Why are people mean to ugly people - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 11:42 AM
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By being nasty as a last resort, I mean if someone is persistently nasty toward me for no reason and it gets to the stage where that person thinks they can be a total p.o.s. all of the time, then I start to be passive-aggressive. I pretend to be very nice and then when they let their guard down I humiliate them as much as possible, repeatedly, until death.
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post #42 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 02:03 PM
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I'm ugly too


I understand completely your frustration with therapists and friends telling you that surely you are imagining things. Telling you that people in public, complete strangers, would never call someone ugly to their face. I believe you because unsolicited comments from strangers about my unattractive appearance have haunted me for over 50 years. I'm a 62 year old woman and was made painfully aware of my facial shortcomings when I was 10 years old. From junior high through high school I was taunted by other students, male and female alike. They laughed at me, made dog barking noises at me and humiliated me every single day in school. Back in the 60's and 70's there was no help for kids being bullied and harassed. We had to suck it up and suffer in silence.
I live in Los Angeles; home to celebrities and other people obsessed with beauty and unobtainable perfection in themselves.
You are absolutely right knowing when your appearance is not acceptable by society's standards. My facial features are extremely non symmetrical. I have tiny beady eyes and hooded eyelids. I have bags under my eyes and a puffy looking round red face from Rosacea. Strangers find me repulsive and abnormal looking. And yes, hurtful comments are said out loud to me. I wear makeup and do my best to fix myself up before going out. Of course, after all these years of verbal abuse I'm a basket case. I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder by my Psychiatrist.
Fortunately, I do have friends that accept me unconditionally. I am grateful for this and try my best to try to get through each day and be as positive as I can. The worst thing is the little voice I have in my head telling me that I will never measure up in the looks department. I'm constantly reminded of this fact when I'm out and about in public. Many times strangers stare or smirk at me when I walk by them. Store clerks are unfriendly and hostile towards me when I ask for assistance in a store or when I check out at their register. Even in the hospital, after surgery that I had three years ago; I was treated horribly by most of the nursing staff.
I believe you and I feel your emotional pain. I'm available to you and anyone else on this forum that needs to talk things out and receive emotional support.
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post #43 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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I understand completely your frustration with therapists and friends telling you that surely you are imagining things. Telling you that people in public, complete strangers, would never call someone ugly to their face. I believe you because unsolicited comments from strangers about my unattractive appearance have haunted me for over 50 years. I'm a 62 year old woman and was made painfully aware of my facial shortcomings when I was 10 years old. From junior high through high school I was taunted by other students, male and female alike. They laughed at me, made dog barking noises at me and humiliated me every single day in school. Back in the 60's and 70's there was no help for kids being bullied and harassed. We had to suck it up and suffer in silence.
I live in Los Angeles; home to celebrities and other people obsessed with beauty and unobtainable perfection in themselves.
You are absolutely right knowing when your appearance is not acceptable by society's standards. My facial features are extremely non symmetrical. I have tiny beady eyes and hooded eyelids. I have bags under my eyes and a puffy looking round red face from Rosacea. Strangers find me repulsive and abnormal looking. And yes, hurtful comments are said out loud to me. I wear makeup and do my best to fix myself up before going out. Of course, after all these years of verbal abuse I'm a basket case. I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder by my Psychiatrist.
Fortunately, I do have friends that accept me unconditionally. I am grateful for this and try my best to try to get through each day and be as positive as I can. The worst thing is the little voice I have in my head telling me that I will never measure up in the looks department. I'm constantly reminded of this fact when I'm out and about in public. Many times strangers stare or smirk at me when I walk by them. Store clerks are unfriendly and hostile towards me when I ask for assistance in a store or when I check out at their register. Even in the hospital, after surgery that I had three years ago; I was treated horribly by most of the nursing staff.
I believe you and I feel your emotional pain. I'm available to you and anyone else on this forum that needs to talk things out and receive emotional support.

Yes exactly.. the smirks are the worst because I never know how to react to them, they're very unnerving. I've also had nurses treat me terribly too which is scary because they are in control of your physical well being. I remember one specific time that i went to the doctor and the nurse that weighs you was giving me the most evil look, looked me up and down with a look on her face that said "you are a worthless, ugly piece of crap" and when she took my blood pressure she was extremely aggressive ... she was really scary. Thank you for your understanding and support, sorry you have to deal with this too.
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post #44 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 02:45 PM
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It's always confused me why people are cruel to people the don't find attractive either. It's not like it's affecting the mean people personally, and you're not getting anything out of saying mean things to people.

I know one of my friends told me a few months ago that her boyfriend hates fat people, like apparently very actively hates them. All I could really say in response was, "I just don't understand that because it's not like they're affecting his life any."

She told me that she thought it was because he was scared of becoming fat himself. I don't know if that could translate to other was of being conventionally viewed as unattractive, but I figure she knows him well enough that her point-of-view on him personally was probably accurate.
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post #45 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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It's always confused me why people are cruel to people the don't find attractive either. It's not like it's affecting the mean people personally, and you're not getting anything out of saying mean things to people.

