How should I hit on my psychologist? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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How should I flirt with my psychologist?


Yes that's what I'm asking, and before you ask "wtf are you doing?" Well, it was my therapist the one who told me to do it.

You'll see, to keep it short, since I'm 6 I've had a pathological fear to express interest in women. It didn't bothered me until I was 16, and it got so frustrating over the years that I finally overcame the fear of my parents finding out, and started seeing a therapist to try to fix this problem. A week ago, on our second session, I mentioned this idea I've got for quite a while that says that I can imagine people liking me, but not really loving me; then it was when it got interesting. We talked about what women want then and she told me that I need to accept the fact that I am a good looking guy and that I probably cause always a good first impression and I'm wasting that. She also told me that being attractive, a good listener, intelligent, and not a fan of getting drunk, high or smoking, I'm quite a good catch, and she insisted that all that is a truth I need to get in my head. She cleared up that she wasn't hitting on me or just complimenting me for the sake of it. I like that she's not very PC, according to her if I wasn't attractive she would just gave me the typical "what only matters is what's inside" talk. Not that she thinks the inside doesn't matter, but she acknowledges the fact that good looking people have a head-start when approaching others.

Then she told me that I need to physically loosen up because I'm too tense, and I need to improve eye contact. I try to keep it but eventually I end up looking away. And she said I need to move more loosely so I need to make dancing movements every day.

And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.

Still some friends have told me this is very unusual and that she was seemingly hitting on me (she's young and attractive, on her early 30s, maximum). And others told me it was normal. People in both sides have been to therapy so I'm not sure. Personally I think she was trying to lift my mood, and if want to get somewhere, I better start to believe what she told me. But is hard to believe one is allegedly desirable when one is alone (I recognize women have been interested in me to some degree to another).

This is, between depression, homework, and a stupid cold I think I'm just getting, I haven't really been on a mindframe to think about how to do this assignment, and the few times I've tried to I feel completely clueless, since I've never done this in my entire life (I'm 24 if that matters).

So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?

Trillian said to me once at Milliways:
"Poor Arthur, you're not really cut out for this life are you?"

Last edited by Arthur Dent; 02-22-2013 at 06:33 AM. Reason: To give better context
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post #2 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 01:20 PM
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I imagine that doing that might be crossing some professional boundaries, so you'll want to be sure that your psychologist knows exactly what's going on and is fully comfortable with it. She may not allow that, in which case it might be worth it to try on someone else? Maybe a friend or acquaintance? Because your therapist may have the right idea, but you might be better off trying with someone else.

Of course that's just my layman's opinion, so use your judgement.
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post #3 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 01:32 PM
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Some shrinks take advantage of confidentiality, insecurity, and plausible deniability when it comes to ethics. Regardless, I'd guess that she's in a relationship and that she's going to turn you down. The point is just to get you engaged.

I couldn't imagine how you would hit on her anyway. That's a really strange environment.
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post #4 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 02:12 PM
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I remember long ago I had an irritating crush on my marriage counselor that kept invading my mind during the sessions...would have made for good sketch comedy if it hadn't been real.
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post #5 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 02:16 PM
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idk that's kinda weird.
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post #6 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 03:34 PM
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Damn that's hot.

Evolve or die.
JSS
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post #7 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Er, I guess you guys missed my point, for a few gigaparsecs...

I really don't think she's hitting on me, I do think she is doing a good exposure exercise, and I was asking for advice on HOW to do it. But I guess this isn't really the best place to ask.

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Originally Posted by StNaive View Post
I imagine that doing that might be crossing some professional boundaries, so you'll want to be sure that your psychologist knows exactly what's going on and is fully comfortable with it. She may not allow that, in which case it might be worth it to try on someone else? Maybe a friend or acquaintance? Because your therapist may have the right idea, but you might be better off trying with someone else.

Of course that's just my layman's opinion, so use your judgement.
I'll just pretend to flirt with her, and she'll tell me what am I doing right and what wrong. I can see why it would be better with someone else, but I don't have female friends, and any acquaintance of me is close enough for me to tell her about my issues, not to mention I wouldn't even consider acquaintances the two girls I rarely cross a few words with at college.

Trillian said to me once at Milliways:
"Poor Arthur, you're not really cut out for this life are you?"
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post #8 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 05:35 AM
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Came to this thread thinking you meant punch your psychologist
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post #9 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 05:57 AM
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She wants the D.

Sounds like a pretty awkward scenario to me, but maybe you'll get something out of it
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post #10 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 07:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InTheEvening View Post
She wants the D.

Sounds like a pretty awkward scenario to me, but maybe you'll get something out of it

Nice.

When you hit on her, don't just use your words. Try touching her lightly on the arm and see if she responds well physically or if she's tense. That will let you know if she really wants it or is just roleplaying.
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post #11 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 07:21 AM
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Uhmm....no, just...no.

I actually have some experience with this. I went to third base with my psychiatrist, when I was 16 years old. It happened in her office. She ended up resigning (or getting fired, I'm not sure which). She's the one that came forward and told everyone. I lived in a small town, so it was a very big deal.

