How should I hit on my psychologist? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 02:36 PM
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post #22 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 02:42 PM
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Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other.

I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some f you are. Jeez.
Tell her that you're suffering from confidence issues in the bedroom and you need to "role-play" some sexual situations.
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post #23 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 03:27 PM
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Y'all adent needs suggestions on how to approach this flirting homework..

My suggestion is not to blurt corny lines but instead to maximise body language cues first and foremost.

Start by approaching this lady asking how her day has been (open ended questions) whilst smiling and maintaining eye contact.

If she is not busy..ask her to go for a coffee with you right then and there..
I think that just being genuine and openly showing interest will go along way to getting a number.

Hopefully, this was at all helpful.
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post #24 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 03:41 PM
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OK, I tried to warn you...If u don't need anymore feedback...

hit it, and lemme know how it works out fo ya
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post #25 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 03:43 PM
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It's gonna be a sad, sad ending...got my kleenex out....
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post #26 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Dent View Post
Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other.

I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some of you are. Jeez.
Do what you do, but after reading your original post again, your therapist doesn't sound like she's very good at her job.

Good counselors know that they need to help their clients come to their own conclusions - not tell their clients what what they think, insist it's true, and then tell them that they need to "get that into your head."

Good counselors don't just tell you point blank what you need to do. Again, they help you come to your own conclusions about what action to take in order to get the results you want. They might make suggestions during this process, but they typically don't just tell you what to do.

If that worked, my counselor could just tell me, "You're not socially awkward. Get that into your head. You need to loosen up when you're in social situations," and I'd be on the road to getting better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
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post #27 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 04:39 PM
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Throw her on the couch

When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
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post #28 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-28-2013, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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I'm still a virgin and my psych didn't raped me, bummer

Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:

First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.

For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet".

Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.

However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop :P ), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now.

At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.

Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.

I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.

Trillian said to me once at Milliways:
"Poor Arthur, you're not really cut out for this life are you?"
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post #29 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 03:03 AM
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post #30 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-06-2013, 09:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Dent View Post
I'm still a virgin and my psych didn't raped me, bummer

Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:

First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.

For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet".

Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.

However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop :P ), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now.

At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.

Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.

I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.
Wow, this sounds like it went very well--you learned so much. I couldn't imagine role-playing that kind of thing--romantic. So I had no idea how that would be done in a professional way. But it sounds like it was very professional. As long as there is no attraction between you 2, it's ok. I don't think I could do it without laughing tho. I have had therapists ask me if I wanted to role-play a job interview, but I simply could & would not do it. (I used to work when I was younger, but not for years now).

Also, where are all the jokers and naysayers who made dumb comments earlier in the thread now? I think it's great that you had the guts to actually try the role playing, and I'm so glad she kept it professional. Her tips like to make sure you don't wring your hands are very helpful!

One thing to look forward to is when you can do this in real life, it will be much more fun than with her, lol.

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post #31 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-06-2013, 09:56 AM
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Unlike the "my therapist asked me if I masturbated thread" there is context within this. She has asked you repeatedly to tell her if you are uncomfortable with any of this so I say there is no problem with any of this. If you don't at any time want to continue with it just tell her you aren't comfortable and move on to something else.
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post #32 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-06-2013, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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I'm glad some of you like how this is going. But there's something important about it, like I said:

Quote:
...technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deeply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.
I did not enjoyed that part in the slightest, I feel that I'm being manipulative if I act that way. Is not only the anxiety, I have a principles problem with this.

Also, thinking about this I've realized than more important that learning how to approach women (which it is necessary), it's more imperative for me to regain my self esteem and learn to don't put my self of self worth relying on of a woman likes me or not. Basically, I need to learn how to stop feeling miserable about being single. I still will try the proposed exercise the next appointment, but I also will tell this thoughts I had.

Trillian said to me once at Milliways:
"Poor Arthur, you're not really cut out for this life are you?"
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post #33 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 06:57 AM
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This makes sense, and the therapist is only trying to help improve his confidence.

Tips?
Probably smile, maintain that eye contact, smile & introduce yourself "Say hi, my name is ----and I thought you seemed like an interesting person to talk to", then smile again
then maybe make a joke like "I thought I'd spare you the 'do you come here often?' line as, let's be honest, it's been done to death :P

She sounds thoroughly professional, cool, unstuffy, and thinking outside the box a little (so to speak)

All the best of luck
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post #34 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-16-2013, 04:08 PM
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I misread the title of this thread as "How I should hit my therapist?" I'm a tad disappointed now.
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post #35 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-16-2013, 05:17 PM
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I misread the title of this thread as "How I should hit my therapist?" I'm a tad disappointed now.
Nah, this is even more entertaining, lol.
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post #36 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-17-2013, 01:24 AM
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So how come this thread, where the therapist is female (and patient is male), is taken positively & the therapist is discussed in a (mostly) positive light whereas in another similar thread on the forum where the therapist is male (and the patient female), it's mostly looked upon with disgust of the therapist asking 1 in-context question about the patient's sexual behavior?
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post #37 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-17-2013, 01:49 AM
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*no es un buen idea!

With some therapy, this can happen, but esta PELIGROSO (it's dangerous) to go on it like that. That is for discussion at the most, NOTHING that crosses the line or you may be finding yourself with another doctor.

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post #38 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-17-2013, 02:38 AM
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i wish i had a therapist who had let me hit on her... i wouldnt have had to learn to talk to girls the hard way lol
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post #39 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-17-2013, 05:34 PM
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reminds me of the scene from step brothers where he tries to hit on his counsellor
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post #40 of 91 (permalink) Old 03-17-2013, 08:27 PM
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When she isn't looking whip your **** out and place it on her shoulder.
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