I know one of my friends told me a few months ago that her boyfriend hates fat people, like apparently very actively hates them. All I could really say in response was, "I just don't understand that because it's not like they're affecting his life any."

She told me that she thought it was because he was scared of becoming fat himself. I don't know if that could translate to other was of being conventionally viewed as unattractive, but I figure she knows him well enough that her point-of-view on him personally was probably accurate.
Someone else said something like people are afraid to be around ugly people because they don't want to be ugly themselves. Well if this is why people treat me so bad, I just dont know how to cope with something so horrible. I honestly can't deal with that....maybe if my therapist/psychiatrist could admit this, they could somehow help me. but they keep on denying that I get treated so bad and that people literally hate me for being ugly. Well here's proof that people hate others just for their appearance. I can't deal with it. I'm too scared to kill myself right now so that's not really an option... I have no idea how to cope with this...I have so much anger inside from this too.. I can barely take holding in anger anymore ...what if I break one day and end up doing something horrible? THese are the thoughts that I have. I have nothing in my life to look forward to except hatred towards me for something I can't even change. I literally feel awful like I can't even understand how I can ever be happy. I'm only 36 and I have decades to go if I choose to live and nothing happens to me....this is unreal...
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post #46 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 02:56 PM
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People are mean to me because I'm ugly. My therapist and psychiatrist don't believe me. I tell them the things that happen to me and they say the normal b.s. like that person's having a bad day or it's not about me, it's about them.

But I'm suffering so bad from it and I get no help from therapy because they will not acknowledge the problem. I'm really depressed about this and I don't go out of the house. How do I deal with the world when people are unfair to me just for being ugly? I can't change it. How do I get a therapist to help me? Will anyone ever believe me?
I've posted here before about being so ugly that I get stared at everywhere I go. People here aren't a real help; you'll either be told it's all in your head or some "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" crap, completely negating our experience and making us feel more like s--t

I too am stunned by how people seem to be in denial of this reality that there are truly ugly people. I've also had doctors and psychiatrists tell me the exact same thing, denying my experience, when it was quite obvious based on their facial expression and reaction towards me that they too notice what's clearly wrong with my face (I have really asymmetrical features).

The only advice I can give you is to make peace with it and to finds hobbies and purpose in life. If you want someone to talk to, please PM me, since apparently there are so few of us who actually have gone through this experience in real life and aren't just imagining it like the majority of the bunch on this forum.
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post #47 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 03:02 PM
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Someone else said something like people are afraid to be around ugly people because they don't want to be ugly themselves. Well if this is why people treat me so bad, I just dont know how to cope with something so horrible. I honestly can't deal with that....maybe if my therapist/psychiatrist could admit this, they could somehow help me. but they keep on denying that I get treated so bad and that people literally hate me for being ugly. Well here's proof that people hate others just for their appearance. I can't deal with it. I'm too scared to kill myself right now so that's not really an option... I have no idea how to cope with this...I have so much anger inside from this too.. I can barely take holding in anger anymore ...what if I break one day and end up doing something horrible? THese are the thoughts that I have. I have nothing in my life to look forward to except hatred towards me for something I can't even change. I literally feel awful like I can't even understand how I can ever be happy. I'm only 36 and I have decades to go if I choose to live and nothing happens to me....this is unreal...
If your therapist isn't taking you seriously, I would definitely recommend finding a new therapist.
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post #48 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 03:02 PM
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Let me elaborate more on my own personal experience....I literally get looks of disgust when I walk the street because of my face. I've had people turn their heads, and follow me with their sight as I'm just walking keeping to myself. I notice too that people behave differently towards ugly people. Like when I go to the bank: the teller will be all chatty and friendly with the person before me, and when it's my turn the teller becomes all formal, giving me one or two word answers, and no "you're welcome" or "have a nice day" when I say thank you. But as I leave, I hear the enthusiasm and friendliness of the teller turn on for the next person. That's just one of many every day social experiences. The worst is the staring though. Do you have to go through that too?
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post #49 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 03:31 PM
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I am also extremely aware of how friendly cashiers, sales clerks, and other people in service work are to people they wait on. When I walk up they immediately turn cold and hostile while they are waiting on me. I always say hello and ask how their day is going for them but still receive crappy treatment.
PM me any time you need to talk.
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post #50 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 03:35 PM
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I am also extremely aware of how friendly cashiers, sales clerks, and other people in service work are to people they wait on. When I walk up they immediately turn cold and hostile while they are waiting on me. I always say hello and ask how their day is going for them but still receive crappy treatment.
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post #51 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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@johndoe and catwoman: yes i get treated like this by cashiers too and I notice that other people don't get this treatment. I also noticed that cashiers will not deal with me for a while if they don't have too. They ignore me and make me wait a little. One time at a drugstore the lady made me wait until a mans voice over the loudspeaker said theres someone at the register. then she proceeded to treat me like crap. Rarely do I even get a "have a nice day" or even a greeting when i bring my stuff to the register. They probably want me to get mad enough to walk out so they don't have to acknowledge me.
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post #52 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 05:39 PM
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Hello, I feel a sense of sisterhood or cousinry with you. I, on the other hand, have grown up unusually beautiful my whole life. I hated myself because people would judge me so harshly. I even believed what they were saying. I thought to myself, "If I weren't so thin, if people could see my illnesses and struggles on the outside, then I would make a ton of friends and get along with my coworkers."

