Well ets see... hah...
I was teased relentlessly from 2nd grade to HS. One way I dealt with it was many of my friends were 4-5 years younger than me, so they didn't know as much about how much I was bullied and also saw me as the older kid. And almost all of them I met on the school bus going home, so I didn't have to work hard. I DID have a couple friends in my own class who I occasionally visited outside school, but I lost them in 7th-8th grade. I was bullied a lot more in 7th-8th grade too. It was hell.
I'd say I had a healthy number of friends up until 8th grade. I lost them all. Hard to explain how it happened. Either they stopped calling or they started teasing me or I stopped calling them.
Keep in mind during all that time I played lots of video games on nintendo and turbo graphics. I loved video games. I've always had good reflexes and liked how fast paced they were. (AS I got older, i started to prefer more strategic, slower-paced games, especially in my late 20's and 30's.)
The teasing didn't slow down until I was a junior in HS. That's when I started to say "Hi" to people more often in the hallway. I'm not sure if the teasing slowed down before I started saying "Hi" or after. I got a computer when I was a sophmoore. Of course, I used my computer religiously. I played the s*** out of games like Jetfighter II and Silent Service and M1 Tank Platoon. I loved military PC games back then. I also programmed in QBasic and Assembly. That was my first exposure to it.
Another thing I'll say is I also played sports all through those years, up until I was a junior in HS. I'm not just the nerdy guy who exclusively uses computers and drowns himself in books. I did do good in math and writing, but I also was athletic and loved sports. In gradeschool I was outdoors so much more than HS, mainly because of friends. If I was indoors back then I was usually playing video games.
I later went to community college and got a degree in microcomputer programming and networking. All through that time I used my computer constantly. I'd say I started using the internet when I was a junior. I was the first person in my household to use it. I did a lot of chatting back then. Didn't play any onlie games yet. I started playing online games in 1999, 2 years after graduating HS.
I stopped playing console games sometime around 2001. I really loved racing games on the playstation and n64. After that I exclusively played PC games. Mostly RPGs and MMORPGs and strategy games.
I'd say I've been addicted to my computer since HS.
If someone said I have auspergers or autism or adhd, I'd probably not be surprised. But I'll also say my gpa in HS was 3.8. In college it was 3.8. The only bad grades were when I dropped classes. It's pathetic because even as I did good in school, I did miserable outside it. The reason I think I have some SA is because I've been self-conscious in the past. I don't think my SA is severe because I can do essential functions without anxiety, like shopping, for example. However, when someone gets into my head, I can act stupidly and/or anxiously. I'm overly sensitive to woman too. They're usually pretty and I always feel inferior to most guys around me. In the past I could barely function if I thought a girl was attractive, even if I knew she was married. And of course I can be bothered by the kind people who're ambitious and social. I can't relate to them and it makes me feel broken. I also feel out of place around employed people, since I'm not employed myself. In general, when I talk to people, it feels artificial.
Lately the past week I've been thinking on a different level than the past. In the past, I used my computer to "cope" with my problems. One of hte excuses I gave myself was writing and programming are my only notable skills, so why not focus on them? I can do both on the computer. Even as I said those things to myself and tried to program, I still spent too much time gaming and/or sitting at my computer deteriorating physically. I never really thought about how much all of this is going to impact my health or how much my addiction to games might stop me from accomplishing things.
I really do not think programming or writing on my computer is the answer. At heart, I'm a very athletic person who needs the outdoors not just to be in shape but to reach my potential. It might be i can use computers in a healthy manner, but without that link to the outdoors it's all futile and doomed to fail. I also think by cultivating a more outdoor life I'll be more likely to have friends and look for work. Without having that, it's so much harder to have the motivation I need to step outside my rooom.
It may be too late, but I'll try to mold myself into someone who has a broader range of experiences, especially outside this house where I've lived my whole life. One thing always on my mind these past few days is: whatever I do, it's got to be different than what I've done in the past.
Please note, it's 1:20pm on my taskbar. I started using my computer at approx. 10am. If the past few months are a guide, I'll take a break to go to the bathroom and do a few things around the house. Then I'll use the computer until lunch. I'll eat and go back to use the computer for a few hours. AFterwards, I usualy go for a walk, before returning to make dinner and use the computer some more. In sum, I will have used my computer about 7-10 hours before I get into my bed. Personally, this is too much. It's hard because I don't have a lot of moeny and we live in the country. I need to find ways to break up my afternoon by going to town more often or something. I can spend some of hte money I have on these things on the bet it's like kick starting an underused engine, but what if I run out before it does any good? I'm not sure what I need to do, but if it leads to me getting some work, I need to do it. In the past, work is like night and day. It makes me feel so mcuh better. GETTING work is hard.
And then there's my neck. I'm not sure how it'd respond to part-time or full-time work. I have to think I'll be fine because I've done some work for friends and I can mow our lawn. I can go on 2-3 hour walks. I can run up the hill down the street after a mile walk. I just have trouble looking left and down or up for long periods - neck gets tight. My neck gets tight especially when I'm sitting at this computer for long hours. I also have to look left a lot while driving. But honestly I think I'm tough enough to work, despite all this. What has this wolrd come to when a man like myself - who probably can work - doesn't?