Trust me, you DONT want to do this. It's a really, really, really bad idea.
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post #12 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 07:42 AM
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Sounds to me like she's either really into you or she's an interesting therapist. I think if she is genuinely just trying to help you then it's great that she's trying something less formal. Especially if she gives you feedback on the specific things you're doing wrong (if you're doing anything wrong of course).

As far the main answer to your question, how you go about hitting on her, goes I'm sorry but I can't really give many tips as I haven't been in that situation myself. I'd probably be posting a thread on here asking for help too
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post #13 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 10:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daktoria View Post
Some shrinks take advantage of confidentiality, insecurity, and plausible deniability when it comes to ethics. Regardless, I'd guess that she's in a relationship and that she's going to turn you down. The point is just to get you engaged.

I couldn't imagine how you would hit on her anyway. That's a really strange environment.
"So... You come here often?"

"I work here."

Yeah that seems kinda strange to me. I prefer having same gender therapists.
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post #14 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 10:45 AM
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So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?
This is transference.

I would suggest you read up about this, and then openly acknowledge it with her. It may help you in the end.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...e-transference

Quote:
...this is where the client develops romantic feelings for the therapist. It happens. More often than you think. Let’s say we’ve got a client longing to be known, with a history of misunderstandings or rejections, and we sit them down with a professional listener and understander. OF COURSE there are going to be some positive feelings. Maybe even feelings or fantasies of taking this exquisite understanding home. Living every day with this understanding in peace and harmony. Even merging with this understanding in an intimate, passionate way. The desire to connect with a caring person in a meaningful way is completely valid. But acting on it in a sexual way with a therapist is never an option.

What’s the problem with transference? Rather than connecting with the person, we’re relating to a template, which may be quite different from the flesh and blood in front of us. You’re treating Jane Doe like she’s your mother, or your grade school rival, or an idealized object of desire, when she’s actually none of the above - she’s Jane Doe. It prevents you from really connecting with Jane in a meaningful way. But it’s not always bad. Transference in therapy can be incredibly helpful, pointing us in the direction of unhealed wounds. It can transport therapy from lecture to laboratory.


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post #15 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 10:48 AM
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^ Since I can't edit that, for whatever reason...

I would add that you are there to help yourself for the long term, not to pick up a date. If she's a good therapist, it won't matter anyway because she'll recognize it and use it to your own advantage.


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post #16 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 11:02 AM
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Thumbs down

This is completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even start a thread about this.

What foolishness.
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post #17 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 11:50 AM
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whip it out and dangle it in her face
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post #18 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 12:01 PM
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This is not good
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post #19 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 12:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Dent View Post
Yes that's what I'm asking, and before you ask "wtf are you doing?" Well, it was my therapist the one who told me to do it.

You'll see, to keep it short, since I'm 6 I've had a pathological fear to express interest in women. It didn't bothered me until I was 16, and it got so frustrating over the years that I finally overcame the fear of my parents finding out, and started seeing a therapist to try to fix this problem. A week ago, on our second session, I mentioned this idea I've got for quite a while that says that I can imagine people liking me, but not really loving me; then it was when it got interesting. We talked about what women want then and she told me that I need to accept the fact that I am a good looking guy and that I probably cause always a good first impression and I'm wasting that. She also told me that being attractive, a good listener, intelligent, and not a fan of getting drunk, high or smoking, I'm quite a good catch, and she insisted that all that is a truth I need to get in my head. She cleared up that she wasn't hitting on me or just complimenting me for the sake of it. I like that she's not very PC, according to her if I wasn't attractive she would just gave me the typical "what only matters is what's inside" talk. Not that she thinks the inside doesn't matter, but she acknowledges the fact that good looking people have a head-start when approaching others.

Then she told me that I need to physically loosen up because I'm too tense, and I need to improve eye contact. I try to keep it but eventually I end up looking away. And she said I need to move more loosely so I need to make dancing movements every day.

And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.

Still some friends have told me this is very unusual and that she was seemingly hitting on me (she's young and attractive, on her early 30s, maximum). And others told me it was normal. People in both sides have been to therapy so I'm not sure. Personally I think she was trying to lift my mood, and if want to get somewhere, I better start to believe what she told me. But is hard to believe one is allegedly desirable when one is alone (I recognize women have been interested in me to some degree to another).

This is, between depression, homework, and a stupid cold I think I'm just getting, I haven't really been on a mindframe to think about how to do this assignment, and the few times I've tried to I feel completely clueless, since I've never done this in my entire life (I'm 24 if that matters).

So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?
I think you should ask her about using the empty chair technique instead. This essentially allows you to play both roles - the person hitting on a girl and the girl being hit on. Then the therapist can jump in and critique, ask questions, guide you, etcetera, but it allows you to avoid the weirdness of actually directing the "hitting on" toward the therapist.

I'm studying counseling, and I can't imagine a situation where I would ask a client to hit on me, even as practice or role-playing. Obviously becoming involved with a client is unethical and crosses the line, so I would want to avoid anything that even came close to that line.
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post #20 of 91 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other.

I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some of you are. Jeez.

Trillian said to me once at Milliways:
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