[TRIGGER WARNING] Serious health scare... still waiting - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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[TRIGGER WARNING] Serious health scare... still waiting


Mod note - Thread contains potentially triggering discussion of child abuse. If you do not want to see this, leave this thread now.

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So a few weeks ago I posted a thread about a serious health scare.

In spring, I went for a check up and they found pre cancerous cells. They operated and found the cells were very advanced. The cells were scattered so they weren't 100 % sure they got them all.

A few weeks ago, I went for a post operation check up. That was what the last thread was about. The check up went well but the results came back inconclusive. :/

The next check up is on September 10th.

My entire life has been on hold. Sometimes I think that things will be fine (maybe they did catch everything and I am in the clear). Then, I am not so sure and I fall into a very deep emotional hole.

I don't exactly have anyone I can talk to. I have a bunch of loose acquaintances and "friends" but everyone has made it clear that they are overwhelmed by the situation. So I am on my own with the anxiety, the feelings of despair etc.

I posting this thread because I don't know what else to do.
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post #2 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 08:48 AM
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Sorry to hear that. It sounds like a tough situation. Giving you good wishes.

Not sure if you want any thoughts on this, but it might be good to try and do some other things, not put everything on hold as you say.
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post #3 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 11:23 AM
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Frustrating. :/ I know how it is to be dealing with a medical issue with pretty much nobody to talk to about it so I hope everything turns out okay.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

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Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

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post #4 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies

Quote:
Originally Posted by introvert33 View Post
Sorry to hear that. It sounds like a tough situation. Giving you good wishes.

Not sure if you want any thoughts on this, but it might be good to try and do some other things, not put everything on hold as you say.
Yes, I do what I can but very little is getting done. I exercise and go for walks for hours every day. It helps. Sometimes I cook something nice. Sometimes I work. But that's rare these days. Other than that I can't even remember what I used to enjoy. I am that stressed out at this point :/

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Originally Posted by tehuti88 View Post
Frustrating. :/ I know how it is to be dealing with a medical issue with pretty much nobody to talk to about it so I hope everything turns out okay.
Not having anyone to talk to about it is making it extra hard. That's why I am glad I got a couple of responses from you guys. It helps
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post #5 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 03:27 PM
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I remember your other thread about this, and I hope that you can stay strong

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post #6 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 03:39 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear this. Please try to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Sometimes when I have something on my mind and nobody is willing to listen just journaling about it is helpful. Maybe it's something you want to try. Wishing you health and happiness.
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post #7 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-25-2020, 03:49 PM
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Is there any way to make the appointment sooner? Not to be political, but that seems to sum up our current healthcare system.

Vent as much as you have to. Don't let anyone tell or indicate that you shouldn't. I would also strongly suggest to write everything down as you go through this.
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post #8 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-26-2020, 10:17 PM
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post #9 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-26-2020, 11:36 PM
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Focus on eating nutritionally ie. garlic, turmeric and curry spice/herb and avoid/cancel out things that cancer would like such as sugar (some natural sugars from fruit is ok and healthy), blackened meat especially or on other food, if you smoke, lack of exercise (get circulation) etc. Drink lots of water to get rid of toxins. I wish you well!
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post #10 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-27-2020, 11:01 AM
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Sending good wishes your way! Stay strong.
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post #11 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-27-2020, 12:00 PM
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I hope you'll be ok. It's so hard to have something like this lingering. I've had a couple similar situations and in the early waiting stages I was a wreck. As time went on I found breath work and semi-meditation to help a lot. Running was also a godsend. Anything to get some endorphins going. Music etc. Best of luck to you.

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post #12 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-28-2020, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for all the nice replies.

The past couple of days were mixed. Posting this thread helped a lot. Also talking to my GP helped.

Yesterday though, I was dumped by a friend over this story. I need to get it off my chest so here is that story:

His name is Thomas. We were friends for 4 years. We met at a dinner party held by someone we both know a few years ago. After that, we met up to go to the movies together. Not often but occasionally. From there, some kind of friendship grew. We have celebrated New Years eves together several times and also celebrated the occasional birthday together. On his last birthday, he invited me to a family gathering where I met his sister, brother in law etc. When the corona thing started he wasn't able to get any anti viral disinfectant (sold out). So I gave him some of my stash. Last year, he very nearly got into a a relationship with some woman (showed me pics and all) and told me all about it. We were not joined-at-the-hip besties but we were solid friends, I thought.

