1 psychiatric evaluation down, 9 more to go!
The first diagnosis is in! Well I felt high this whole week leading up to my appointment with this sexy psychiatrist lady. I even told her about it. So the night before, I felt no anxiety or anticipation whatsoever, I knew it would work out 'better than well' and it really was that way! I mean, this has to be the first night ever where I was able to go to sleep without having bothersome anticipatory anxiety about my appointment the next day. I slept well, 9 hours, even woke up before my alarm. Drank my coffee and was off.... I was actually very excited. So we got there and I went in and told the lady at the desk my app time and my name and the doctor's name. She gave me a form to fill out and shet. When I was done with the form I went out back and used the loo. Then I sat down in the sun to eat some before I went in for my app. Out back was very nice, it was like a section outside like a porch and they had water fountains so I tried to listen to the water and do some meditation but it was hard because I kept coming back to my thoughts.
So I was out there in the sun, on the floor, with my eyes closed and trying hard to meditate, then I stretched a little and looked around. The lady at the desk came out and she told me that I can sit on the chair but I told her that I'm getting some vitamin D. She was going back and forth to another room and I had a feeling that my doctor was in there and oops she really was because a few minutes later she came out while I was still on the floor and she reached her hand out to shake mine after she asked if I was (my name). She held eye contact alot with me, well maybe because I also held alot of eye contact with her.... She was/is a ****ing beautiful woman. I even told her about it at the end.... And she laughed.... I just made her laugh wayyy too much.... But she was so cute tho! Ahh, my dream come true to have met someone like her. Well let's not get too carried away here! So then I shook her hand, I think she said pleasure to meet you or honor, well if she said honor then I don't understand why.
She went in the other room and I followed and looks like she got dad and was ready for me to go in to my app. So she asked who the guy with me was and dad was trying a little joke with her and told her that he was my brother. It seemed she didn't understand the joke or didn't want to disrespect dad so she thought he was actually my brother before dad shook her out of it and told her he's my dad. Then I asked her if she would need dad to help explain my symptoms and then she asked that that would be up to me if I would allow it and I said sure and that it would help more. So then we went to her room/office and sat down and I gave her the evaluation forms I filled out; one was for anxiety and the other for mood disorder. Then she started to ask me first of all why I came there to see her today and I began. Again, I was able to talk to her!!! I think I got to the bottom of why I am able to talk now, it's because I made this appointment, it's because I wanted to see her. It wasn't dad pushing me into things I didn't want. I wanted this. It makes sense entirely.
In the beginning I did tear up alot and luckily the tissues were right in front of me so I used a few. Then dad started talking and telling her about my traumatic childhood which helped alot in my evaluation process. I told her about everything that happened to me on Prozac and the mania I was feeling. I told her about how in school I couldn't talk and how I have social anxiety and I even told her about my CBT and convinced her that it really helped me open up as much as psychiatric medication did. She asked my phobias and I told her people and social situations. When she was explaining things I held eye contact with her and just stared at her in peace while nodding, then I started to smile and she was asking why I was smiling. Haha! She's funny guys! Anyway, I like her sexually but also as a human being and her work, although I am not 100% sure if I should 100% trust her diagnosis yet, dad said that we connected/communicated well. He said we were communicating so well (me and the psychiatrist) that it's as if he was watching a funny show.
I talked alot, you can imagine very well how a person with mania can talk alot right? Exactly. And they're funny as well right? Exactly what happened today. I just got too over-excited when I heard my diagnosis and I became overly-social near the end. I started complimenting the doctor telling her that I liked her nails and her dress. Dad was taking a picture of the diagnoses she wrote down and she was laughing because I was saying, "oooh you're going to be in the picture!" and that's when I also told her that I liked her nails. She was smiling alot, it just seems that I was too funny and she liked it alot. So after the diagnoses she immediately started going over the medication with me and showing me the different kinds and explaining their side effects. It was a very fast process. There were times where she was getting stressed out because there was alot of information to write down about my life, and I felt for her you know, if only she slowed down a bit, boy I really don't like when people go fast. I always had to find a way to get in there without interrupting so I'm glad I went for it many times.
I told her that I didn't want to take medication right now because I have another appointment in June with a psychologist/psychiatric nurse. And that I wanted to see this other one and 9 more after you (her) to get more diagnoses or a second opinion. I think I said a different brain, which is a bit disrespectful, or maybe I said a different perspective or diagnosis yeah. Not sure, but she agreed that I could get a second opinion. I was looking for a word and then she added it "concurring." Yeah I want more diagnoses from a number of different psychiatric evaluations from psychiatrists to see if the diagnoses all concur. Ha the way she was going on about everything made me feel very scared, it felt like she was prescribing me something to go and take today. But then I stood up for myself and I told her, no no no I have other plans and she gave me her card to make an appointment when I want to follow up with her and she added that she can only work with me if I take the medication she prescribed. Bah!
These psychiatrists are different, once you go in you walk out with a prescription for psychiatric medication. They're not like psychologists at all! They're scary! But you can choose to make them feel bad indirectly by standing up for your own right not to have them push medication on you that fast. I mean I need time to get more diagnoses and I'm not that desperate, I told her I don't want to stop feeling this! I'll always be this bonkers no matter what medication I take, it's the way God made me. So she told me my diagnoses and I got over excited and told her she is a very beautiful woman when we were leaving and she was again laughing wayyy too much. I can't blame her, everyone was laughing even dad. I even got close to her and touched her arm when I was laughing or being too social.... She's just too cute! Man, I am cray. I had alot of tissues in my hand at the end because I was playing with them after I used them to wipe my sweaty hands while I was talking.... And as we walked out through the front office I asked the lady at the desk where the trash was even though I already saw it beforehand and I was talking out loud saying, "oh I cried so much," while throwing away the tissues. And the lady was like, "yes it's better to get it all out allover the place!" and dad was laughing. What really happened there was not too much crying, just too much laughing and alot of relief.
Anyway, as promised, my first diagnosis is as follows: Bipolar I Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, history of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Social Anxiety. Eh, I feel at peace now even with my first diagnosis ever because the psychiatrists before all sucked and they never told me anything and because I never asked. At least now I am getting somewhere, at least I can be more at peace with myself with the bipolar especially and knowing that the way I feel is really because of that and that I will be okay in any of my endeavors. I can come to a conclusion about all my past and everything that happened with Prozac. I can finally feel at peace. Such a beautiful day, oh shet, well I was really high.... Oh forgot to add, she only offered the medication for me in the form of an atypical anti-psychotic called Geodon(Ziprasidone). Nothing at all for anxiety here, she's looking to stabilize my mood first.