It seems I am the only person in my family who was crazy enough to get diagnosed and share it publicly even on facebook. The problems in my life it seems were my own fault for choosing to hide my diagnosis even from my family doctor. If only I would have let people know about having bipolar like boyfriends and my doctors then I wouldn't be able to have access to Prozac and send myself into a psychotic episode once again in 2019. Since Covid-19 it seems I went very crazy on my facebook and even added my 2018 psychiatric diagnonsense and I just don't care. I do care honestly and at times of my suicidal lows I feel like people don't like me anymore just because I choose to be so honest with my disorders on social media.
Well since it seems I am the only one crazy enough to humiliate myself and try to ask for understanding from people in my life who I seemed too crazy to connect with, it sure as heck seems that I am the only one in my family crazy enough to get diagnosed. At this point, I am sure 100% that everyone in my family does have something or other but they choose not to get diagnosed. It seems my social anxiety or perhaps it is Autism has left a huge mark on my life and it caused my family, especially my father to take me on adventures to psychiatrists and psychologists. Why me I ask, why does this all make me seem so special to the point of choosing to become psychotic and humiliating myself on social media and my own life?!
I think it's because of my mother, she's definitely just like me and I probably subconsciously wanted to show her that she won't be alone in her craziness, that I was just like her and I understood her. Maybe we're not really 100% similar but having some knowledge in psychiatric illness/differences sure takes a whole lot of pressure off my family life. In my own psychotic way, I try to understand why my own family is afraid of sharing their mental disorders other than the common word "depression and anxiety". Sure you say you have those but you weren't diagnosed, maybe they have something else, something worse like bipolar or social anxiety. But I'll never know.
It seems my family just focus on their own lives, with life and having their own lives, all I focus on is being a crazy person and I can't even let myself live my life. Sure antidepressants helped me try out college and try out being part of society but otherwise I cold turkey and go right back to me, crazy and focusing on my brain. It's not like, well, it seems like it could be the intense focus from Autism, perhaps I am Aspergers, it would be nice, it would explain my intense focus on my own mental disorders and only seeming to want to talk about those and having a lack of a typical normal life. I can't see the world like my sister for instance with her children and husband, only when she comes to visit do I get to be in it, but otherwise I'm in myself only!
It's a lonely life, even moreso now because Covid-19, but everything I used to do before and everywhere I used to go, these mental disorders of mine went along with me. I was using myself to understand people and the world around me. I can't just forget about it, and live like a shallow person, I feel incredibly deep even though I might appear awkward to others. Perhaps my mother is deep as well, and my father loves to call her a crazy woman, perhaps by now I am also known as a crazy person. You know how words get thrown around these days. Being called crazy is another word for being misunderstood. They don't understand me, how weak they are, lol it's that line from the Polish movie Suicide Room. Well, maybe they just don't want to understand me, I wonder if I understand them myself, I just want to be understood, well at least with this diagnosis and humiliation in my life I can have my mother feel better and I can understand my family and the world.
I am probably too delusional and make up assumptions about people, you know how social anxiety makes us seem like everyone is paying attention to me me me. No way, they're paying attention to their own lives. But it's hard to shake it off sometimes, most of the times, it's so hard to shake it off and leave myself alone. I am my own worst bully, critic, life destroyer. Growing up thinking and feeling this way sure left a number on me. Six66 doomed. I just need to recalibrate myself and focus just on myself and avoid those external assumptions that everyone hates me. But it sure seems that way. But it isn't! It's like an illusion, it's like being very brave and stupid to the point of coming out and feeling like people don't like you because you're brave enough to humiliate yourself. Most people wouldn't share their problems with the world, but here I am. Those kinds of things, I guess I am more personable than most people and I should feel good for being different.
Every person in the world does see themselves and their own lives differently. Sure we all have the same brain, but our brains and our minds are quite different. Our cultures are different, our upbringing is different, our families are normal or crazy in their own ways. Our beliefs and values are different. It's all a fractal within a fractal within a fractal! And here I am, twisted and pulled by my own illusions wondering why I am different. Nah, the truth that I am not accepting is that we are all different choosing one common reality to be the same. When we're the same, we feel safe, connect, and part of the group/tribe as in the old days.
Why do I keep being delusional and tell myself I am even more different, ah maybe there is something wrong with me, everyone else is normal. That saying needs to go. If I keep saying it so will my beliefs always be that way. Doing or saying the same things over and over again and expecting a different result - insanity! Maybe I feel lost in the world because I'm focusing too much on myself and my own problems, maybe other people feel more connected because they focus outside of themselves on the real world! Well, there you have it, that's the dilemma of my introspection.