I never mentioned my health issue to him until yesterday. Yesterday, we met up for lunch and I told him exactly what I said in this thread. I was surprised that he did not ask a single question. Not how I was, not what happened, nothing at all. I then said that the next check up was on September 10th and that (if things didn't go my way) I would need another operation. I asked if he would pick me up from the hospital and take me home if that happened. His face dropped. He didn't say anything at all until a couple of minutes later. He then told me he was planning on going on vacation in September. That may be true. It may not be true. What happened after that makes me think it wasn't true.

We finished lunch pretty much without saying a word. He suggested we take a stroll through the local area. During that stroll, he raised his voice a bit. He said that I should have told him in advance. It wasn't ok to tell people something like that over lunch. I was very surprised. We had been friends for 4 years. He never raises his voice at anyone, much less me. WTF. And how should I have told him? On WhatsApp? I didn't even know it was such a terrible thing to say to a friend. I was asking for a simple favor, nothing else. I didn't say anything though. I was a bit speechless at being scolded.

We carried on walking. He was silent for a while and then raised his voice some more. "People have families for that kind of thing!". I replied that he knew my family situation. I have a mother and a brother who cannot be relied upon at all. If anything, they are a burden. He knows that. I told him a couple of years ago. I replied that he knew about my family situation and that instead of family, I rely on friends. He said "I don't believe that". I was like WTF! You know me. You know the story. We are friends.

At that point, I ended the conversation. Tears shot into my eyes and I said that I didn't want to fight. I said my good byes, turned around and walked the other way. He seemed shocked at seeing me well up. I am not usually the crying type. Not at all. Then again, I am not usually in a situation like this and have a friend scold me for asking for a simple favor.

So I walked off and he actually tried to catch up with me. He said: "Don't cry. I will find a way to pick you up." and then raised his voice again "You can't just put people in a situation like that. Have some consideration for others.".

I was not going to apologize for asking for a simple lift home. I was done. I hopped on my bike and left.

All of that after 4 years of friendship. That mutual acquaintance of ours nearly broke her foot a few months ago. He told me that she called him at 11 pm and he picked her up from the emergency room. Because she also had no-one else to give her a lift. I guess a broken foot is not as scary as my potential problem. I guess.

Oh well. This entire episode is turning into a life changing event, it feels. No matter how I will come out of this, a lot of things will be different. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But ****ing hell! What a weak *** ****ty friend.
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post #13 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-28-2020, 06:46 AM
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He seems extremely scared of the disease, and also not mature enough for it, and that's probably why he raised his voice if he didn't sound scolding but just the pitch of his voice was higher. You need a friend who's mature enough to hear about the disease you're going through whether you say it in person or not, but he sounded compassionate when he said not to cry and that he will find a way to pick you up. The '...Have some consideration for others' statement doesn't sound nice though. I wouldn't say that to someone who's going through a situation like you are, it doesn't sound gentle for someone who has a very serious disease, but harsh though he was probably so afraid that he wasn't saying the right things. I wish you well! Get the help from your doctor as you are doing and try to follow the best advice. Don't think of the worst. Don't think too much about it. Take it one step at a time and be brave. That's how you should think and you can do it. *hugs*
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post #14 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-28-2020, 11:09 AM
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Yeah, sounds like the thought of the disease freaked him out for whatever reason. I'd say maybe he's scared of the thought of losing you and so found a passive-aggressive way to preemptively end things, but still it's no excuse to act so s***ty. :/ Especially sucks in the light of him having no trouble helping his other friend. Losing a friend of so long over something that isn't even one's fault really hurts but it's probably better to find out sooner rather than later.

(Plus I bet if you'd told him over WhatsApp or whatever he'd be all, "How can you tell me something like this over text??")

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #15 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 03:14 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lily View Post
He seems extremely scared of the disease, and also not mature enough for it, and that's probably why he raised his voice if he didn't sound scolding but just the pitch of his voice was higher. You need a friend who's mature enough to hear about the disease you're going through whether you say it in person or not, but he sounded compassionate when he said not to cry and that he will find a way to pick you up. The '...Have some consideration for others' statement doesn't sound nice though. I wouldn't say that to someone who's going through a situation like you are, it doesn't sound gentle for someone who has a very serious disease, but harsh though he was probably so afraid that he wasn't saying the right things. I wish you well! Get the help from your doctor as you are doing and try to follow the best advice. Don't think of the worst. Don't think too much about it. Take it one step at a time and be brave. That's how you should think and you can do it. *hugs*
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Yeah, sounds like the thought of the disease freaked him out for whatever reason. I'd say maybe he's scared of the thought of losing you and so found a passive-aggressive way to preemptively end things, but still it's no excuse to act so s***ty. :/ Especially sucks in the light of him having no trouble helping his other friend. Losing a friend of so long over something that isn't even one's fault really hurts but it's probably better to find out sooner rather than later.

