds, and it seems my mother is crazy. Sure I can empathise/sympathize with my own delusions she handed into my life like social anxiety and always being on the lookout when my own boyfriends cheat on me, but otherwise I can't forgive her for making me lose my mind and destroying my life. She couldn't think about her children and raising us in a nice loving quiet home, she was fighting with my father every day, but she could have chosen to stop, but she didn't. Definitely sadistic as well.

I'm happy my father chose to divorce her but I am very concerned that she had to raise all of us in her crazy ways. Even after the divorce she was going on about stalking my father at his work, and dropping us off at his apartments so we can keep an eye out for him and his women. I realize it now why she had children in the first place, we were her pawns, we were used to spy on our father for her, even in divorce. She was never there for us, she kept us starving at home while she took the money and went shopping for boyfriends. I wish I had grown up with my father instead, if they divorced around 2002 then I should have been with him, at least he's not crazy. He's a ****ing victim of my mother's control and abuse and so am I. Probably that's why I am still living at home and with my father, because of all of this! So next time you want to judge me, how about you look at my father's notes about his abuse with my mother? Come on over, I'll read them to you.
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