Long story short, I gained 70 lbs, and even though I am not drop dead gorgeous anymore, I am still pretty enough to make other women feel uncomfortable around their men.

I still dont have many friends. People still judge me harshly, giving me angry looks from across the restaurant. Picking at every little thing to make their friends (or wives) feel better about themselves. I go to the library and people start whispering. I go to the grocery store and people are nosily waiting to see what products and food choices I make. EVERY TIME.

Not to mention I cant get a job. I blame poor interview skills and poor management. Men dont walk up to me and ask me out. I swear their best friends are talking them out of it because i'm multiracial.

These are some of the reasons i've come up with to explain why people treat me the way they do. Non of it is fact, no one has told me "you're too pretty". But I tell you what, sister. Its how you carry yourself. If you walk around like your unattractive, people will feed off of that and yes they are *******s! What you need to do is conduct yourself with class, and walk into the room with purpose. Dont dress like you work there, dress like you own the place (after you get the job of course).

And remember, you dont know how unhappy people are untill you look into their lives. No joke.
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post #53 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 08:00 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about these awful experiences. I myself look quite attractive and I have also always experienced similar hostility. In my case, I put that down to looking serious/unfriendly which people interpret as me giving them the middle finger. However, that is just a manifestation of my anxiety. My public life has been based on a great misunderstanding, the perception that I am confident and stand-offish. The reality is I am tense and nervous and pretend to be confident.

My advice is to plod on with life, do things you enjoy and ignore these antics as much as you can. Also, do not lower your head and look visibly upset if you can. It's not easy but important to not advertise your misery in life, unless you're on this forum.
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post #54 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 08:28 PM
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I cant believe no one has mentioned makeup. Also do you dress down, have oily hair and skin? These things alone can cause some people to call you ugly. There was a girl on here that was beautiful but everyone was calling her ugly because she looked different. Well assuming you are ugly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiMKG29jTSc.
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post #55 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-24-2015, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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It's always confused me why people are cruel to people the don't find attractive either. It's not like it's affecting the mean people personally, and you're not getting anything out of saying mean things to people.

I know one of my friends told me a few months ago that her boyfriend hates fat people, like apparently very actively hates them. All I could really say in response was, "I just don't understand that because it's not like they're affecting his life any."

She told me that she thought it was because he was scared of becoming fat himself. I don't know if that could translate to other was of being conventionally viewed as unattractive, but I figure she knows him well enough that her point-of-view on him personally was probably accurate.
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I cant believe no one has mentioned makeup. Also do you dress down, have oily hair and skin? These things alone can cause some people to call you ugly. There was a girl on here that was beautiful but everyone was calling her ugly because she looked different. Well assuming you are ugly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiMKG29jTSc.
No I wear makeup and it still happens. I think I'm just too ugly for that type of thing anyway.. like it makes me look like Im trying too hard... i'm one of those that no matter how much makeup and how nicely dressed i'm still ugly...believe me i tried it all
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post #56 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 12:10 AM
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Why not try some other therapist if they didn't get you, you can take some suggestions or professional help from here 317-641-8140
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post #57 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 01:04 AM
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ask yourself this, How do I carry myself? Do I carry myself as someone who is worthy and demands respect? Do I respect myself and set boundaries? do I have boundaries?

its not just looks. Take time to self reflect and be honest with yourself. If you treat yourself like ish then other people will too.



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post #58 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 02:35 AM
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Sorry I still do not believe what you say. like nurses treat you badly for being ugly? This is weird. Maybe too ugly or scary looking. ok look you can't change what people think you have no control over this. You only have control over how you see yourself. There is this girl on youtube who according to most people looks like an alien (she's quite famous forgot her name) but her confidence is so high that she looks happy and accomplished.
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post #59 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 05:50 AM
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Sorry I still do not believe what you say. like nurses treat you badly for being ugly? This is weird. Maybe too ugly or scary looking. ok look you can't change what people think you have no control over this. You only have control over how you see yourself. There is this girl on youtube who according to most people looks like an alien (she's quite famous forgot her name) but her confidence is so high that she looks happy and accomplished.
Wouldn't it be better to say, "hey, I can't understand or fathom how nurses can act that way" as opposed to calling a person who struggles with mental illness a liar?
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post #60 of 102 (permalink) Old 08-25-2015, 07:06 AM
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None of us know what you look like so your therapist probably knows better than we do.

If you were very unattractive and likely to be insulted your therapist would try to get you not to care what people say. Since he's telling you that you're not ugly, you probably look normal. Maybe you suffer from BDD.

People are mean to ugly people because it makes them feel superior. You are distressed by what they think because you don't like feeling inferior. Even a desire to be average is a desire to be superior to 50% of people. It's two sides of the same coin. Both people place a high value on how they rank.

You ask why are people mean to ugly people? Why are you so mean to yourself?

You need to show yourself compassion and accept yourself before you can expect others to do the same.

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

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