(Plus I bet if you'd told him over WhatsApp or whatever he'd be all, "How can you tell me something like this over text??")
Thanks for the replies.

I have thought about it for a couple of days now. I am stunned at how a 4 year friendship can go down the tubes in an instant. He was never the share-your-feelings type of guy. That's why I never actually did share my feelings, not in the months before that lunch and not during the lunch. All I did was explain what was going on and then I asked for a simple practical favor. A favor someone can do without getting emotionally involved at all. I know him reasonably well. I knew not to share feelings. I also knew that he is a practical help kind of guy.

Having said that... you guys are probably right. It must have terrified him. At the same time though, that is still no excuse to talk to me like that.
He hasn't been in touch since and I don't expect him to. I am pretty sure others will tell him how ****ty that was of him. Admitting to responding in a socially inadequate way isn't something people normally do though. So I guess that's it. I researched losing friends over a serious diagnosis and apparently it's something that happens a lot. Even 10+ year friendships collapse when someone is dealing with a very serious illness (which I am not at the moment, there is only the chance and the anxiety).

Oh well.
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post #16 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 03:24 AM Thread Starter
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So I am going to use this thread as a bit of a diary since I don't have anywhere else where I can share my feelings.

Maybe things will be fine. Maybe they won't be. I just don't know.

After being almost sick from worry for a few weeks, I relaxed a bit last week. I felt that things would be ok. That went well for a few days and I was almost like I used to be. I exercised daily, I cooked every day, I bought a few things for the apartment, chatted with the neighbors and thought about moving to a new apartment. I was making plans again. Just like I used to do.

Since last night though the doubts and the anxiety are back. I slept really poorly, I have a stomach upset and I look and feel very unhappy. I guess I will just have to go though this.

I am looking at 11 days until the check up + a few extra days of waiting for the results.

Maybe things will be ok. Maybe not. I want to cry from anxiety right now :/
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post #17 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 04:20 AM
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Hmm idk seems like the guy had plans and you throwing this at him caught him by surprise. Its a huge deal and he feels like he should of been informed earlier about your health which is understandable. So from the short notice to the cancel of his plans I can understand the frustration. Just a lot of pressure/responsibility thrown his way at once I guess.

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post #18 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 04:50 AM
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There was nothing wrong with how or when you told him. I think most would say in person is preferable for news of that gravity. Sure, he may have felt overwhelmed, he may have even had plans. Truth is, no one is perfect and sometimes we just don't give the best response in the moment. Fine. But it's very concerning to me he had no questions for you. No are you ok? How are you doing? How do you feel? What's next? Basic human concern, caring and comfort even a stranger would extend if they heard this news. Then to raise his voice and invalidate you??? And to say have some consideration for people??? That's a lot of ****ty behavior to take when you're going through a health scare and confide in a friend. Sheesh. Sorry you went through that (and are going through everything you're going through.)
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post #19 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 05:27 AM Thread Starter
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@Kevin001 Yes, I guess that's what it looks like from the other side. It must have been a shock. I am beginning to see that. To have a go at me like that though was not ok.

I guess there is a life lesson in here. As long as I am social/ bubbly/ active/ a good cook then my friendships are great. In times of trouble though all of the time and effort I invested into friends are forgotten. I am not even particularly angry about it. There is just a very important lesson in there for me.

I used to worry and feel guilty about not having done enough for certain people in my life. Others ask me for favors, for help, for advice, for time, for emotional support and my brother asks for straight cash. I used to worry about having to help and I often said no but I would have to deal with the guilt about not having done enough for others afterwards. I can probably relax about having to be a good friend/ a good sister etc. Because others don't exactly give a ****. And maybe that does not necessarily make them bad people. Maybe I am wrong.

I will go for a run now to think about that. LOL Life changing thoughts
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post #20 of 121 (permalink) Old 08-30-2020, 05:34 AM
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^^ Yeah just thinking about how I would react especially as someone who doesn't like surprises. I would still help you of course but would be disappointed you just sprung this on me and not told me sooner .

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